The second I meet a person my mind starts to work. I look at what you wear, what you say and how you say it and look at every subtle movement subconsciously. I then greet you with a smile and begin to talk and usually within 5 min I understand what you are trying to present or hide. I've profiled you for one reason .... how to protect myself and adapt to you. It's my method of survival and it keeps me away from many people. I've done this ever since I can remember. It started in preschool when I would sit under desks and watch the kids play and interact.
For me growing up I learned to create a shell and learn to be a chameleon, to adapt and blend with society to keep my deep dark secret of who I truly was away from everyone. It's a tool I've used to great effect in my sales trade, and was my key to surviving. I learned to read people, what they would say and not say ... all to blend and lie .... to survive the fact I wasn't male. I wasn't what people wanted to see or what society wanted me to be. Then the shell broke.
When I started to go full time and experiment in virtual learning to be female I never got rid of the defense, if anything I just redirected the energy into making them stronger. When men started flirting with me it freaked me out, finding an attraction freaked me out even more. I hit overdrive on my defense's and as fast as they could offer a flirt or a compliment I wold counter it hard and fast. I made it so they would have no chance... and they didn't because I was finding every way to counter anything they said or did.
It was not a healthy way to deal with it. How am I suppose to learn to live if I'm always playing defense. How am I suppose to grow ..... I can't really keep doing that. So it has to come down to lowering those defenses, allowing some things threw and learning to deal with a flirt or a compliment in a different way. In an accepting way appropriate to what ever is thrown at me.
Can I be hurt and let down .... yep, but like or not that's really what life is about and I'm not introverted .... I'm and extrovert and compliment in a harmless flirt can be a good thing. It's a compliment to my outward projection of what I am ..... A woman
If you want to know what the profiler see's when she looks at herself .... I see a very repressed,unhappy , angry hurt person ....Do I like it ...No but it's what I did to myself and this is what I'm trying to change.
Till next time
Be Well
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