Ok I'm going to girl and admit this ... I'm scared right now about the surgery. I'm not worried if this is the right step for me because I know it is. I'm not afraid of dying on the table either cause I don't fear death. I'm afraid of the surgery itself and not being able to control it or the pain that follows it. That is my issue right now and for the past few weeks I've been storing that fear up and doing my best to control it.
It's been hard to do, some people who have gone threw the same surgery that I'm going to keep going on about the pain. It's not helping me any because my mind has a wonderful way of taking this and twisting it into so much worse. Being sick the last few days hasn't helped either, my temper is short and I'm cranky.
So I'm going to do what I can to do pain management.... I would rather take the pain of every step I take and be fucking grateful I'm no longer inside a shell hiding my face from the world. I would rather have the pain when I dilate instead of having a genital that's alien to me. I would rather have the pain that makes me know that I'm alive... instead of being like the walking dead. I will manage my pain with grace and dignity because I am grateful and humbled that I made it to this point in my life.
I will not tell others how much pain I'm in but will tell them how much I feel alive.
I will not let pain force me to not do something unless it risks my health.
I will not succumb to letting others feel pity for me they will feel my joy of being free.
and should I not get off the table ... I want others not to mourn but celebrate my life.
I will live a life of love and not hate and do the best to make every day my last day.
My Mom had a saying sympathy rest right between shit and Syphilis in the dictionary and I can see her point because it robs us of our strength to stand and fight if we let others do it for us. So when my times comes I'm going to do what every woman has... put my big girl panties on, suck up the pain and move forward and heaven help who ever gets in my way.
You can take that to the bank
Pain... so many fear pain. Pain is a feeling, something we are meant to feel. Unfortunately, some feel more then their fair share. I can't stop your pain or make you feel better through it but what I can do is make this suggestion: When you feel that pain think of it as a release of all the pain from the past years. Pain of trying to figure out who you are, pain of realizing it then being trapped, pain of those around you not understanding... Take the pain as your release for now you are truly going to be you and every bit of the new pain will be worth it:) Love you my dear sweet friend:) HUGS
ReplyDeleteLetting other people know how much you hurt is a way of letting them help share it. Management is a good thing, trying to ignore it is not. Pain is a natural part of healing and it WILL eventually stop. That's what pulled me through my neck surgery - the knowledge that a year from now, even the physical scars wouldn't bother me anymore. Every goal worth seeking has costs, physical and emotional. You've been working the emotional, now it's time for the physical. You want this so much, the pain will be bearable. And you have friends who will help you bear it as much as possible. :-) I'll lend you my rose quartz bracelet for your recovery.
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