Holiday Season

Sometimes memories comes out of know where. While Medb played her new Susan Boyle CD an old Anne Murray cover was played and it caused me to recall how often I heard that song played on my fathers record player or 8 track. I can remember when we had the traditional holidays. We decorated the house, sang Carols, drank hot chocolate and awaited Santa's arrival.  Then I turned 10 and he decided he needed to find himself, as an adult I understand that families break up .... But at that time I couldn't comprehend it.  Over the last 30 years he has hurt me several times until I vowed to cut him out and stop the pain.

From there I watched my mom work herself to death trying to provide for me, for a number of years we delivered flowers during the holiday season to make ends meet. Every year she did her best to make my Christmas special.... Even when she couldn't afford it. The season started to wear on me every year.... Seeing a false facade from so many. A fake smile and cheer with a underlying of fuck you under the surface.

As a father I did my best to make sure our kids had a Christmas. So they wouldn't carry it forward and they could make there own thoughts about the holiday.  Want to see the ugly side of Christmas just work retail for a few years, I still can't handle Christmas Carols. It was then when I decided to stop celebrating the season. I do love the family aspect but the greed of it just got to me.  The final straw was an invitation by a family member a few years ago after I had transitioned . I was allowed to come if I showed upas my former self ..... This was met with a fuck you.

Now this year we have a granddaughter to think of in a few year, and my mom. My mom adores Christmas and lives giving gifts. So this year I gave her the only thing I could think of .... The money to allow her the ability to give Christmas to others since she is on a disability budget.

For me I have to think of how I wish to go forward and stop feeling the pain of past, so I don't carry this into the future.

Be Well