Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Contemplation

I know its been awhile since I've written a blog, to long many would say and they would be right. The last year has gone by so quick sometimes I don't know where its gone to.  This summer has been rather stressful with some life changing stressors and the daily micro stressors we all experience on a daily basis. I found myself the last few days with a very short hair trigger , snapping at everyone and everything over any simple action. It wasn't anyone's fault but mine and while I would love to blame it on one of those days I can't... because by doing so would just cause me to bury the problem and put a band aid on it and not address the problem and correct it. 

My problem is the fact that for the better part of the year my perceived version of self and the actual self are out of alignment. I know I'm and extrovert yet a majority of time I act like an introvert. I know how I want to look yet I do the utmost to blend into the background or to make others turn away. I know what I need to do become healthier and attain what I want but I embrace habits that make it harder to achieve. I know I want to succeed but I fall down on the execution to make it successful and right now I know it has to stop....

                                                        "Usted puede cambiar, si quieres"

Spanish for you can change if you want to, and in psychology anyone can make a change in their lives. The question becomes how do you invoke change and keep it.? To change a habit or trait in personality you have 6 stages Precontemplation, Contemplation, Preparedness, Action, Maintenance, and Relapse . Right now I know I'm in the contemplation phase as I recognize that I have a problem and that I want to change the habit to improve my health both physically and mentally because I don't like feeling the way I have been  for the few weeks. I don't like watching Medb back away from me because the anger coming off me is hitting her like a ton of bricks emotionally. 

There are many things in the last year that I'm so proud of, but there are a number of others that I'm not so proud of as well and I recognize its very self destructive and in reality that's a major personality trait I need to change.

Ty for taking time to read my thoughts. for me this blog sometimes is way to release some stress. 

Till next time 

Be Well


 (I strongly suggest if you do go to university take a psychology course or two, they will help you understand a great many things in life.)

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Why Do We Need a Supergirl?

It is hard for me to imagine getting to this point of my life, I honestly never thought I would ever attend University let alone trying to write at an academic level. I've learned 6 courses are far to much to manage in a single term and last might I found myself cramming till 5AM between studies and a needed rewrite on my first research paper. It's a proud accomplishment in my life and I'm posting it for others to read, comment on and debate the merits of the subject matter.


Kara deWinter
Dr.Littmann English 105

Why Do We Need a Supergirl?


    Although women are striving for equality and making progress, could we be failing our daughters because of the rampant use of misogyny in almost all forms of visual media? Increasingly movies, comics, animation, and video games are becoming intertwined as major corporations develop new ways to sell their products and characters. For DC and Marvel Entertainment this is a multi-billion dollar industry and it is growing every year. Females are the fastest growing demographic in new readership and creativity in the industry thanks to: Manga, Movies, Anime, and Comic conventions. Both major comic book companies continue clinging to the cultural norm of misogyny, frequently subjugating their female characters by over sexualizing them in appearance, attitude and making them subservient to their male counterparts.

      I can remember the first time I met Supergirl. It was in a convenience store in the winter of 1982, her comic stacked in-between the like of: Superman, Batman, and Spiderman. I grabbed the comic, took it to the counter and with that .60 cent purchase started my lifelong love for comics and visual media. I fell in love with the character; she was portrayed in a strong light as a hero and in her secret identity. While a majority of her qualities were still seen as feminine, she did command respect from other heros, leading by example and actions. In 1986 DC killed off the character in the Crisis on Infinite Earths, she sacrificed herself to save Superman by attacking the Anti-Monitor. It was one of DC comic first major deaths in a long time and one that lasted for 19 years before they reintroduced the original Supergirl, Kara Zor-El back into regular continuity.  In her reintroduction they made significant changes to her: age, appearance, and attitude. Gone was the level of maturity that Kara had evolved, remaking her from a young woman attending college and a highly respected heroine. They turned her into a 16 year old girl with a skimpy, jail-bait costume, complete with a self-absorbed vapid personality.  While I held hope that she would evolve over the course of her series, sadly she didn’t.  While she is just a character, the visual and narrative does have an effect on both genders.  It makes a statement that female super heroes are ok as long as they are sexualized and act within the confines of the societal norm. “The media’s treatment of women as sex objects is a ubiquitous fact of life. Advertisements, fashion spreads, comic books, movie posters.”(Kantor) While you can consider one element of misogyny being the sexualisation of a character by their dress or costume, it goes further and deeper.  It is how the character is posed and presented visually, often in a submissive or sexual pose. In most cases we see the heroines standing back and allowing the men in the group or situation to call the shots. By depicting this visual narrative it reinforces the inequality between the genders and sends the silent message that this is accepted behavior. It is hard to imagine a character like Supergirl, having the same levels of strength and ability as Superman being submissive to anyone.

      According to psychological studies, comics and cartoons have an effect on the socialization of children by imprinting perceived cultural norms. “Socialization can be defined as a process through which children acquire the behaviors, skills, values, and social norms that are characteristic, appropriate, and desirable in their cultures. The media—through its characters, storylines, and formal features—are important contributors to child and adolescent socialization, yet media portrayals are often stereotypical in nature.”(Thompson144). The first forms of media most children are introduced to include cartoons and comics. While cartoons are aimed at ages 4-8 years old they often introduce the seeds of misogyny. Cartoons like Teen Titans, The Mighty Avengers, Young Justice and X-Men have huge followings, an estimated 2 Million viewers per episode. On the surface there seems to be a mix of genders mostly male, and without exception all the teams are led by men. The women of the teams are often subservient, and when in conflict are shown being the first to fall usually. Male members are often shown: resolving the conflict, rescuing the hostages, and saving the world. It’s rare to see a female member of the team acting in those roles, instead they are shown to be immature, less intelligent and dependant on the needs of the team for protection. How many times have you seen a stand-alone super- hero cartoon based on a female character? There has been only one She-Ra the Princess of Power, the sister of He-Man and she was only produced to sell merchandise. For male character there have been countless cartoons: Superman, Batman and Spiderman to name just a few. Why are comic cartoons important? They introduce children into the print media of comics, where their favorite cartoon characters are vastly different and we really start seeing the inequality of women.

      In September of 2011 DC comics re-launched all of the comic series with the New 52, drastically changing their storylines and attempting to make a new starting point for new fans of all ages and genders. There were hopes that DC was starting to make use of their female characters by releasing a higher number of female led comics. At launch we had: Supergirl, Catwoman, Voodoo, Batgirl, Batwoman, Wonder Woman, and Birds of Prey. Instead of trying to improve the perception of their female characters, DC seemed determined to continue their misogynist view and continue catering to their male dominated fan base. In the comic series Voodoo(Marz) the main character Voodoo is shown working as a stripper in a strip club for the total issue, in Catwoman(Winick) we are shown Catwoman sexually mounting Batman in a deserted penthouse. Sadly Starfire was the worst of the new introductions. She was a founding and respected member of the Teen Titans, a strong warrior princess and she is reduced to an a hollow shell of her former self and represented as an amnesiac sex toy in Redhood and the Outlaws(Loboell). While creators claim that they are showing strong sexually liberated females in charge of their own decision, this is the farthest thing from the truth. A more truthful statement is they are engaging the reader with a sexual fantasy, utilizing the psychological concept of Active Male/ Passive Female that Hollywood has conditioned us to “In a world ordered by sexual imbalance, pleasure in looking has been split between active/male and passive/female. The determining male gaze projects its phantasy on the female figure which is styled accordingly.”(Mulvay)837. By having Catwoman initiate a sexual encounter in Catwoman(Winick), we are drawing the reader into the fantasy. She is being posed and scripted to be a passive object, this allows the male fantasy too objectify her and reduce the character to a sexual object. Were the encounter to be suggested and hinted at, shown off panel then the argument of being sexually liberated would hold merit. However by showing the act it transforms it into a male fantasy, robbing the woman of her power.
      While Supergirl, Superman, and Starfire are just fictional characters, they are a marketable commodity; their images and likeness are well protected and strictly controlled by multinational companies. Let’s use Starfire for example. Her image is marketed in: cartoons, comics, toys, statues, movies and apparel to name a few. In the cartoon Teen Titans, she was very popular among young female viewers. Why was she so popular? Well to answer that we need only look at Michelle Lee’s 7 year old daughter. She is a comic book fan of the old Teen Titans comic, Teen Titans cartoon, and Starfire is her favorite hero. When she was asked why she likes Starfire she quickly responds.
 “She's like me. She's an alien new to the planet and maybe she doesn't always say the right thing, or know the right thing to do. But she's a good friend, and she helps people. She's strong enough to fight the bad guys, even when they hurt her. Even her sister tried to kill her, but Starfire still fights for the good side. And she helps the other heroes, like Superboy and Robin and Raven. She's smart too. And sometimes she gets mad, but that's okay because it's okay to get mad when people are being mean. And she's pretty.”(Lee)
      When asked about Starfire in the cartoon.“*immediately*Oh yes. She's a great role model. She tells people they can be good friends and super powerful and fight for good.”(Lee) When asked about the new Starfire recently introduced in DC the conversation changed in tone quickly and went like this.
“Lee- What about this new Starfire?  Daughter -No, I don't think so. Lee- Why Not? Daughter- Because she's not doing anything. Lee- Is this new Starfire someone you'd want to be when you grow up? *she gets uncomfortable again*"Not really. I mean, grown ups can wear what they want, but…she's not doing anything but wearing a tiny bikini to get attention."(Lee)
It all comes down to a simple question for Lee’s daughter; how does she want her hero Starfire to be portrayed as? “I want her to be a hero, fighting things and be strong and helping people because she inspires me to be good.”(Lee) So how did DC respond to all the critics over this issue? “We've heard what's being said about Starfire today and we appreciate the dialogue on this topic. We encourage people to pay attention to the ratings when picking out any book to read themselves or for their children,”(Anders)
      DC is quick to point out that women are not reading comics and in a recent survey they concluded: “93% of the participants were male, consumers aged 13-18 were only 2%, and female readership was down to 7% from 8% 20 years ago.” (Maridee) This would lead you to believe that there are very few female comic fans in the world. Girls like Lee’s daughter are a rarity and we shouldn’t worry about what they are publishing. Rob Salkowitz, a recognized expert in digital media has a different opinion. “Today, there are increasing numbers of proud girl geeks of all ages; I count myself fortunate to be married to one. Crowds at conventions and even some comic stores now reflect a much more equal gender balance. As for the comics industry itself, not so much.”(Salkowitz77) I think a more accurate statement of the numbers would be. Women are reading comics, but are not reading what DC is currently publishing. Outside of the big two comic publishers, young women are producing a large number of self-published comics online and in print that have very successful followings. So why aren’tMarvel or DC be seeking this new fresh talent? To be fair since Marvel Entertainment was purchased by Disney in 2011, they have actually been increasing their female talent.  However as of December 2012 these graphs show that women employed by DC and Marvel are less than 15%. (Hanley)


    Hanley, Tim.”Gendercrunching – December”Bleedingcool.com. 26 Feb 2013. Web 9 Apr 2013
    
       DC seems to have a problem retaining creative, female talent. One of their few stars   Gail Simone who has written a number of titles for DC including Birds of Prey before the 52 Reboot, and currently is writing Batgirl suddenly found herself fired from the title in December 2012 via Email as reported by Wired(Lawson). The editors claimed they wanted a new direction for the character and refused to say why she was replaced, despite having a well received and critically acclaimed book with strong month over month sales. Speculation ran high and it was suspected the main reason for her termination was Simones plan to introduce a transgender female character in the near future.  Overnight DC felt fan outrage over her firing, as fans and comic shops began cancelling their orders for future issues.  Faced with heavy cancellations and under pressure, DC reversed their decision with no explanation just 2 weeks later and reinstated her as the writer of the title.

      Why are we having such a push against female readers, characters and creators? Why are we not embracing the positive changes that they can bring to the industry and make it more exciting and fresh? Fear, plain and simple, from the geek-girl to the executive, women are starting to outperform men in many areas. “Young men of the Millennial generation are routinely outdone by their female peers across a wide range of academic, social, and professional achievements. Hardly a month goes by when we don’t see one of those “young men in crisis” stories on the cover of a magazine.”(Salkowitz76) The comic industry’s main two companies need to adopt a new level of understanding when it comes to female readership. Women do not want to have titles written just for them, they enjoy super hero comics for a number of reasons. Primarily they like super heroes; they allow girls to imagine rescuing themselves instead of waiting for a white knight to show up. Titles such as X-men enjoy a high proportion of female fans, a combination of intriguing storylines and strong female characters make for a great story. “Jeanine Schaefer, an editor at Marvel sums up the issue in this quote: ”Whenever you see a large concentration of women reading one series in particular, it’s less that there’s something specific there that women gravitate towards and more that they’ve found something that doesn’t have an implied sign on it saying ‘no girls allowed.”(Olivia)  

        There needs to be more professionalism in the industry and a change in the “Boys Only” culture that seems to dominate the entire structure. While we have seen the effects they have on the characters and the readers, perhaps more disturbing is how some professionals view female fans and their outward expression of the characters they love and respect. Recently Tony Harris a well-known artist went off on social media about female fans at a local convention.
”But according to a LOT of average comic book fans who either RARELY speak to, or NEVER speak to girls. Some virgins. All unconfident when it comes to girls, and the ONE thing they have in common? They are being preyed on by YOU. You have this really awful need for attention, for people to tell you are pretty, or Hot, and the thought of guy pleasuring themselves to the memory of you hanging on them with your glossy open lips, promising them the Moon and the Stars of Pleasure, just makes your head vibrate.”(Hepburn)
So what kind of actions did these female fans do to illicit this kind of response from Mr. Harris? They simply chose to engage in costume play, or as the art form is more commonly known Cosplay. Cosplay is different than just dressing up in a costume; it’s a performance art that practitioners dedicate themselves to with highly intricate costumes, character mannerisms and a true love of the character they are portraying. Most sources of cosplay come from: Anime Movies, Comics, Manga and Videogames and every convention caters to cosplayers, holding prizes and contests for the particpants. While not all creators share this view, it’s apparent that there is a culture within the industry to continue to perpetuate the misogynist view. As Hepburn points out further in her article. “nobody in the sports world gets upset when women include themselves in fandom; why should comic book geeks?” (Hepburn) 





Hepburn, Ted.”Misogyny and Comics: What happens when a comic book artist rails against women.”Deathandtaxesmag.com. 8 Dec 2012.Web 9 Apr 2013

      Comics are no longer small independent publishers. They are part of huge multinational corporations, DC Entertainment is part of Time Warmer and Marvel Comics is now owned by Disney. “Comics are big business. They sit at the crossroads of art and commerce. Their unique style and subject matter power Hollywood block busters and New York Times best sellers lists.”(Salkowitz 2) With the commercial success last year’s blockbusters The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises, it’s natural that merchandising will follow as the characters become more main stream and popular. However it’s unfortunate they continue to promote a misogynistic approach aimed at children. Recently as reported in the Huffington post, Marvel comics released a line of shirts for boys and girls promoting a distinct difference in the gender lines. The boys shirt proudly proclaims Be a Hero, with a number of iconic male Avengers character including: Captain America, Ironman, Thor and the Hulk. On the Female shirt we still see the same heros portrayed but the slogan states Need a Hero. With just a few simple words it robs a girl of the idea that she can be her own hero, that she can save herself or another regardless of their gender. How hard would it have been to use the same slogan as the boys, but portraying some female Avengers like: Black Widow, The Wasp, Captain Marvel, and She-Hulk to name just a few.

    We need a change in the comic culture from Marvel and DC; a change that supports strong independent heroines shown to be more then objects of sexual desire and fantasies for young men. A hero, real or fictional is meant to inspire us and bring out our best qualities. They challenge us to reach beyond our goals and fight for a better future. We need a Supergirl who is a leader that portrays: strength, compassion, wisdom and courage. A Supergirl who is not a means for sexual exploitation, but who can proudly stand shoulder to shoulder with Superman as an equal. It is time for our heroines to stop being used as: back grounds, plot devices and sexual objects. They need to be used to inspire our daughters, and teach them they are just as capable of being a hero as our sons; empowering them so they can fully achieve whatever dream they seek to inspire in themselves or others.    


Please remember this paper and blog are intellectual property and can not be reprinted without permission from myself.

Till Next Time

Be Well

Monday, December 31, 2012

Then and To Come

As this year comes to a close it's given me time to reflect on this challenging year, and time to look forward to the new year. I had a number of struggles this year with work and found myself having a hard time going back to the daily grind. I did until I finally called a break in July and quit Glentel. I went out on a high note helping the manager while he was away with the store and I went out on my terms. Since then I've been on an extended vacation taking the time to learn about myself and where my next chapter in life comes from.

I enrolled in school and challenged the English requirement and aced it, as well I completed two upgrade courses during the semester earning me 3 university credits, with an A- to boot. I started to get my store up and running and we bought a house and started to settle into it. It's a weird feeling fro sure knowing we are setting down roots for awhile. I watched both my sons grow this year as well, and its a good sign to watch them start growing.

I grew closer with several friends and made some new ones, its an odd feeling to have them like me for me .... I never really had that before in my life. Medb was the exception I look at her and can say in my life I've known true love and will always love her for sharing that gift with me. I had a very close friend come up and help me when i really needed the help, she was with me in Montreal to and she has never asked for anything in return. I can't wait to see her again in March :)

I also broke down and got a puppy, hes a yappy little thing but he adores me. It's a weird feeling to have I guess I'm use to kittens and cats lol. I wouldn't trade my wookie for the world.

I had my share of setbacks as well this year, I'm still fighting my fear of sexuality and looking for my own form of identity. I tend to hide still behind walls and tshirts. But I'm still fighting so its a good thing.

For the coming year I'm going to work hard at school so I can start my bachelors of arts program in Psychology I need three courses with a B average. I want to make my business self sufficient, and turn a profit. I want to be a better daughter and get closer to my mom when she gets down here. I want to have a chance to create many new memories ......

Most important is to share every new day with my Angel and grow with her step by step as she makes me a better woman.....

Till the new year and my next post

Be Well and Live your life like you want to !!!

Saturday, December 1, 2012

A New Transition

As I walked out of the University yesterday, I can feel the start of a new direction in my life. A transition from a worker to a student and from there something more. A change for the better, I'm sure, but a well over due transition of growth. University, even sitting her typing it feels surreal to be honest. All my life I've always said I was not good enough, not smart enough for this step. To be honest I wasn't, I was to busy fighting myself and making excuses to focus on the potential I'm capable of.

I know now that I can accomplish this and in ten years I will have my doctorate. I just don't know the type of woman I will be at the end of it. I won't be the same because one major aspect of school will be the experience of meeting new people and trying new things.  A student... something I haven't done since I left school at 14.....   How stupid I was, I let the bullies win back then and slept a year of my life away in a depression of my own making.

Now forty and four years since making a change in my life I'm going to get a chance to grow and just be me... remind me of a line from a song  .... I just wanted you to know I've changed my life from negative to positive.

As the month starts I'll be updating my blog on a more regular basis.

Till then


Be Well

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

October Change

A year and a bit passes by and so much change, so much at times I can't seem to catch up. I will first say that I loved the month of October, it was great to me. While I had some small successes with school scoring my first A in College for 062... even if it was an A- it proved to me that I can do this all the way to my doctorate. I had a great run in movies, and the biggest event was the fact Medb and I are home owners again.  We took possession on the 24th of October and had our new furniture delivered. It didn't really seem real to tell you the truth, but its hard to argure when you can feel and touch it :). 

We also had Jen come up from North Carolina and help us settle in. You can tell who your friends are when they help you move lol.... I owe her a lot, with out her I don't think the move would have gone as smoothly as it did. She made it easy and from the time she arrived to the time she left made it easy for me. I truly appreciate that and she has my gratitude and respect. So much so if she moves I'll have to go help her :)

We have a new addition to our fur kids, a very well mannered and awesome Shih Tzsu named M'Lady. Medb had been looking for a dog that can help with her Agoraphobia, and she does help her a lot. In the last few years I haven't seen her so calm. I will also be getting my puppie but not till the end of November ... another Shih Tzsu that I've named wookie ... hes adorable and I will post a picture soon. 

As for the rest of everything I still feel lost, I have my own room in the house and to be truthful I have no idea  what to do with it. Will it be geeky   yeah.... but I want it to represent more of me. I just don't know how it will. There still a lot of work to do and we are not fully moved but I will have that done by the end of the weekend. 


Till my next post 

Be Well

Jys

Sunday, October 21, 2012

My First Car

I can remember the day like yesterday, a nice warm spring day and I had just passed my drivers test. With license in hand and the keys to my car I was ready for freedom .... awww 17 and a ford pinto .... those were the days.  I wish I could say I was a care free teenager .... I would be lying, at 17 I was running a buisness, working a part time job and helping my mom look after foster children.

Today I got to see several amazing things. I got to see my eldest son get his first car, a 1997 Mustang the same year and model as my mustang was. We had gone out and he was set on a practical reliable automobile. Theres nothing wrong with that and I can respect that, but this is the boys first car and with that comes some powerful memories. This is his first taste of true freedom, his adult life is starting and as we test drove the car I got to see something rare. I watched as he punched the acceleration  the smile creep across his lips and a laugh. I watched him cut loose a little and as I turned up the radio he settled in and fell in love with his car.

I saw him trade practical for something he will enjoy for many years to come, the car he got will be great for him.... Good gas milage and a safe riding car. He has most of the toys and I think will let him grows in ways he has never considered. Soon it will be his brothers turn and he will have exactly what his brother got, its only fair after all. While my life never went the way I thought it would, or as I wished it would I'm blessed to have two very special sons and an awesome grand daughter. One day when I'll see my grand daughter in her first car and maybe  just maybe I'll see that smile across her lips.... only time will tell


Till next post be well

Jys

Friday, October 12, 2012

Yoga Apparently

As I laid on the mat tonight resting after a yoga work out, I felt my mind drifting, as a question was finally answered. Where would I be one year from now? The time was 11pm EST and a year ago I was in Montreal the night before surgery. Medb and Jen had gone home for the night and would see me around 11 am when I was suppose to be going into surgery. I tried to sleep as it is my escape and sleep didn't really come.  Every few hours they would come check my blood sugar and shoot me with insulin. My levels wouldn't drop.

What sleep I could was broken and filled with night terrors and nurses. It was just short of 6am and they tossed me a gown and slippers telling me I would be prepping for surgery in an hour. Shock and fear hit me all at once because Medb wouldn't be there to see me off. I couldn't say to her I love you one last time before I went up. What if I didn't come out of surgery ok.  For me it was a frighting time ... not the surgery but the unknown. Even today I say I love you way to much... I think because I want her to know if something happened to me.

As they fetched me I kept thinking of the things I haven't done in my life, what I wanted to change and who I want in my life. The hour sped by and even as they stuck the needle in my back I kept trying to think of any reason to stop.... I couldn't.  As i was falling asleep I warned the Doctor to make sure I survive or he wouldn't due to my shield maidens downstairs. The next thing I knew I was being awakened and struggling to fight the sedatives in my body.  I knew she was downstairs and most likely feeding off some adrenalin.

I remember when they brought Rachel down she was bouncing all over the place and wide awake, I could barely sit up .... As the Elevator opened I could hear her and Jen in the main room and she was at my side  very grey and with the best smile I could manage I gave her a smile saying I would be ok and I was ok... the look on her face said everything......

She is my Angel and will always be my best friend and she brings out the best in me, she keeps a lot of me in check.

I got to say those words to her I love you.... And a year later as I laid on the mat I knew I made the right choice and have a direction to grow in. Where will I be next year I don't know, I'll find out and who know I might just tell you all.

Till next post

Be Well

Jyslin

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Hiding

The last few months I've been hiding more from myself by resuming some game playing. I know that for some you would say thats ok.... for me its not really. Its a form of escape and a tool to not deal with my own issues and fears. I know because I've done it since I first picked up a paddle and started shooting asteroids or playing pong.  What can I have to hide from right now, mostly myself and my sexuality. I fear it plain and simple.

Sometimes it easier to just pick up a paddle and play a game or waste a few hours exploring GW2 but its just hurting myself even more. So over the next few months I need to dial it way back and try to find my center again and get back on track. Easier said then done really lol.

The next few weeks have a lot going on, the move and the end of early term with school. A friend from the US is coming up to see Medb and myself and I'm excited. We get to unpack the storage locker  wheeee and prep for renovations. My mom will be moving into our lower suite in a few months so I will have to seee how that goes.

Tonight I'm stressed even if I did do some exploring today and ditched school.... So I will play for a few hours while my meds kick in. Tomorrow is another story though, its will be the day I start packing and deliver a gift to a dear friend I will also try to organize my bushiness and write the proposal that's rolling around in my head.for the last few months.

The question still remains what kind of girl am I and who do I want to be..... some days I miss child hood... some days I don't

Be Well

Monday, October 1, 2012

Days Like These

I don't like these kind of days I tend to get from time to time. It's not the moodiness, the temper or being on the verge of tears all day that other me. I expect those as being female and a result of the hormones. It feels natural really if not a bit bothersome. What gets me is when I really start to pick at my own psychological make up and wonder sometimes how badly I really did damage myself ? How can I mend it, and is it really broken.

I accept the fact I did a lot of this to myself. I chose to hide and pretend nothing was wrong and in doing so I did my self a disservice. I didn't really allow myself to grow, I just lied to myself and said everything was fine. The last few days I've been quite and letting the committee do a number on me, sometimes I think I deserve it... even if the logical side of me says I don't. Sometimes you just can't reason with crazy, you just go with it and hope you make sense of it. 

Today I found myself watching the students in the break area chatting and socializing, the guys were going on about phones and tech and the girls were all over the place. While I listened to them I found out that I couldn't really fit in with any of them. This triggered a feeling of being alone, not in a physical sense but a psychological sense. I wondered how many of them could tear themselves a part and try to live a completely different life. Would they want to, how would they cope and would they be treated any differently by society.
A few days ago I had a mini identity attack because I was having trouble trying to figure out why I'm so scared of my sexuality, why I can't tackle it and why other girls are so excited to try out there equipment. Yet in my case I get scared of the thought and again whats wrong with me.

It's also brought a new trait to me, being judgmental and over the last several months its gotten stronger. It's not a trait I like but I have it and I will have to do my best to lose it. It's all part of working on myself to try and repair some of the damage I self inflicted.... it will all take time and effort but it will come. 

Till my next post 

Be Well

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Grown up Talk

There always comes a time when your children seem to go from one extream to another.  Then there are times when your children grow up and you hear the words .... I really screwed up and I need to grow up. On my grand daughters second birthday I got to have a good talk with my youngest. His tone has changed for the better and seems to have grown up a lot faster then I believed he would. In my case I didn't have much to do with it, that belongs to life it self as it really is a hard bitch.

I have hope from him that in his future he will be more successful due to the harsh lessons he has learned. I also got a chance to to hear how I had helped him in the past by freaking out on him when I found out he tried to self cut himself. I never realized that I had done it at the time. I give him the credit as he is the one with the internal strength to overcome it.

He is raising a beautiful little girl and I hope he will continue his self improvement over the coming years. I think he will and I know if he can get his education he will go anywhere in life he chose's to do. He did make a statement that he is looking forward to moving to the coast here to find work or education. I really hope it does, it will allow me to be closer to him and his girlfriend and my grand daughter. Maybe I can help guide him a little but I think the most important is I can get to know the man he is becoming and become closer to him then I was raising him.

The last few weeks have been so busy but to give you a preview, we bought a house, I got a wookie and we are shopping for furniture... yay no more storage locker :).

Till next post

Be Well

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

What I did on my Summer Vacation

The weight of the back pack hangs on my shoulder as I walk to the bookstore on campus. Strange how it sounds coming from me, 40 years old and I'm getting ready to enter university in the winter. I reflect back on  the past few months on all I accomplished on my summer vacation. I learned a few things about myself and took Ferris Buellers advise, I stopped and looked around a lot and found out how much I've missed in life, and going forwards I'm not going to go back to the way I was, I"m going to go into another transition lol So what did I do all summer ...... They are in no particular order

1) I relaxed and played some games on the computer lol ....Gotham City Impostors and later Guild Wars 2
2)I spent a lot of time with the love my life waking up next to her and just enjoyed her calming energy.
3)I went back to Alberta and fought with the government to change my gender marker
4)I read more and prepared for admittance and placement exams for university
5)I went to Vegas and for the first time in my live I got drunk
6)I hung out with some friends and enjoyed there friendship
7)I layed out the ground work for a start of a new buisness
8)I watched a lot of movies
9)I found the strength inside myself to become a better person
10) I signed up for some personal developmental classes
11)I vowed to conquer my fear of my own sexuality
12) I learned to relax and have fun
13)I celebrated my 14th anniversary with Medb

Tomorrow I again will hit the books and try to conquer math but I will do it with a smile and be grateful that I'm happy with who I am becoming. Allowing this girl to live life and make it what she wants it to be.... I love transitions.

Till my next post 

Be Well

Monday, August 27, 2012

Emotional Turmoil

The last few weeks have been hard for me. I've been stressed over returning to school and the placement tests that I took on the 14th of August. I only needed to score over 40 on the placement test, and I was amazed last week to find out that I actually scored an 59. I did far better then I thought. YAY me !!!

The last few days have been rough, to the point of just wanting to curl up and hide. I know most of it is hormonal and its been amplified by the second anniversary of Medb moms passing. It hit me rather hard this year and I miss her so much. They say time will heal all wounds, and I know it's a matter of time and it will pass.

The last thing I have to do is get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate. This will require me to go back to Alberta and fight with vital statistics. While it sounds simple they have been known to be be real assholes about it. Kinda like a final kick after being beaten up really.

Tomorrow its another day and I'm hoping this mood shifts to something lighter.

Till next time ...

Be Well

Saturday, August 11, 2012

60 Min .... Go

You know August 9th is a great day for me, and this year I got to add another reason to it. August 9th is Medb's birthday and also our anniversary. This year I had a few tests to take for placement and upgrading on my path back to school. I took my time to read all my comprehension questions and did very well on them. I did however get rattled on the essay part of the test.

I was under the assumption we could could pick a topic and write about it, boy was I wrong. I got a statement and then a question and asked to write my thoughts on the subject. It was like a blow to my gut.... then the clock ticked down from 60, to 59:59 on its slow march to 0. With that my mind went blank as I struggled with the subject. Can a person choose to be happy?  This subject should be easy enough for me. However I stared at it and struggled to write the first farking sentence, before I knew it we were staring at 49 minutes.

Panic set in and again I struggled to just get the main paragraph started...... 32 minutes and counting. Rewrite after rewrite, whole words coming and going and my brain screaming at me "Your going to fail here and now." 26 minutes I stood up got my water, took a sip and then just went back and breathed a few times. 22 minutes. Then the negativity stopped, my inner voice said "Shut the fuck up, you got this in Supergirl."

17 minutes and needing 2 more paragraphs and almost 150 words the thoughts form, and the words flow. I continue to read and reread the essay as I go. Making sure that my thought are collected as my brainworks faster then I can type, causing me to skip whole thoughts at times. 2 minutes and I hit the word counter and it flashes 364. Respectable since in 15 minutes I wrote almost 214 words. The teacher was suppose to give us suggestions at the 10 min mark and with less then a min left, I hit the submit button essay unseen and unchecked.

I felt sick after words, and when the instructor comes over I explain that there wasn't time for her to review it. I leave the room for a quick break before starting math. I felt proud that I didn't melt down and pull a Rimmer, writing I am a fish 400 times, before passing out during the exam. I finish up and go back to get my date for review of the tests. I explain why I'm doing the tests and that I will be doing the CLP in a few days and she smiles. "I'm not suppose to do this, but you scored well on the tests a solid 5 out of 8 on the English portion."It made my day as I headed home, my mind racing as the question really hit home. Can you choose to just be happy?"

Yes you can, I made the choice a few years ago to be happy, and I'm grateful every day that I did to choose to be happy. Now how would I rewrite that essay.

Till next post

Be Well

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Practice Test


Well there always comes a time when you have to stretch your weak spots, mine happens to be in english. 
The next days I need to write a placement test for university. This is my first one as practice please enjoy errors and all 

When you drop a few coins in the red kettle during the holiday seasons, have you ever thought you might be encouraging rampant bigotry? The salvation army does indeed help many in need, but only those that they feel deserve help. This is based on their views and evangelical beliefs. Should you happen to be gay, lesbian or transgendered and renounce what they consider to be an  un-healthy life style in the eyes of god.  You are cast out back into the cold. with out aid or support. 

As of 2010 the Salvation Army has assets totaling well over 12 billion dollars. It made 3.7 billion in total donations during the year world wide. It spent 2.6 billion for worldwide programs and another 191 million in fundraiser programs. They also spent close to 350 million in operating expenses, these operating expenses also included fee's paid for lobbying efforts in a number of countries world wide to promote their christian principles. 

Some of the programs they have spent included the use of reparative therapy on Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered  people. For those not familiar with this form of therapy, its main purpose is to try and convince a patient they are actually broken and can be cured. They often try to correct the problem with prayer and deep psychological conditioning, suppressing the biological desire the individual feels. This method has been widely discredited by many psychologist as being extremely harmful to the patient. Since the early 80's it has become widely accepted that homosexuality is a biological and natural occurrence in nature. Despite this some religious organizations still promote and practice this method, many without any psychological training. This is often called praying the gay away.

The Salvation Army has also spent millions of dollars in lobbying efforts to suppress any gay rights. This is not limited to just gay marriage but any legislation that promotes protection of their right to work, live or freely express themselves in peace and free of violence. In 2001 the Salvation army posted that it had a firm commitment from the Bush government that it would be shielded from any city or state legisitaltion barring discrimination of Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered individuals. This was struck down months later after an initial uproar. Again in 2004 they threatened to leave New York City all together if then Mayor Bloomberg enforced a new city bylaw forcing all groups with city contracts to pay benefits to all same sex couples and extended the same rights as hetrosexual couples. Recently in 2012 Maj. Andrew Craibe the spokesman for the Salvation Army in Australia went on a radio show and was quoted as saying "deserve to die" When pressed on the issue by they radio host who was gay he replied " You know, we have an alignment to the Scriptures, but that’s our belief."

Is this christian beliefs, or a twisted version that has been allowed to spread and not evolve as our society has grown and learned over the last 100 years.  Jesus set up a simple rule to just be good to one another and respect all life. To not judge anyone and allow god to make that final judgement. All of the funds that they gather come from donations worldwide, all those coins and dollars dumped in those red kettles fund a portion of hatred and bigotry that I truly believe contradicts the true teachings of Christ. So I ask you next year when you see these kettles across the country in a mall near you, can you give from the heart knowing what some of the funds are used for?

Friday, August 3, 2012

The Work Out


The pain started last night on the thirty fifth ab crunch of the third set and it kept going from there.  The pain felt refreshing a sense of accomplishment. It had been almost a year since the last real work out and for the first time since the surgery it felt great. I know I’ve been doing light wii stuff in the past, but this was different. This was the feeling of wearing yourself out, not your body not allowing you to do the crunch, or lifting that weight.

All my life I’ve battled my weight and for a number of years I didn’t know why. Since I came out almost 8 years ago I was staring 300 pounds in the face. I started a regimen of running for thirty minutes on the tread mill and then a 20 min pilates  routine. In 2 years I was down to 230 and it stuck there for a few more years. Once I started transitioning I again started to lose more weight dropping down to 180 and it’s stayed there since the surgery.

The last 10 months I’ve added about 10 pounds and I’ve had enough. My muscles are almost non-existent thanks to the spiro. The estrogen has kept adding weight and my lack of energy and focus haven’t helped either. My goal is to be between 140 -150 pds by January. That’s a 40 pound loss on my frame and I will succeed on my goal. I’ve watched Medb lose close to 50 pounds over the last 7 months just by watching what she eats and a limited calorie intake. If she can so can I.

Today was great a 20 minute run on the treadmill, 10 min on weights and abs and 10 minutes on the cycle. The result was a lot of sweat, twitching muscles and a drop in blood sugar that I could feel. Tomorrow will be more of the same and in the coming week we will have to add swimming to that list.  I feel so good today because it’s one more step to feeling normal.

Till Next Time
Be Well

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

If You Take The Name ....


I’ve worked retail far too long in my life almost 20 plus years since I was 12. It’s a good entry level job but for a living forget it.  Tonight I went out to get Medb some medication to help her sleep. While I was standing in line I witnessed an East Indian gentleman in a thick accent berate the clerk for refusing to refund an item they no longer carried in stock at their location. She was also of East Indian descent and was very polite offering him a few solutions. He was not accepting of her explanations, and demanded to see her manager or another male. To her credit she remained calm and again said there was no manager on staff, it was 10:30pm after all.

As he became more vocal I found myself unable to tolerate his attitude and I spoke up in a rather loud tone. The conversation started with me saying “I think you need to re attend English again as she has said a number of times why she can’t refund your item.” His attention turned on me and the rage in his eyes spoke volumes. He couldn’t believe that a woman had challenged him and as he became more vocal towards me I just kept it up. I followed the first comment with “ You know that in Canada we have equal rights and while I respect your right to practice your religion, you have no right to belittle her or me. Feel free to return to whatever country you came from if you can’t respect that. “  This only got him madder and he raised a hand and to his shock I clenched a fist and said “If you want to go fine, but you’re going to go home and tell your wife a woman kicked your ass !”

He was a smaller guy and I had to practice my best roleplaying face and locked eyes with him, and he blinked cursing and leaving the store. We had attracted some attention from other shoppers and they didn’t really know what to say. I got a pat on the back from a gentleman behind me who stated had he even tried he was going to pull me aside and deck him. For the cashier she had a smile on her face and a big thank you. I gave her a business card in case he complained the next day. I said I would back her up and tell the truth on how she handled the situation.

Tonight just points out that for the most part I’m done with the retail world unless I start my own venture in the future. I guess I’m like my mom in some ways, able to stand up for others over myself. Did I enjoy it? Not at all, but if I wear the S and took the name Kara it only makes it right.

Till Next Post
Be Well
Jys

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Who Am I .... 1 Year Later

One year ago I sat down and started a blog called All About Me, and the first subject I tackled was Who Am I. I posted all my qualities good and bad and asked myself what kind of person I wanted to become. To be honest the jury is still out on that one. I’ve worked hard over this year to rid myself of some self-destructive traits. To become more positive about myself and the person I am becoming as I deal with repression issues. I’ve made a number of positive steps and I’ll say this blog has helped me by allowing me to be open about myself and my issues.

This year has brought a number of changes in a very short time. I’ve learned to stop being so competitive in the sales force and started helping others on the floor.  I faced my surgery with dignity and found strength during the recovery process. I met new people and made new friends and I’ve learned the difference of true friendships. I’ve grown up a lot and in some ways I’m still like a teenager at times. I’ve learned that I won’t allow others to have power over me, I’m my own woman and I have my own strength.

This year saw me travel a few times to Vegas, Minnesota and once to Toronto all with no interference. I’ve started the seeds to a few potential business ideas. I quit Glentel after a 5 year stint and went on summer vacation. I learned that I will not become an alcoholic as most of my family has become.  The biggest change came just this week as I enrolled in university for my next 10 year venture, a doctorate in psychology. 

I’ve become more confident and sure of myself and in small ways I’m embracing my sexuality and playing with sensuality in some ways. I didn’t run while in Vegas and was able to accept compliments on my appearance. I’ve still kept my protective and vindictive streak, something I will never lose. I know my artistic side is dying to come out as well as my curious side. I’m excited to be attending school again and doing my best to not get overwhelmed by it all. Just take it one small step at a time and like the past 4 years when I look back I’ll be amazed at the progress I’ve made.

What do I look forward to in the coming year? To see if I can make my business work and allow me some free money. To grow as a make-up artist and in my free time allowing my creativity to shine. I want to spend more time with family and friends and strengthen relationships.  To not be so stressed all the time and focused on things I can’t control.  Most important is to take time and educate myself and truly enjoy the university experience. 

Live life like you want to, live it to the fullest and enjoy every moment. Because if you don’t you will lose the most precious gift that you will ever have. Laugh as often as you can and share it with as many as you can and be good to those you meet on the road of life. 

I look forward to the next year and the next 100 posts, till next time ….

Be Well 
Jyslin

Friday, July 27, 2012

Then I got a Number

.... Well its official I'm now a school girl, enrolled in UFV with tests to start in August to see where my skills are. No matter the results I will be starting upgrading classes in September so I can get in the swing of going to class. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I have my doubt's if I should be in university, however its just my own security playing old tricks on me.

It's my time to grow and challenge myself, to put the brains to work and see how far I can get. I won't be alone as Medb is also enrolled at the same school. How will it go ? Only time will tell and the effort I put into the course. I already know the path I wish to follow in Psychology, but I need to keep all my options open as my tastes may change during the course load.

For now I'm going to just be happy that I'll be on a school campus instead of a mall. I'm working for my own future and my own destiny. This is my time and my road and I know in 10 years to the kids I plan to help it will be Dr.Jys :)

Okie till next post

Be Well

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

The Girl Comes Out

This trip to Vegas was more then a business trip to me. It was about stretching my wings, doing and dressing in ways that were not normal. They were a chance to let loose and stop hiding behind excuses. I danced, I joked, I drank and I got sunburned.

I got to spend one on one time with several friends. I got to watch a friend face her own fears and follow my lead and cut loose. I sang and laughed with a close group of friends and had a few moments of yeah I really said that.

What will I take away from this weekend? I can be whatever I want to be and not be afraid to experience things as they come. letting go sometimes is the best method because the experience can be awesome.

Be Well

Jys


     

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Cutting Loose

For 40 years I have said I've never been drunk. I've been able to exert so much control on myself that it's bordering on stupid. Last night I went put and just cut loose allowing myself to go beyond a buzz.

When I woke this morning a lot of question were answered and I'm not afraid. Most of my family are alcoholics and I've been afraid to succumb to that problem. Now feeling the effects of it I know I'm not like my father. I'm a happy person not abusive like he was. I'm funny and cute and relaxed.

It was a great night with a very close friend. Will I go repeat tonight ... Not at all but I won't be afraid to take a drink, or just stop with one if I want more.

Till next post

Be Well