The accomplishment of the past year

This past year while tough had many good and bad times. For starters I managed to hit presidents club for the fourth year in a row. We moved from Calgary back to Vancouver, I started to make new friends. I got to meet a very special friend in rl from once in Vegas. I underwent a major surgery and came out stronger then ever. I bonded with my grand daughter and want to see so many things go right for her.

The most important thing thou .... Was the choice to figure out who I am and who I want to be. It's a major undertaking and one of the biggest challenges I have ever thought of taking. A lot of my success this year comes from Medb who continues to challenge me. I reconnected with Jen in Montreal and formed a stronger bond with... Something I will always cherish. I grew closer to Rachel who I owe a lot of thanks to. She has helped me so much this year and I'm starting to see her grow. Jazzy showed me the strength of a friendship by always being there and taking just a few seconds of her day to say Hi.

This year I will never forget ....it was my year of transformation. It was a growing up year and understanding that I have a lot to live for. I lost friends, and moved away from some good people. I made new friends and will always keep in touch with those that live away from me.
I started to do old things in a new light .... Oh how I still love comics, roleplaying games, lightsabers and movies.

I learned that I have a special friend that no matter what will always have my back, she is my best friend, she has,is and always will be my angel.

Be Well

The walk

There comes a time in every recovery that you know you're about back to normal physically. For me it was today and came in a surprising way, I noticed for the first time in 10 Weeks I was walking faster then Medb. I started to giggle as I strode past her in a normal walk.... Almost no pain to hinder me.  It was an amazing feeling and made me want to cry with tears of happiness.

it's not the first change I'm noticing right now. Over the last few days I've started to get things back on track. I reloaded my iPod and set my music. I've restarted gaming and sitting more,.later today I'll begin to study for college a I prepare for my future. In a few days I'll go and swing and look at courses to improve myself. In 2012 I'll live and just find myself.

Self discovery is a hard task. You never know how you will turn out, but we all have the ability to change ourselves. We all have the power to be the best people we want to be. You just have to accept that you can shape your future and truly believe it. The first rule is simple ..... Stop being your own worst enemy.  Learn to love yourself and the rest of the world opens up.

For myself I have a lot to learn and some heavy Roads to travel. I know how to be self destructive, I know how to put up barriers and not allow myself happiness. That has to change now because in reality ...... I'm worth it.

Be Well

Star Wars

A long time ago on a farm in a province not to far away.....

I grew up during the time of the first and in my opinion only trilogy of star wars. I had so many of the toys and was thrilled by the adventures. I guess they were my Barbies.... being a bit of a loner I lost myself pretending to expand the stories of the universe. My toys got played with and I have many find memories from those days.

A few days ago I got knights of the old republic. A mmo game set in the star wars universe and once playing it brought me right back to my childhood. the music, sound effects and world coming alive in ways it brought a sense of relief to me. It allowed me to feel as thou my experience's were still apart of me. I know it sounds odd however since I started my transition I find myself second guessing my past.

A few days ago Medb joined the game as wellto keep me company and I'm glad she did it adds a very special element to the game. For now I have to jet .... Time to find a woolie companion ... May you be well and the force with you.

Holiday Season

Sometimes memories comes out of know where. While Medb played her new Susan Boyle CD an old Anne Murray cover was played and it caused me to recall how often I heard that song played on my fathers record player or 8 track. I can remember when we had the traditional holidays. We decorated the house, sang Carols, drank hot chocolate and awaited Santa's arrival.  Then I turned 10 and he decided he needed to find himself, as an adult I understand that families break up .... But at that time I couldn't comprehend it.  Over the last 30 years he has hurt me several times until I vowed to cut him out and stop the pain.

From there I watched my mom work herself to death trying to provide for me, for a number of years we delivered flowers during the holiday season to make ends meet. Every year she did her best to make my Christmas special.... Even when she couldn't afford it. The season started to wear on me every year.... Seeing a false facade from so many. A fake smile and cheer with a underlying of fuck you under the surface.

As a father I did my best to make sure our kids had a Christmas. So they wouldn't carry it forward and they could make there own thoughts about the holiday.  Want to see the ugly side of Christmas just work retail for a few years, I still can't handle Christmas Carols. It was then when I decided to stop celebrating the season. I do love the family aspect but the greed of it just got to me.  The final straw was an invitation by a family member a few years ago after I had transitioned . I was allowed to come if I showed upas my former self ..... This was met with a fuck you.

Now this year we have a granddaughter to think of in a few year, and my mom. My mom adores Christmas and lives giving gifts. So this year I gave her the only thing I could think of .... The money to allow her the ability to give Christmas to others since she is on a disability budget.

For me I have to think of how I wish to go forward and stop feeling the pain of past, so I don't carry this into the future.

Be Well

Old Self

I'm sorry I haven't posted the last few week. To be truthful I just wasn't up to it and a lot hash happened. Between incompetent doctors,insurance adjusters and work I've been stressed. The pain has been bad and until today rather constant.
Tonight thou was a nice surprise Medb has been sick and spent most of the night in bed. As we were just resting and surfing on our tabs I happened to see if they had a mame emulator. What is mame? It's an arcade emulator that I've had for years. Well they had a new one out for free ... I downloaded it but it only ran and old ROM set.
They made mention of a program call crlmame that could use the dat file the developer put in the app. I was lost on how to use it... How to do it. I did the best I could puttering around after downloading the file. An hour later I had it done and loaded on my tab. It was like old times and I felt normal for the hour ... No pain and no stress.
It gave me insight to my old self and something I wanted to keep. That sense of curiosity and teaching myself, the feeling of success when it's been accomplished. The thrill of.... I did it and tonight I captured that piece of myself again ....nothing left to say but give me a roll of quarters cause it game time.
Be Well

A Different View

One of the things I learned about this path is that it's not all about you. You have many things to consider with family and friends. They have a choice of going with you down this path or not. They will have varied reactions, they will change to a certain extent. This is their right and does have to be accepted.

I wanted to share what it was like for me to witness the change. I didn't think much would happen when I transitioned after telling everyone. I was open and honest with all even when I should have been slower. That was my choice and I have to accept what happened in those circumstances. I watched the look of shock on everyone ... They all said you need to do what's best for you. I'm happy for you, why are you doing this ? It was generally good initially then time set in. People got a chance to think about it, and then I watched so many change... Some for good and they fully accepted me, others could not bring themselves to be seen with me. Some outright disliked what I did and disowned me for life. To watch people change so drastically leaves a mark with you, it opens your eyes to how quickly people can change. It was a shock to lose some very close friends who I looked up to, considered like a brother to me and watched how blood family can treat you like dirt.

I've made new friends and I know the relationships will change in time. I just hope they won't be as drastic from what I've experienced.

Time to Rest

Perhaps the title should be something else .... I had no clue how worn out I was before surgerytill the last few Weeks. It's no secret I tire easily now, a half day of running and I'm sleeping the next one away. My body is healing well, I've had no problems with infections or bleeding. The stitches and sutures all look good.....but I have no energy.

I figure that has to do with how run down I was before the surgery from work and stress and now I'm being forced to slow down. I will for now but I don't like it I would love to walk and move with out pain. I would love to be able to sit with out a dull ache and sharp pain. I would love to lie down without falling asleep.

I know it will come over the next few months, I just have to be patient. The pain is a positive sign because it means the nerves were not destroyed in the surgery. While I am awake it's a good thing because I've got to spend time with Medb.

Tomorrow I'll be stronger :)

Geeking Out

Well the last few weeks I've had time on my hands to just rest and recoup. Having no work and not having the strength to sit countless hours I started to console game again. Collect comics and veg watching movies. Part of me feels guilty and is having this need to work, the other part of me is saying shut the fuck up you need this time.

So I'm doing what's best for me ..... Learning to relax some and develop some new hobbies and break one old bad habit.... Working to long at the expense of everything else. ALL it got me was a kick in the head and it didn't help me. So from now on I'm going to do what's best for me and my family.

Tonight it was nice I got to play some fighting games on xbox live with Adam ... I lost a lot, however for me it brought back some familiarity from before. Playing and just having fun .... Didn't matter if I lost just have fun. Next up .... Photography with my best friend , my angel something that we both enjoy .... Then who knows