For the vast majority of my life I've lived in a shell. Creating a persona I thought people wanted me to be. Many would ask why would I do that, how can you do that? The short response is I have a medical condition known as GID or Gender Identity Disorder, commonly known as Transsexualism according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. As of the fourth manual this disorder is listed as a psychological condition..... I disagree.
I view this as a neurological condition by the hormonal development of a female brain and a body that formed male. My psychological damage is the result of self forced repression supressing my true personality and forming what I thought people wanted me to be. On May 2008 my shell didn't crack, it shattered and for the first time in my life I didn't know what to do.
Now over three years later and looking in the face of major change I find my self questioning who I really am. In short order I understood gender, I'm at peace with that, but as my angel Medb and my therapist Dr. Preece has pointed out in GID most forget about the identity aspect of it.
I just got back from Las Vegas and had fun, a number of firsts for me and it solidified a friendship that I had made online over the past year. But right now I wonder who I really am... is this a new shell I made. I'm good at it, as it is a survival mechanism. Or is it a true start of myself..... I don't know.
It's what I need to discover... feel free to make comments, laugh or cry as I post.... My life can be funny sometimes.
If you think this is another Trans person blog and full of woe is me please move on .... I have no time for that shit in my life.
This blog is about a woman's journey to discover who she is and while I might touch on the subject of my past. I won't let it define me.
Your post had a lot of insight and I should know I had a shell for over 50 years and one day it cracked like an egg falling on the floor. I still thought that I could keep it together by making scrambled eggs. I just doesn't work like that once the shell is broken there is no going back no matter how painful it is to the others you love.
ReplyDeleteI have always known my gender but I have to agrre with you identity is another thing. You really need to explore than because if you are not careful another shell will develop. As in all thinks in life you learn and if you think the first shell was hard to crack I believe the second one is almost impossible. I am working though that and so days are good and others I feel myself slipping.
The thing that has keep me from going back are friends that I know have.Friends are very fickle and by hiding yourself you really do not have many. The friends I know have know who I am and take me at face value even with all the warts I have. I too went on a trip this past week and for the first time discovered a little bit who I was and that my friends really care about me and like me for who I am not what I am.
Thank you for sharing your feeling today as you brought some of mine to the forefront.
"This blog is about a woman's journey to discover who she is and while I might touch on the subject of my past. I won't let it define me"
ReplyDeleteI felt so much strength and determination in the words I copied and pasted. I can close my eyes and see you in front of me saying those words :)
It's a wonderful and scary experience going through your journey. It seems your trip has shone a light on new places and brought out some closed off darker places.
I have an immense amount of love and respect for you, take care my friend and I look forward to reading more as you update <3