OhMy !!!!

It started in a slow roll and exploded in a sensation that I will never forget. A feeling so deep that its hard to put into words. I collapsed into her arms and openly wept as the sensation past. A whole number of questions finally being answered and fears being thrown back into the darkness where they belong. Would I be able to again feel everything, could I orgasm again and the most important question. Was the operation the correct path for me? yes...Yess  ..... YYEEEESSS . Its hard to lie when the body feels right and you have a deep inner peace.

I laid there for several moment ... her arms wrapped around me and let all the stress go. The knowledge that this was the right path for me. My gamble paid off in full and truly feeling whole. The body and mind were in one and in sync. In 30 years I had not experienced  the feeling that I'm complete.  It was amazing and a true day to remember.... I can now say to anyone that this was the right road to take bar none. The surgery was the right path for me to take. No one can tell me different because I've lived it ... and experienced it.

I have no words to describe it but life and I'll always be grateful in the one person who risked everything to give me this gift... My angel, she is my rock, my love and most important my best friend te amo mi angel . 


Be Well 

Six Months .....

It's odd 6 months ago I was a week out of surgery having the stent removed. My aftercare was 4 times a day and I had no idea what was ahead.

Today I'm down to once a day in my aftercare, I just received my presidents club trophy and about to head home to my angel. I truly miss her when I'm away. To celebrate I revisited my.fear from Las Vegas .... A Victoria secrets outlet. I know to some this sounds like it's nothing. To myself I feel out of place .... The images, some of the girls shopping there hit me hard. I'm not use to it ... I didn't have the luxury of growing up playing with style, make up or hair .... I'm learning as I go.

With a deep breath I went in and stood my ground ... I repeated to myself ... I belong here no one can change that ..... and unlike Vegas I didn't run. I made my purchases and it felt good. The next 6 months a lot will change for,me all good.... July will be a change in a big way for me ... I'm going to do something I've never done before ..... You'll just have to see what I have planned :)

as for the bag .... It's a trophy of kicking fear in the teeth :) What was in it ? That's a secret between me and Victoria

Till next time

Be Well

New Directions

I had an emotionally draining past week. very emotional, angry and on the edge, partially due to hormones but also with a frustration with myself. I want to change and  to not be afraid to flirt, to live, laugh and just be whoever I want. Of all the problems and challenges of transition the greatest gift is the ability to be whatever kind of person you want to be. To shuck off the shell and soak up life and freedom. To often it is wasted, it's easier to just go back to the same old same old. To hide and complain about how life's not fair, to dwell on the negative and assume that we're victims. Life is hard .... change is hard but oh its so worth it.

I want to be the kind of girl that leaves an impression when I leave .... people thinking  What a Gal. I want to smile and laugh. I want to break men's hearts because simply they can't touch me. I want to be able to flirt and not feel like running just because a man shows a hint of interest outside of work or business. I want to be able to feel comfy in a make up store or shopping as I do in a gaming store.  I want to find the beauty in life, the good in people. I want to be able to help others even if I'm blunt and dishing out tough love.

In short I want to change myself and become a better person by christmas. I'm going to do this by changing something about myself everyday and seeing how I grow. Work out more, Experience more, eat better, do my make up everyday and so on.

Till my next post

Smoke me a salmon, I'll be back for diner

Be Well

Waking in Tears

I went to bed tired and emotionally drained tonight. a combination of many things. The hardest was walking away from two friendships that ment a lot to me. This was my choice to do but the silence was hurting me to much and it was my call. I also deactivated my old facebook profile, I kept it up so some could find me but after 4 years it seemed pointless at this stage of my life.  Walking away is never easy but I made my choice after I found myself getting angry at one of them. If there is to be no future with them I want to remember the good times. What I liked about them .... not the anger.

I woke a short time later crying fragmented dreams of a warped scene from the empire strikes back .... lightsabers, hyper smart ferritts and a very angry image of myself  full of rage, anger, sorrow and raw emotions looking into a broken mirror ... a shattered image and the feeling who is to blame?

I could blame society, religion, my mother, can't say sperm doner, I could blame everything but its not the truth. I am to blame for my fractures, my anger, my hurt, my fear .......as I look inwards at the core of my being to a very hurt, angry girl  I lay the blame at my own feet and no matter how many people will say you did nothing wrong.... they are wrong I let myself do this to myself.

I carry anger towards both Ken and Michael , towards those that walked away or fell silent, towards my employer towards Brian and Dan ..... but mostly towards myself for not letting go of the hate and anger.
I have to let it go and I have faith in my goddess that I have the strength to do this and grant mercy on to those that feel I hurt or lied to them. May they find peace within there lives....

It's 3:31 am and I'm going to try and go back to sleep

Happy bunny day

Be Well

Lowering The Defense

The second I meet a person my mind starts to work. I look at what you wear, what you say and how you say it and look at every subtle movement subconsciously. I then greet you with a smile and begin to talk and usually within 5 min I understand what you are trying to present or hide.  I've profiled you for one reason .... how to protect myself and adapt to you.  It's my method of survival and it keeps me away from many people. I've done this ever since I can remember. It started in preschool when I would sit under desks and watch the kids play and interact.

For me growing up I learned to create a shell and learn to be a chameleon, to adapt and blend with society to keep my deep dark secret of who I truly was away from everyone. It's a tool I've used to great effect in my sales trade, and was my key to surviving. I learned to read people, what they would say and not say ... all to blend and lie .... to survive the fact I wasn't male. I wasn't what people wanted to see or what society wanted me to be. Then the shell broke.

When I started to go full time and experiment in virtual learning to be female I never got rid of the defense, if anything I just redirected the energy into making them stronger. When men started flirting with me it freaked me out, finding an attraction freaked me out even more. I hit overdrive on my defense's and as fast as they could offer a flirt or a compliment I wold counter it hard and fast. I made it so they would  have no chance... and they didn't because I was finding every way to counter anything they said or did.

It was not a healthy way to deal with it. How am I suppose to learn to live if I'm always playing defense. How am I suppose to grow ..... I can't really keep doing that. So it has to come down to lowering those defenses, allowing some things threw and learning to deal with a flirt or a compliment in a different way. In an accepting way appropriate to what ever is thrown at me.

Can I be hurt and let down .... yep, but like or not that's really what life is about and I'm not introverted .... I'm and extrovert and compliment in a harmless flirt can be a good thing. It's a compliment to my outward projection of what I am ..... A woman

If you want to know what the profiler see's when she looks at herself .... I see a very repressed,unhappy , angry hurt person ....Do I like it ...No but it's what I did to myself and this is what I'm trying to change.

Till next time

Be Well

Do I Pass !!!!

LOL the battle cry of the cross dresser and when i identified a number of years ago it made sense. Here's a few facts about CD's   .... 1) most will never leave the comfort of there own home. 2) most will dress in private 3) only 5 % will ever really go out in public and mostly at night in groups. 4) most are hetero sexual males.

They are mostly concerned with there appearance and how closely do they look like women out on the town. They rarely work on anything above appearance and those out in public love the photo's  oh do they love the photo's.

It's also a place where transgenders test the waters. I've known a number of girls who have fully transitioned like myself but the question of do I pass is a trap you don't want to get into because it really doesn't matter. what matters is the fact that you're happy. I've seen girls stop because there voice isn't girly....  they are afraid of being in public or they don't look like the perfect barbie doll...... news for you  very few will much like natural women.

Fact .... Women come in all shape and sizes, they all have different voices from high to low and like women we all do to. My advise to you is work on the important factor ... who you are !!!  Style, mannerisms and such will come as you transition. Hormones will soften features and you will continue to change after surgery. You can all work with the voice .... just be your self and at the end of the day who cares if you pass .... the million dollar question is ..... Are you happy?

Be well

Frustration in Vegas

First time back in Las Vegas post op and it was met with mixed results. On the business side it was a resounding success. I had a number of old distributors remember weave of dreams, and the man who ran it. Shocked was the theme of the day....but it explained why the website went dark for a few years. All the old accounts we're reset up and we are a go with some new ones as well .... Next year we will be in a position to buy show specials.

I had a great night with fuzz and dee homemade lasagna and chatting on the porch was nice :) . Like the group on imvu they are just as they are online. When I come out in July we will have to get together again. My frustration came with my time alone, I made myself go out and in a city of millions it's hard to feel alone.

The committee in my head started in on me early on Tuesday as I kept watching women interact easily. I started to feel insecure and wonder what was wrong with me. I went shopping and found that it just got worse for me as I realized I had no clue what I want my style to be. I felt out of place in every store I went into.  The day went on and I had to stop and breathe and gather myself. Style wise I have to learn all over again, try different things and be daring. If I don't then it's my loss and I can only blame myself.

I keep my gut because it's a shield, I don't dress up or wear much make up because it's a shield. I'm probably one of the most introverted extroverts you'll ever meet. I sat down had a frozen yogurt and calmed. Turned around walked into Fredericks of Hollywood and purchased a classy little black dress and something else... And shipped a few other stores.

I refuse to be bullied by myself, women come in all shapes and sizes and I will find out my style. I've only had 4 years at this and that's not a long time. My guy will be gone those last 40 pounds history soon :) I'm not going to run and hide because it's not me.

Be well