Holy Crap I'm 40

Can't believe it right now, but the calendar does not lie.... the question is now what and how will I react. Medb has always said that a woman hits her stride in her 40's or do I go the guy root and buy a sportscar lol. 

I think hitting my stride will be in the cards really it will all be in how I choose to look at it. Like the song  Every one is free to wear sunscreen says " Some of the most interesting 40 year old I know still don't "

I do know what I want to do .... it will just take a decade to get my doctorate :) . Ever since I started to figure out who I am I've noticed some small changes in the way I look at myself. When I see this goal I've started to say I'm smart enough to achieve this goal. I can do this and need to do this for myself and no one else.  I'm trying hard to break the self abuse and self destruction and empower myself knowing I can be successful in anything I choose to do. 

I'm a very strong person and have survived what many couldn't even fathom doing. I'm a survivor, a fighter and capable of anything I choose to accomplish. I am who I choose to be and really age doesn't mean much to me because I've only truly started to live and I have a promise to keep to medb when I hit 80. The coming year I've set out a few goals for myself to achieve ... 1) prepare for college and get ready for my studies 2) find a profession I love and do it while studying  3) learn a martial art 4) lose those last few pounds and not let my fear rule me on that. 5) most importantly enjoy those friends and family who love me for me .... and let go of the past its for the best.

Ty for those who read these and till next post 

Be Well 

Sexual Identity

I awoke the other night from a very bad dream that had been triggered by a combination of being flirted with online and in real life at work. A few years ago I had an altercation with a customer who had taken an interest in me and had tried to flirt with me at the counter. I was polite with him and he left to go to the till, while he was there he was told by the bagger that I had use to be male.... embarrassed he stormed back from the line and yelling at the top of his lung what he was going to me. He got within 15 feet of the kiosk when Kelly who was with security put him to the ground stopping him.  That day everything changed for me and I let it change me.

Before this moment I had always worn make up and did my best on it always changing it up. I also lightly flirted with some people, Kelly had been one. He was married and I was engaged so there was no harm and I had looked at it as a good way to interact being female. After the incident Kelly had learned the truth of my past and couldn't or wouldn't look me in the eye. The guy had scared me badly and I figured I was as much to blame. Over the next few months I stopped wearing much if any make up at all and did my very best to look as plain as possible and just fade into the background again.

The dream has haunted me a number of times over the years with different results buy always with him not being stopped.... When I came back to Vancouver I tried to go back to wearing more make up and start fresh. I went out to Vegas I had decided to relax a little. I had Jazzy and Rachel there so I would be safe. The night we went out I did a killer job on my make up and later in the evening I did have encounter while they were on the dance floor. I felt his hand grab my ass first then his words about what he wanted to do with my ass. I stiffened and wanted to run but had to deal with it by claiming I would rather have the women on the dance floor making him back off.

Again when I came home I just went back to old habits and back to the same pattern. Fast forward to a few weeks ago I decided to get my nails done and went with a strong color on the tips instead of white. Went to work made up and some mall employee has now asked if I was single... Thankfully they said I had a fiancee and with being flirted with online caused me to go back into a panic.

You can say that all these things are not my fault and you know you would be wrong....  These are caused by others reactions to me and how I look and present myself. What I have done is allow others to change me and allow me to hide form something I do not understand and have not accepted.... my sexual identity.
I love wearing make up and have always been a natural flirt, its just me. I can't change my medical condition but it doesn't make me any less a woman. Hiding behind an excuse of not wanting to hurt someone or cause a similar incident is really only hurting me. I have to deal with my own sexual fears, and find that side of me.... or else I just rob me of myself and I refuse to allow that.

Till next post

Be Well all

Gamer Girl

For a long time I've played video games, mostly to escape and mostly alone. With the rare exception of lotro or guild wars I stayed away from online.

Years ago I did play unreal tournament an online fps but lost the desire to play once things started to open up for me in 2003 and I began to explore my gender.

Gotham city impostors caught my eye on the silliness of the game .... And what the hell I have all the systems so I tried it. Assuming my nick lady jys I picked up the controller and proceeded to get schooled.

A week later and a string of pain filled nights later I am getting better .... Able to hold my own and not feel useless. Now a few days later I find that I've been getting friend requests because I'm a female gamer. It's not something I've had to deal with .... being perceived as needing to be protected when some players go looking for an easy kill or being randomly flirted with.

I don't handle male attention well, it makes me want to run and hide in real and I'm finding it in the virtual world as well. So the question becomes do I turn off the online game and just go back to hiding alone .... Or learn to confront it?

Yeah welcome to my silly life ....

Till next post
Be Well

Whats In A Name ???

Alot actually lol :)   I've learned that all to well over the years and today was no different. After a weeks of waiting I got an email for my business name application back and my first choice deWinter Enterprises had been taken by someone else . Not wishing to ask for permission and delaying the process I asked for them to move to my second choice Weave of Dreams Enterprises. A take on my old web site and the name had been strong in the past.

I was told that it would take till Monday to be searched. Well an hour later I got the confirmation that the name was mine again. Like a phoenix it had risen from the ashes and was ready to go again. The funny thing is it feels right and familiar but new waiting for kara's touch ... what will I bring to it.

It's a start right now. One that will require a lot of work and love to blossom into what I want it to be. It will be mine and it will be successful because .... its my dream :)  Next step Registration and Import number and the major step my business plan :)  ... now wheres my notes?

Till next post

Be Well

Magic

The last week or so has been a bit odd for me. Starting on Tuesday I found myself at a game store with Medb. We were just looking and my eyes were going back to the card game Magic the gathering. It had been a number of years since I had played, almost 8 to be exact ever since all my cards were stolen by my youngest and sold for food at school.

It wasn't the loss of the cards that hurt so much but he took an activity I loved doing with him and his brother away from me. I enjoyed coming home after work sitting down and just playing the game. I've carried that pain for a number of years.... until Tuesday.

While we were there she said let it go hun and forgive or rebuild and continue doing what you love. She knew my choice and we bought some decks and starters and I went home to rebuild. Thursday we went to stronghold and she repurchased the start of my angel deck ...... my favorite deck of all time.

Serra Angel :) my favorite card of all time and still is even if she is outdated. Now a new challenge comes from this ... rebuild and go play on Thursday nights. Meet new people and rediscover the love for the game. I asked my eldest if he would play again and he said no.... I know my friend dan doesn't have anytime in his life but for himself. My youngest is another story .... I want to replay with him, to share that smile as the cards fell where they may. It's been a long time but I forgive him and maybe one day we will play again

Till next post

Be Well

You're Worth Something

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y  

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe ---- Katy Perry Firework

Today was a mixture of emotions going from being unsure to  joy. I was raised  with the belief that if you worked hard you would be recognized and rewarded. All my life I've followed that and yet with my current company I've come to the realization I'm a pee-on. No matter how well I've preformed or tried to protect the company I'll never advance.  After that I found the course I took a few years ago has advanced well beyond me and staring 40 next month kinda shook me today.

What have I done .... is it over.... why did i waste my life ..... but like the fear I listened to all my life its just that fear. The truth is I never lit the fuse to ignite. I lost myself in work and took their shit for so long but thats in the past. What about today....

Today is here and it doesn't need to be about them any longer this time is about me. What can Kara do if she put her mind to something. How would I define success now because money is not a benchmark. Is it intelligence, respect or the feeling of knowing you made a difference in someone life so much that you give them the power to light up the sky.

I'm a sales person always have been but it's not a place for respect. You're only as good as your last month and only as long as you produce. I'm very good at sales and have been rewarded for my abilities. It no longer means anything to me, I don't feel anything just give me my paycheck. I want to be something more, something that people can say ty for changing my life, I want to help and stop people from putting themselves  thru the hell I put myself thru.

I'm great at psychological abuse, its an art I perfected for almost 30 years. I practiced on myself living a lie and damaging myself. Now I just have to reverse it and use it to heal me. Take my life lesson and learn from it and bring it others to stop them from doing it to themselves. That's the respect I want in life and I will ignite to shoot across the sky and see what happens.

Why because I'm worth something and that's the important part in life.

Be Well all

It's Not About Change .... It's Growth

I caught myself thinking about an old pendant that was given to me by Medb when we first started going out almost 14 years ago. It was a one of a kind coiled dragon with my birthstone in it and beautiful ruby eyes. I wore him for almost 10 years everyday and a rare piece that I would kill someone for if they tried to take him from me. When I started my transition we changed him for my Quan-yin pendant that I have worn everyday since.  When I stopped wearing the dragon it was for a few reasons , one was the style didn't fit and the other was for Medb. I wanted to give her something to remember Ian by as I changed into Kara to let the energy that had gathered on him to remain. and at the time we didn't know what would happen while i transitioned.

4 years later and wiser I've come to a few realizations about the original reasons why I stopped wearing him .... one girls can make anything look stylish :) (ty carol for the jewelry advise) and second .... if you take your transition in stride and in a healthy way ... you don't change you grow.  I am still the same geek, the same person I was then in many aspects... I'm just learning to grow and just be myself.

I witness so many trying to run from the past and change everything and its not healthy. Once you start cutting everything out you cut away your soul. You damage yourself in so many ways that just won't go away. You can  run from yourself but you're just creating a whole new shell and replacing the old one with a new one. By growing you allow yourself to resume where you left off once sealed off from the world. You can build and prosper in many ways and get to love yourself for the first time. A friend once told me that if you consider transition you need to ask yourself can you live by yourself, and love yourself knowing that being alone is a real possibility? If you can't then you shouldn't until you learn to do so .  Harsh  words perhaps, but true none the less because you need to find that internal love for YOU .

4 years later and I have grown enough to realize that I love who I am becoming, that the hard knocks, the comments and being forced to stand my ground is making me into a beautiful woman. I love Medb for being my best friend first and showing me what true love is. I love my Mom for teaching me to be independent no matter what. I love Jazzy for showing me what a true friend does for those she cares about. I thank those people who laughed at me in private and made me walk away for showing me what I don't want in my life. I love those friends that came into my life and gave me the chance to grow with them and shared with me their joy.

I din't run and change who I am because if I did I would have lost a very caring, loyal person with a hell of a vindictive streak. I'll grow past who I was in to who I want to be and enjoy the good and bad because those experiences are required to be healthy. As midnight once said to me... Vive la vida como usted quiere a la mujer, porque sólo tienes una vida y de su preciosa al perder en tonterías.  and this is a very true statement.

You get to choose how this transition will be, you will make it as good or as bad as you choose. It will be as easy or as hard as you make it. It's not easy to do but nothing worth while is.... but regaining yourself is an unimaginable reward. For me its time to regain my Dragon and wear him with pride unafraid of the energy stored in him and adding to him again because I've grown in to him :)

Be Well and everyone  keep shufflin !!!!