Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Contemplation
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Why Do We Need a Supergirl?
Why Do We Need a Supergirl?
Monday, December 31, 2012
Then and To Come
I enrolled in school and challenged the English requirement and aced it, as well I completed two upgrade courses during the semester earning me 3 university credits, with an A- to boot. I started to get my store up and running and we bought a house and started to settle into it. It's a weird feeling fro sure knowing we are setting down roots for awhile. I watched both my sons grow this year as well, and its a good sign to watch them start growing.
I grew closer with several friends and made some new ones, its an odd feeling to have them like me for me .... I never really had that before in my life. Medb was the exception I look at her and can say in my life I've known true love and will always love her for sharing that gift with me. I had a very close friend come up and help me when i really needed the help, she was with me in Montreal to and she has never asked for anything in return. I can't wait to see her again in March :)
I also broke down and got a puppy, hes a yappy little thing but he adores me. It's a weird feeling to have I guess I'm use to kittens and cats lol. I wouldn't trade my wookie for the world.
I had my share of setbacks as well this year, I'm still fighting my fear of sexuality and looking for my own form of identity. I tend to hide still behind walls and tshirts. But I'm still fighting so its a good thing.
For the coming year I'm going to work hard at school so I can start my bachelors of arts program in Psychology I need three courses with a B average. I want to make my business self sufficient, and turn a profit. I want to be a better daughter and get closer to my mom when she gets down here. I want to have a chance to create many new memories ......
Most important is to share every new day with my Angel and grow with her step by step as she makes me a better woman.....
Till the new year and my next post
Be Well and Live your life like you want to !!!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
A New Transition
I know now that I can accomplish this and in ten years I will have my doctorate. I just don't know the type of woman I will be at the end of it. I won't be the same because one major aspect of school will be the experience of meeting new people and trying new things. A student... something I haven't done since I left school at 14..... How stupid I was, I let the bullies win back then and slept a year of my life away in a depression of my own making.
Now forty and four years since making a change in my life I'm going to get a chance to grow and just be me... remind me of a line from a song .... I just wanted you to know I've changed my life from negative to positive.
As the month starts I'll be updating my blog on a more regular basis.
Till then
Be Well
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
October Change
Sunday, October 21, 2012
My First Car
Today I got to see several amazing things. I got to see my eldest son get his first car, a 1997 Mustang the same year and model as my mustang was. We had gone out and he was set on a practical reliable automobile. Theres nothing wrong with that and I can respect that, but this is the boys first car and with that comes some powerful memories. This is his first taste of true freedom, his adult life is starting and as we test drove the car I got to see something rare. I watched as he punched the acceleration the smile creep across his lips and a laugh. I watched him cut loose a little and as I turned up the radio he settled in and fell in love with his car.
I saw him trade practical for something he will enjoy for many years to come, the car he got will be great for him.... Good gas milage and a safe riding car. He has most of the toys and I think will let him grows in ways he has never considered. Soon it will be his brothers turn and he will have exactly what his brother got, its only fair after all. While my life never went the way I thought it would, or as I wished it would I'm blessed to have two very special sons and an awesome grand daughter. One day when I'll see my grand daughter in her first car and maybe just maybe I'll see that smile across her lips.... only time will tell
Till next post be well
Jys
Friday, October 12, 2012
Yoga Apparently
What sleep I could was broken and filled with night terrors and nurses. It was just short of 6am and they tossed me a gown and slippers telling me I would be prepping for surgery in an hour. Shock and fear hit me all at once because Medb wouldn't be there to see me off. I couldn't say to her I love you one last time before I went up. What if I didn't come out of surgery ok. For me it was a frighting time ... not the surgery but the unknown. Even today I say I love you way to much... I think because I want her to know if something happened to me.
As they fetched me I kept thinking of the things I haven't done in my life, what I wanted to change and who I want in my life. The hour sped by and even as they stuck the needle in my back I kept trying to think of any reason to stop.... I couldn't. As i was falling asleep I warned the Doctor to make sure I survive or he wouldn't due to my shield maidens downstairs. The next thing I knew I was being awakened and struggling to fight the sedatives in my body. I knew she was downstairs and most likely feeding off some adrenalin.
I remember when they brought Rachel down she was bouncing all over the place and wide awake, I could barely sit up .... As the Elevator opened I could hear her and Jen in the main room and she was at my side very grey and with the best smile I could manage I gave her a smile saying I would be ok and I was ok... the look on her face said everything......
She is my Angel and will always be my best friend and she brings out the best in me, she keeps a lot of me in check.
I got to say those words to her I love you.... And a year later as I laid on the mat I knew I made the right choice and have a direction to grow in. Where will I be next year I don't know, I'll find out and who know I might just tell you all.
Till next post
Be Well
Jyslin
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Hiding
Sometimes it easier to just pick up a paddle and play a game or waste a few hours exploring GW2 but its just hurting myself even more. So over the next few months I need to dial it way back and try to find my center again and get back on track. Easier said then done really lol.
The next few weeks have a lot going on, the move and the end of early term with school. A friend from the US is coming up to see Medb and myself and I'm excited. We get to unpack the storage locker wheeee and prep for renovations. My mom will be moving into our lower suite in a few months so I will have to seee how that goes.
Tonight I'm stressed even if I did do some exploring today and ditched school.... So I will play for a few hours while my meds kick in. Tomorrow is another story though, its will be the day I start packing and deliver a gift to a dear friend I will also try to organize my bushiness and write the proposal that's rolling around in my head.for the last few months.
The question still remains what kind of girl am I and who do I want to be..... some days I miss child hood... some days I don't
Be Well
Monday, October 1, 2012
Days Like These
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Grown up Talk
I have hope from him that in his future he will be more successful due to the harsh lessons he has learned. I also got a chance to to hear how I had helped him in the past by freaking out on him when I found out he tried to self cut himself. I never realized that I had done it at the time. I give him the credit as he is the one with the internal strength to overcome it.
He is raising a beautiful little girl and I hope he will continue his self improvement over the coming years. I think he will and I know if he can get his education he will go anywhere in life he chose's to do. He did make a statement that he is looking forward to moving to the coast here to find work or education. I really hope it does, it will allow me to be closer to him and his girlfriend and my grand daughter. Maybe I can help guide him a little but I think the most important is I can get to know the man he is becoming and become closer to him then I was raising him.
The last few weeks have been so busy but to give you a preview, we bought a house, I got a wookie and we are shopping for furniture... yay no more storage locker :).
Till next post
Be Well
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
What I did on my Summer Vacation
Monday, August 27, 2012
Emotional Turmoil
The last few days have been rough, to the point of just wanting to curl up and hide. I know most of it is hormonal and its been amplified by the second anniversary of Medb moms passing. It hit me rather hard this year and I miss her so much. They say time will heal all wounds, and I know it's a matter of time and it will pass.
The last thing I have to do is get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate. This will require me to go back to Alberta and fight with vital statistics. While it sounds simple they have been known to be be real assholes about it. Kinda like a final kick after being beaten up really.
Tomorrow its another day and I'm hoping this mood shifts to something lighter.
Till next time ...
Be Well
Saturday, August 11, 2012
60 Min .... Go
I was under the assumption we could could pick a topic and write about it, boy was I wrong. I got a statement and then a question and asked to write my thoughts on the subject. It was like a blow to my gut.... then the clock ticked down from 60, to 59:59 on its slow march to 0. With that my mind went blank as I struggled with the subject. Can a person choose to be happy? This subject should be easy enough for me. However I stared at it and struggled to write the first farking sentence, before I knew it we were staring at 49 minutes.
Panic set in and again I struggled to just get the main paragraph started...... 32 minutes and counting. Rewrite after rewrite, whole words coming and going and my brain screaming at me "Your going to fail here and now." 26 minutes I stood up got my water, took a sip and then just went back and breathed a few times. 22 minutes. Then the negativity stopped, my inner voice said "Shut the fuck up, you got this in Supergirl."
17 minutes and needing 2 more paragraphs and almost 150 words the thoughts form, and the words flow. I continue to read and reread the essay as I go. Making sure that my thought are collected as my brainworks faster then I can type, causing me to skip whole thoughts at times. 2 minutes and I hit the word counter and it flashes 364. Respectable since in 15 minutes I wrote almost 214 words. The teacher was suppose to give us suggestions at the 10 min mark and with less then a min left, I hit the submit button essay unseen and unchecked.
I felt sick after words, and when the instructor comes over I explain that there wasn't time for her to review it. I leave the room for a quick break before starting math. I felt proud that I didn't melt down and pull a Rimmer, writing I am a fish 400 times, before passing out during the exam. I finish up and go back to get my date for review of the tests. I explain why I'm doing the tests and that I will be doing the CLP in a few days and she smiles. "I'm not suppose to do this, but you scored well on the tests a solid 5 out of 8 on the English portion."It made my day as I headed home, my mind racing as the question really hit home. Can you choose to just be happy?"
Yes you can, I made the choice a few years ago to be happy, and I'm grateful every day that I did to choose to be happy. Now how would I rewrite that essay.
Till next post
Be Well
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Practice Test
Friday, August 3, 2012
The Work Out
The pain started last night on the thirty fifth ab crunch of the third set and it kept going from there. The pain felt refreshing a sense of accomplishment. It had been almost a year since the last real work out and for the first time since the surgery it felt great. I know I’ve been doing light wii stuff in the past, but this was different. This was the feeling of wearing yourself out, not your body not allowing you to do the crunch, or lifting that weight.
All my life I’ve battled my weight and for a number of years I didn’t know why. Since I came out almost 8 years ago I was staring 300 pounds in the face. I started a regimen of running for thirty minutes on the tread mill and then a 20 min pilates routine. In 2 years I was down to 230 and it stuck there for a few more years. Once I started transitioning I again started to lose more weight dropping down to 180 and it’s stayed there since the surgery.
The last 10 months I’ve added about 10 pounds and I’ve had enough. My muscles are almost non-existent thanks to the spiro. The estrogen has kept adding weight and my lack of energy and focus haven’t helped either. My goal is to be between 140 -150 pds by January. That’s a 40 pound loss on my frame and I will succeed on my goal. I’ve watched Medb lose close to 50 pounds over the last 7 months just by watching what she eats and a limited calorie intake. If she can so can I.
Today was great a 20 minute run on the treadmill, 10 min on weights and abs and 10 minutes on the cycle. The result was a lot of sweat, twitching muscles and a drop in blood sugar that I could feel. Tomorrow will be more of the same and in the coming week we will have to add swimming to that list. I feel so good today because it’s one more step to feeling normal.
Till Next Time
Be Well
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
If You Take The Name ....
I’ve worked retail far too long in my life almost 20 plus years since I was 12. It’s a good entry level job but for a living forget it. Tonight I went out to get Medb some medication to help her sleep. While I was standing in line I witnessed an East Indian gentleman in a thick accent berate the clerk for refusing to refund an item they no longer carried in stock at their location. She was also of East Indian descent and was very polite offering him a few solutions. He was not accepting of her explanations, and demanded to see her manager or another male. To her credit she remained calm and again said there was no manager on staff, it was 10:30pm after all.
As he became more vocal I found myself unable to tolerate his attitude and I spoke up in a rather loud tone. The conversation started with me saying “I think you need to re attend English again as she has said a number of times why she can’t refund your item.” His attention turned on me and the rage in his eyes spoke volumes. He couldn’t believe that a woman had challenged him and as he became more vocal towards me I just kept it up. I followed the first comment with “ You know that in Canada we have equal rights and while I respect your right to practice your religion, you have no right to belittle her or me. Feel free to return to whatever country you came from if you can’t respect that. “ This only got him madder and he raised a hand and to his shock I clenched a fist and said “If you want to go fine, but you’re going to go home and tell your wife a woman kicked your ass !”
He was a smaller guy and I had to practice my best roleplaying face and locked eyes with him, and he blinked cursing and leaving the store. We had attracted some attention from other shoppers and they didn’t really know what to say. I got a pat on the back from a gentleman behind me who stated had he even tried he was going to pull me aside and deck him. For the cashier she had a smile on her face and a big thank you. I gave her a business card in case he complained the next day. I said I would back her up and tell the truth on how she handled the situation.
Tonight just points out that for the most part I’m done with the retail world unless I start my own venture in the future. I guess I’m like my mom in some ways, able to stand up for others over myself. Did I enjoy it? Not at all, but if I wear the S and took the name Kara it only makes it right.
Till Next Post
Be Well
Jys
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Who Am I .... 1 Year Later
Friday, July 27, 2012
Then I got a Number
It's my time to grow and challenge myself, to put the brains to work and see how far I can get. I won't be alone as Medb is also enrolled at the same school. How will it go ? Only time will tell and the effort I put into the course. I already know the path I wish to follow in Psychology, but I need to keep all my options open as my tastes may change during the course load.
For now I'm going to just be happy that I'll be on a school campus instead of a mall. I'm working for my own future and my own destiny. This is my time and my road and I know in 10 years to the kids I plan to help it will be Dr.Jys :)
Okie till next post
Be Well
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Girl Comes Out
This trip to Vegas was more then a business trip to me. It was about stretching my wings, doing and dressing in ways that were not normal. They were a chance to let loose and stop hiding behind excuses. I danced, I joked, I drank and I got sunburned.
I got to spend one on one time with several friends. I got to watch a friend face her own fears and follow my lead and cut loose. I sang and laughed with a close group of friends and had a few moments of yeah I really said that.
What will I take away from this weekend? I can be whatever I want to be and not be afraid to experience things as they come. letting go sometimes is the best method because the experience can be awesome.
Be Well
Jys
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Cutting Loose
For 40 years I have said I've never been drunk. I've been able to exert so much control on myself that it's bordering on stupid. Last night I went put and just cut loose allowing myself to go beyond a buzz.
When I woke this morning a lot of question were answered and I'm not afraid. Most of my family are alcoholics and I've been afraid to succumb to that problem. Now feeling the effects of it I know I'm not like my father. I'm a happy person not abusive like he was. I'm funny and cute and relaxed.
It was a great night with a very close friend. Will I go repeat tonight ... Not at all but I won't be afraid to take a drink, or just stop with one if I want more.
Till next post
Be Well


