I caught myself thinking about an old pendant that was given to me by Medb when we first started going out almost 14 years ago. It was a one of a kind coiled dragon with my birthstone in it and beautiful ruby eyes. I wore him for almost 10 years everyday and a rare piece that I would kill someone for if they tried to take him from me. When I started my transition we changed him for my Quan-yin pendant that I have worn everyday since. When I stopped wearing the dragon it was for a few reasons , one was the style didn't fit and the other was for Medb. I wanted to give her something to remember Ian by as I changed into Kara to let the energy that had gathered on him to remain. and at the time we didn't know what would happen while i transitioned.
4 years later and wiser I've come to a few realizations about the original reasons why I stopped wearing him .... one girls can make anything look stylish :) (ty carol for the jewelry advise) and second .... if you take your transition in stride and in a healthy way ... you don't change you grow. I am still the same geek, the same person I was then in many aspects... I'm just learning to grow and just be myself.
I witness so many trying to run from the past and change everything and its not healthy. Once you start cutting everything out you cut away your soul. You damage yourself in so many ways that just won't go away. You can run from yourself but you're just creating a whole new shell and replacing the old one with a new one. By growing you allow yourself to resume where you left off once sealed off from the world. You can build and prosper in many ways and get to love yourself for the first time. A friend once told me that if you consider transition you need to ask yourself can you live by yourself, and love yourself knowing that being alone is a real possibility? If you can't then you shouldn't until you learn to do so . Harsh words perhaps, but true none the less because you need to find that internal love for YOU .
4 years later and I have grown enough to realize that I love who I am becoming, that the hard knocks, the comments and being forced to stand my ground is making me into a beautiful woman. I love Medb for being my best friend first and showing me what true love is. I love my Mom for teaching me to be independent no matter what. I love Jazzy for showing me what a true friend does for those she cares about. I thank those people who laughed at me in private and made me walk away for showing me what I don't want in my life. I love those friends that came into my life and gave me the chance to grow with them and shared with me their joy.
I din't run and change who I am because if I did I would have lost a very caring, loyal person with a hell of a vindictive streak. I'll grow past who I was in to who I want to be and enjoy the good and bad because those experiences are required to be healthy. As midnight once said to me... Vive la vida como usted quiere a la mujer, porque sólo tienes una vida y de su preciosa al perder en tonterías. and this is a very true statement.
You get to choose how this transition will be, you will make it as good or as bad as you choose. It will be as easy or as hard as you make it. It's not easy to do but nothing worth while is.... but regaining yourself is an unimaginable reward. For me its time to regain my Dragon and wear him with pride unafraid of the energy stored in him and adding to him again because I've grown in to him :)
Be Well and everyone keep shufflin !!!!
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