Fatherhood

Fatherhood for me was something I had to learn on the fly. I didn't have any positive role models growing up, I grew up in grade 5. I learned very fast that things never lasted forever, you could truly trust very few. Life was a cruel bitch and men were never to be trusted,  From my alcoholic sperm donor Ken  I can't call him a father because he never raised me. I met him once for 15 minutes and his words to me were " Get the fuck off my properity and don't think you will ever get a cent from me, " Don't worry ken the bars and legion got all your money.  To Micheal who managed to break my heart 3 times once when he left to find himself when I was 10. He was the only man I had know my entire life till then and he cut me and my mom out of his life. He re-entered it at 16 and I tried again to forge that bond. I almost came out back then.... he left when he met his now wife Nancy. Again he walked away with no contact till 3 years ago. I opened up to him just like I had with everyone else. He had initially opened up and things were good then three days after a barrage of emails he shattered my heart for the last time.

There were a few others that came over the years, Malcolm and then John. They were a fine pair to live with one  ran his house like a military boot camp and the other loved to play mind games. To say I have men issues is an understatement. I rarely will trust a man and they will have to earn my trust over a long period of time. Few have managed to and of most of the friends i lost they were male.

When I first met Medb I knew that she was a package deal with her kids. They were coming from a bad past with a man who again was like an overgrown child. I don't doubt that Paul loved his boys in his own way.  I told them I would never replace their father. I would be for them like their father but I would have to earn their trust. Did I have any experience in rasing kids? NO !!!!  I did vow to myself that I wouldn't be like any of my role models.  To this day it still holds and always will they are my kids, even if i don't approve of there life choices or actions.

Was I the best father I could be..... No I wasn't . I was battling myself every day. I could have been there more for them. I worked a lot to put the roof over our head and food in our bellies and try to earn some cash for entertainment. I did lose myself in the comp at times and should have been getting them in clubs or activities, We just didn't have the cash but we never starved and the morgage was always paid.  I should have spent more time with them.

Now as they are in there 20 and have or will have children... yes I'ma proud grandma now of a beautiful grand daughter I hope they improve on what I started and can be a better father then I was. If they do read this  here's some advice.

You need to work hard and smart in a trade or a profession you love to do.
Go to school and always upgrade yourself because the world is still a cruel bitch., you need to provide for the precious bundle of joy and being unemployed won't do it.
The days of playing games and hanging with your homeboys are over you need to grow up and be a father. Spend your off time with them and make it count because regret is a bitch.
Watch the people you hang around , because you never know who they truly are.
Cherish the good times becasuse they will help you get thru the dark times.
Take charge and lead by example, your children will be watching you and learning from you.

Do I blame my "fathers" for my failure's, no I don't because they taught me what a father shouldn't do.  I did my best with the tools I had. They weren't a lot and in the end I'm still here and always will be. That is something to be proud of. In the end I did better then they did and I hope my sons can and will outdo me.

Be Well