Then and To Come

As this year comes to a close it's given me time to reflect on this challenging year, and time to look forward to the new year. I had a number of struggles this year with work and found myself having a hard time going back to the daily grind. I did until I finally called a break in July and quit Glentel. I went out on a high note helping the manager while he was away with the store and I went out on my terms. Since then I've been on an extended vacation taking the time to learn about myself and where my next chapter in life comes from.

I enrolled in school and challenged the English requirement and aced it, as well I completed two upgrade courses during the semester earning me 3 university credits, with an A- to boot. I started to get my store up and running and we bought a house and started to settle into it. It's a weird feeling fro sure knowing we are setting down roots for awhile. I watched both my sons grow this year as well, and its a good sign to watch them start growing.

I grew closer with several friends and made some new ones, its an odd feeling to have them like me for me .... I never really had that before in my life. Medb was the exception I look at her and can say in my life I've known true love and will always love her for sharing that gift with me. I had a very close friend come up and help me when i really needed the help, she was with me in Montreal to and she has never asked for anything in return. I can't wait to see her again in March :)

I also broke down and got a puppy, hes a yappy little thing but he adores me. It's a weird feeling to have I guess I'm use to kittens and cats lol. I wouldn't trade my wookie for the world.

I had my share of setbacks as well this year, I'm still fighting my fear of sexuality and looking for my own form of identity. I tend to hide still behind walls and tshirts. But I'm still fighting so its a good thing.

For the coming year I'm going to work hard at school so I can start my bachelors of arts program in Psychology I need three courses with a B average. I want to make my business self sufficient, and turn a profit. I want to be a better daughter and get closer to my mom when she gets down here. I want to have a chance to create many new memories ......

Most important is to share every new day with my Angel and grow with her step by step as she makes me a better woman.....

Till the new year and my next post

Be Well and Live your life like you want to !!!

A New Transition

As I walked out of the University yesterday, I can feel the start of a new direction in my life. A transition from a worker to a student and from there something more. A change for the better, I'm sure, but a well over due transition of growth. University, even sitting her typing it feels surreal to be honest. All my life I've always said I was not good enough, not smart enough for this step. To be honest I wasn't, I was to busy fighting myself and making excuses to focus on the potential I'm capable of.

I know now that I can accomplish this and in ten years I will have my doctorate. I just don't know the type of woman I will be at the end of it. I won't be the same because one major aspect of school will be the experience of meeting new people and trying new things.  A student... something I haven't done since I left school at 14.....   How stupid I was, I let the bullies win back then and slept a year of my life away in a depression of my own making.

Now forty and four years since making a change in my life I'm going to get a chance to grow and just be me... remind me of a line from a song  .... I just wanted you to know I've changed my life from negative to positive.

As the month starts I'll be updating my blog on a more regular basis.

Till then


Be Well

October Change

A year and a bit passes by and so much change, so much at times I can't seem to catch up. I will first say that I loved the month of October, it was great to me. While I had some small successes with school scoring my first A in College for 062... even if it was an A- it proved to me that I can do this all the way to my doctorate. I had a great run in movies, and the biggest event was the fact Medb and I are home owners again.  We took possession on the 24th of October and had our new furniture delivered. It didn't really seem real to tell you the truth, but its hard to argure when you can feel and touch it :). 

We also had Jen come up from North Carolina and help us settle in. You can tell who your friends are when they help you move lol.... I owe her a lot, with out her I don't think the move would have gone as smoothly as it did. She made it easy and from the time she arrived to the time she left made it easy for me. I truly appreciate that and she has my gratitude and respect. So much so if she moves I'll have to go help her :)

We have a new addition to our fur kids, a very well mannered and awesome Shih Tzsu named M'Lady. Medb had been looking for a dog that can help with her Agoraphobia, and she does help her a lot. In the last few years I haven't seen her so calm. I will also be getting my puppie but not till the end of November ... another Shih Tzsu that I've named wookie ... hes adorable and I will post a picture soon. 

As for the rest of everything I still feel lost, I have my own room in the house and to be truthful I have no idea  what to do with it. Will it be geeky   yeah.... but I want it to represent more of me. I just don't know how it will. There still a lot of work to do and we are not fully moved but I will have that done by the end of the weekend. 

Till my next post 

Be Well

Jys

My First Car

I can remember the day like yesterday, a nice warm spring day and I had just passed my drivers test. With license in hand and the keys to my car I was ready for freedom .... awww 17 and a ford pinto .... those were the days.  I wish I could say I was a care free teenager .... I would be lying, at 17 I was running a buisness, working a part time job and helping my mom look after foster children.

Today I got to see several amazing things. I got to see my eldest son get his first car, a 1997 Mustang the same year and model as my mustang was. We had gone out and he was set on a practical reliable automobile. Theres nothing wrong with that and I can respect that, but this is the boys first car and with that comes some powerful memories. This is his first taste of true freedom, his adult life is starting and as we test drove the car I got to see something rare. I watched as he punched the acceleration  the smile creep across his lips and a laugh. I watched him cut loose a little and as I turned up the radio he settled in and fell in love with his car.

I saw him trade practical for something he will enjoy for many years to come, the car he got will be great for him.... Good gas milage and a safe riding car. He has most of the toys and I think will let him grows in ways he has never considered. Soon it will be his brothers turn and he will have exactly what his brother got, its only fair after all. While my life never went the way I thought it would, or as I wished it would I'm blessed to have two very special sons and an awesome grand daughter. One day when I'll see my grand daughter in her first car and maybe  just maybe I'll see that smile across her lips.... only time will tell


Till next post be well

Jys

Yoga Apparently

As I laid on the mat tonight resting after a yoga work out, I felt my mind drifting, as a question was finally answered. Where would I be one year from now? The time was 11pm EST and a year ago I was in Montreal the night before surgery. Medb and Jen had gone home for the night and would see me around 11 am when I was suppose to be going into surgery. I tried to sleep as it is my escape and sleep didn't really come.  Every few hours they would come check my blood sugar and shoot me with insulin. My levels wouldn't drop.

What sleep I could was broken and filled with night terrors and nurses. It was just short of 6am and they tossed me a gown and slippers telling me I would be prepping for surgery in an hour. Shock and fear hit me all at once because Medb wouldn't be there to see me off. I couldn't say to her I love you one last time before I went up. What if I didn't come out of surgery ok.  For me it was a frighting time ... not the surgery but the unknown. Even today I say I love you way to much... I think because I want her to know if something happened to me.

As they fetched me I kept thinking of the things I haven't done in my life, what I wanted to change and who I want in my life. The hour sped by and even as they stuck the needle in my back I kept trying to think of any reason to stop.... I couldn't.  As i was falling asleep I warned the Doctor to make sure I survive or he wouldn't due to my shield maidens downstairs. The next thing I knew I was being awakened and struggling to fight the sedatives in my body.  I knew she was downstairs and most likely feeding off some adrenalin.

I remember when they brought Rachel down she was bouncing all over the place and wide awake, I could barely sit up .... As the Elevator opened I could hear her and Jen in the main room and she was at my side  very grey and with the best smile I could manage I gave her a smile saying I would be ok and I was ok... the look on her face said everything......

She is my Angel and will always be my best friend and she brings out the best in me, she keeps a lot of me in check.

I got to say those words to her I love you.... And a year later as I laid on the mat I knew I made the right choice and have a direction to grow in. Where will I be next year I don't know, I'll find out and who know I might just tell you all.

Till next post

Be Well

Jyslin

Hiding

The last few months I've been hiding more from myself by resuming some game playing. I know that for some you would say thats ok.... for me its not really. Its a form of escape and a tool to not deal with my own issues and fears. I know because I've done it since I first picked up a paddle and started shooting asteroids or playing pong.  What can I have to hide from right now, mostly myself and my sexuality. I fear it plain and simple.

Sometimes it easier to just pick up a paddle and play a game or waste a few hours exploring GW2 but its just hurting myself even more. So over the next few months I need to dial it way back and try to find my center again and get back on track. Easier said then done really lol.

The next few weeks have a lot going on, the move and the end of early term with school. A friend from the US is coming up to see Medb and myself and I'm excited. We get to unpack the storage locker  wheeee and prep for renovations. My mom will be moving into our lower suite in a few months so I will have to seee how that goes.

Tonight I'm stressed even if I did do some exploring today and ditched school.... So I will play for a few hours while my meds kick in. Tomorrow is another story though, its will be the day I start packing and deliver a gift to a dear friend I will also try to organize my bushiness and write the proposal that's rolling around in my head.for the last few months.

The question still remains what kind of girl am I and who do I want to be..... some days I miss child hood... some days I don't

Be Well

Days Like These

I don't like these kind of days I tend to get from time to time. It's not the moodiness, the temper or being on the verge of tears all day that other me. I expect those as being female and a result of the hormones. It feels natural really if not a bit bothersome. What gets me is when I really start to pick at my own psychological make up and wonder sometimes how badly I really did damage myself ? How can I mend it, and is it really broken.

I accept the fact I did a lot of this to myself. I chose to hide and pretend nothing was wrong and in doing so I did my self a disservice. I didn't really allow myself to grow, I just lied to myself and said everything was fine. The last few days I've been quite and letting the committee do a number on me, sometimes I think I deserve it... even if the logical side of me says I don't. Sometimes you just can't reason with crazy, you just go with it and hope you make sense of it. 

Today I found myself watching the students in the break area chatting and socializing, the guys were going on about phones and tech and the girls were all over the place. While I listened to them I found out that I couldn't really fit in with any of them. This triggered a feeling of being alone, not in a physical sense but a psychological sense. I wondered how many of them could tear themselves a part and try to live a completely different life. Would they want to, how would they cope and would they be treated any differently by society.

A few days ago I had a mini identity attack because I was having trouble trying to figure out why I'm so scared of my sexuality, why I can't tackle it and why other girls are so excited to try out there equipment. Yet in my case I get scared of the thought and again whats wrong with me.

It's also brought a new trait to me, being judgmental and over the last several months its gotten stronger. It's not a trait I like but I have it and I will have to do my best to lose it. It's all part of working on myself to try and repair some of the damage I self inflicted.... it will all take time and effort but it will come. 

Till my next post 

Be Well