Family is what you make.....Not always what you were born into.

Stops and takes a look back at the road I've been on the last few years. Many things have changed for me, none more so then understanding the word   "FAMILY". With the exception of my mom who I love so much :) they all left or couldn't accept the changes I made to live a normal and healthy life. I learned that not everyone can transition with you because of their hang ups or personal problems. The truth about blood family is sometimes regardless of the situation you need to walk away for your sake, your health.

It's taken me a bit to move forward because I don't like giving up on people. I kept hoping they would change, but when it hit me that they can't change because they are not at a stage to grow then you have to move on or they choke your growth.  Is it easy... no, is it hard... hell yes, and most importantly is it worth it ... Yes

True Family is what you make and add to your life. They don't have to be blood but they love you as much as you love them regardless of their quirks and problems. If they make you laugh, cry and hurt because you care then that's what matters.  My life has gotten better with the people I've got to know as myself.  Finding those who care about me, and my well being. Finding those who put my needs on equal footing as there own... they are who matter.

I look at those around me today and see some very special friends, some very cherished people I call family and my MOM  ) and realize how lucky of a girl I am. They have taught me so much in the last few years, and will teach me in the years to come.

Picks up her backpack and starts to look down the road at the blank faces she has yet to meet, some will be good, some bad ... some special but most importantly some will become family and in the end family is all we have.

Takes her angel's hand and takes another step towards another day.

Another day in the cage....

Ever have a day that you just can't get into. That was mine today with so many ups and downs... I want to kill the drama monster. From the first real customer I had today...*sorry chatr clients just don't cut it as customers* freaking out at the end of an activation, to Doolz freaking out about something he can never have. *really dude, there is a reason why they call it she's just not into you ! * Where do you find peace and quite... I mean really where do you.

I found mine tonight with medb planning our wedding and understanding there is a lot that goes into this. Something really I have never thought of up till the last little while. So much detail into making it perfect or in our case fun. Something that is special to us and we want others to truly enjoy and walk away feeling good. *Rache only 2 drinks for you*

I can see why girls spend the time planning this from very young, it is fun and I so do not want the drama monster involved or any Bridezilla cause with 2 brides that can get bad. :)  I go to bed with pleasant thoughts and dreams in my head... I know it will be a few years away, I can wait it out as I have plenty of practice at it now to see how this adventure unfolds.  

Future thoughts

I just got back from a wedding of two very close friends Justin and Stephanie, Medb and I did a double date for their first date. It has been interesting to see how much they've changed in 5 years. I care about them both and wish them the best as they start a new life together.  I must like them because I got up and went feeling so sick. I just couldn't make the reception at all stomach and headache.

This has gotten me thinking about medb and our future...what will our wedding be like. For the longest time I have maintained no matter what I'll wear the tux because this is her special day. Something I want her to have, something I want her to remember and cherish because goddess she deserves it.  The other night she called me over as we started a rough Idea for it and she showed me some dresses.  The one she showed me I love she will look stunning in it so very elegant and one of a kind. Then she surprised me by trying to suggest my dress, as much as I try to protest it I know that it won't work. She has put her foot down on that subject.

The more I think about it the wedding is becoming about us, a we thing and I'm excited about it. I've never been married and honestly up to a few years ago it wouldn't have been fair to do it. That was then and frankly this is now. I still have a few things to go thru in the next year but I know I want this to happen. I want Medb to be my bride and wife, as I want to be hers.

She is my best friend, always has been and always will be regardless of anything. Our history has been tough with many hurdles but at the end of the day we are still standing together. Together we make a very tough team , our individual weaknesses bolstered by each others strength and love and in the end regardless of everything all you need is love :)

Guess we are just going to have to roll the dice and see what comes up

Sidelined by a bug :(

I'm sorry have been fighting an intestinal flu that last few days and have not had the energy to post. First time in a bit I have been sidelined from a day of work. Between a dying skintag and the flu I've been goofy and thankfully Medb has been great to me :).

Didn't do to much but sleep and go the doctor.... who I found to be of great relief. He reminded me of my old Dr.Bishop and immediately made me feel at ease and given a few days everything will be back to normal.

Now to go get more water and get some rest :) I'll be back to blogging soon :)

Where I want go .....

A few years ago asking me where I wanted to be was a hard one to respond to. I had no Idea, I was to busy fighting my own inner battle with my gender.  One of the questions Dr.Preece asked me was where do you see yourself in 5 years... All I could come up was on a beach relaxing and being myself. I still see that in my future ... I'm thinking Hawaii right now :)

The question now is what do I want to do because I'm not staying in retail sales for much longer. I'm going to be a psychologist with a specialization in Gender, Sexuality and Children. It's going to be a long haul but I know I will do it. Why would I want to do this ? Simple I want to help others dealing with questions regarding their gender or sexuality, and help children so they don't have to deal with a life time of repression issue's. I've had to and only now close to 40 am I figuring it out. I don't want others to go thru this and show these kids that yes just because you were born different. There is help and you can lead a successful and productive life.
Below is one of the best video's I have watched aimed for children and adults.

I have had a number of people say that kids don't know.... yes we do I can remember at a very early age knowing something was wrong. I just didn't have the strength or courage to do what some of these kids are doing now.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2015778687_trankids31m.html

It's starting to become more common and we need to have educated people to help parents, teachers, friends and families come to terms and with these children and adults who are GID. It makes me angry to read comments like these on posts and blogs dealing with transgenders.

From SuperShrain

they put him on tv because he is famous for being sick and crazy
JAZZ (DAVID IS HIS REAL NAME) IS MENTALLY ILL; HIS PARENTS NEED TO CARE ENOUGH TO HELP
AND HE CANT SING. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN HIS VOICE CHANGES?

                   *Jazz was featured on 20/20 as a tranasgendered child on my secret self*

From Elliotsherrow we have 

Good point, but i still disagree. If my brain functions in the way I feel I am a cat and I act like one, does not make me a cat. I will never be a cat. I am stuck a human no matter what I do. I think it's the same way. Even if he get's a sex change and is legally considered a female I still view him as a male, due to his genetic make up. That is just how he was born. And no matter how badly I wish I was born a cat, no matter what I do I will always be a human genetically at least

These are rather tame compared to some I've read but I feel the more we can make it seen as a medical condition and these children grow up as normal as possible. The better we will all be as a society. 


I want to be part of that, I want to be able to say to myself I made a difference and my life had meaning. I want to know I made a difference and look at myself in a mirror and say I'm proud of myself :)


and I will so lets start at the bottom and work my way up ..... Dr.deWinter   I like the sound of that   or Dr. Jys to others. Chuckles 

Ups & Downs

....  The last few days I've been more emotional and prone to outbursts and I've deliberately  withdrawn because of my mood swings. I know that its normal for women to go thru this... mine however is because I missed a few days of my hormone medication. I did this because I was running really low and only had a few days left.

I tried calling last friday for a refill however the Doctor decided to take the day off and the clinic was closed from Friday till Tuesday. I called this morning and receptionist had got the prescriptions ready and said they would be faxed in for pick up.....  guess what... didn't happen. Had it not been for rache helping who knows when I would have them back.

Tomorrow will be another day and I get a chance to rip them a new one, might make me feel better not like the few others that have bore the brunt of my bitchiness tonight.

I know not really insightful tonight and ty for letting me rant a bit.... tomorrow will be a better day :)

Walking Away

The morning started off far to early for my taste. Sorry 7:45 am for a meeting on a holiday was stupid, however I can't say the day was uneventful. I saw a friend online that I had not seen in a bit so sent a quick Hi and things went fine... long story short within 30 min the conversation was over... the contact deleted and had I been home booted and blocked on the other program I know them on. I had just cut them out of my life, and it wasn't what he said that did it  but I saw as aspect of him when his mask slipped that I didn't like. It was quick and easy and I had no remorse for doing it. I'll admit I didn't have a lot invested in the friendship but the fact that I do this makes me wonder about myself.

All my life I've given everything to my friends, people who are acquaintances I would treat like friends. The majority of times I was always left out, an after thought left out of events and outings unless I invited them or set it up. When I decided to transition I told everyone and was very open about it and in my naivety thought all would be the same, I was wrong on many levels.

I learned very early on to protect myself I had to walk away from those who deliberatily or un attentionally hurt me. At first it was hard to do, but once you cut out people you see as father, close blood relatives and long time friends, it gets rather easy to do. Some of these relationships and friendships I truly miss... but some people can't handle the change and they can't transition with you.  With the exception of a handful of people, like my mom and my fiancée I know I could do it to anyone.  Is it wrong to do this ? Do I still want to do this... ?

I had a lot of time to think about this tonight and I've come to a few realizations beating this around this skull of mine ... 1) Friendship is fluid and changes as you change and that's normal 2) You will only have a handful of true friendships during your lifetime. 3) Those who love and cherish your friendship will fuckin hunt you down if you try to walk away and stay away..... those that let you leave their lives weren't your friend really or you just outgrew each other.