Hiding

The last few months I've been hiding more from myself by resuming some game playing. I know that for some you would say thats ok.... for me its not really. Its a form of escape and a tool to not deal with my own issues and fears. I know because I've done it since I first picked up a paddle and started shooting asteroids or playing pong.  What can I have to hide from right now, mostly myself and my sexuality. I fear it plain and simple.

Sometimes it easier to just pick up a paddle and play a game or waste a few hours exploring GW2 but its just hurting myself even more. So over the next few months I need to dial it way back and try to find my center again and get back on track. Easier said then done really lol.

The next few weeks have a lot going on, the move and the end of early term with school. A friend from the US is coming up to see Medb and myself and I'm excited. We get to unpack the storage locker  wheeee and prep for renovations. My mom will be moving into our lower suite in a few months so I will have to seee how that goes.

Tonight I'm stressed even if I did do some exploring today and ditched school.... So I will play for a few hours while my meds kick in. Tomorrow is another story though, its will be the day I start packing and deliver a gift to a dear friend I will also try to organize my bushiness and write the proposal that's rolling around in my head.for the last few months.

The question still remains what kind of girl am I and who do I want to be..... some days I miss child hood... some days I don't

Be Well

Days Like These

I don't like these kind of days I tend to get from time to time. It's not the moodiness, the temper or being on the verge of tears all day that other me. I expect those as being female and a result of the hormones. It feels natural really if not a bit bothersome. What gets me is when I really start to pick at my own psychological make up and wonder sometimes how badly I really did damage myself ? How can I mend it, and is it really broken.

I accept the fact I did a lot of this to myself. I chose to hide and pretend nothing was wrong and in doing so I did my self a disservice. I didn't really allow myself to grow, I just lied to myself and said everything was fine. The last few days I've been quite and letting the committee do a number on me, sometimes I think I deserve it... even if the logical side of me says I don't. Sometimes you just can't reason with crazy, you just go with it and hope you make sense of it. 

Today I found myself watching the students in the break area chatting and socializing, the guys were going on about phones and tech and the girls were all over the place. While I listened to them I found out that I couldn't really fit in with any of them. This triggered a feeling of being alone, not in a physical sense but a psychological sense. I wondered how many of them could tear themselves a part and try to live a completely different life. Would they want to, how would they cope and would they be treated any differently by society.

A few days ago I had a mini identity attack because I was having trouble trying to figure out why I'm so scared of my sexuality, why I can't tackle it and why other girls are so excited to try out there equipment. Yet in my case I get scared of the thought and again whats wrong with me.

It's also brought a new trait to me, being judgmental and over the last several months its gotten stronger. It's not a trait I like but I have it and I will have to do my best to lose it. It's all part of working on myself to try and repair some of the damage I self inflicted.... it will all take time and effort but it will come. 

Till my next post 

Be Well

Grown up Talk

There always comes a time when your children seem to go from one extream to another.  Then there are times when your children grow up and you hear the words .... I really screwed up and I need to grow up. On my grand daughters second birthday I got to have a good talk with my youngest. His tone has changed for the better and seems to have grown up a lot faster then I believed he would. In my case I didn't have much to do with it, that belongs to life it self as it really is a hard bitch.

I have hope from him that in his future he will be more successful due to the harsh lessons he has learned. I also got a chance to to hear how I had helped him in the past by freaking out on him when I found out he tried to self cut himself. I never realized that I had done it at the time. I give him the credit as he is the one with the internal strength to overcome it.

He is raising a beautiful little girl and I hope he will continue his self improvement over the coming years. I think he will and I know if he can get his education he will go anywhere in life he chose's to do. He did make a statement that he is looking forward to moving to the coast here to find work or education. I really hope it does, it will allow me to be closer to him and his girlfriend and my grand daughter. Maybe I can help guide him a little but I think the most important is I can get to know the man he is becoming and become closer to him then I was raising him.

The last few weeks have been so busy but to give you a preview, we bought a house, I got a wookie and we are shopping for furniture... yay no more storage locker :).

Till next post

Be Well

What I did on my Summer Vacation

The weight of the back pack hangs on my shoulder as I walk to the bookstore on campus. Strange how it sounds coming from me, 40 years old and I'm getting ready to enter university in the winter. I reflect back on  the past few months on all I accomplished on my summer vacation. I learned a few things about myself and took Ferris Buellers advise, I stopped and looked around a lot and found out how much I've missed in life, and going forwards I'm not going to go back to the way I was, I"m going to go into another transition lol So what did I do all summer ...... They are in no particular order

1) I relaxed and played some games on the computer lol ....Gotham City Impostors and later Guild Wars 2

2)I spent a lot of time with the love my life waking up next to her and just enjoyed her calming energy.

3)I went back to Alberta and fought with the government to change my gender marker

4)I read more and prepared for admittance and placement exams for university

5)I went to Vegas and for the first time in my live I got drunk

6)I hung out with some friends and enjoyed there friendship

7)I layed out the ground work for a start of a new buisness

8)I watched a lot of movies

9)I found the strength inside myself to become a better person

10) I signed up for some personal developmental classes

11)I vowed to conquer my fear of my own sexuality

12) I learned to relax and have fun

13)I celebrated my 14th anniversary with Medb

Tomorrow I again will hit the books and try to conquer math but I will do it with a smile and be grateful that I'm happy with who I am becoming. Allowing this girl to live life and make it what she wants it to be.... I love transitions.

Till my next post 

Be Well

Emotional Turmoil

The last few weeks have been hard for me. I've been stressed over returning to school and the placement tests that I took on the 14th of August. I only needed to score over 40 on the placement test, and I was amazed last week to find out that I actually scored an 59. I did far better then I thought. YAY me !!!

The last few days have been rough, to the point of just wanting to curl up and hide. I know most of it is hormonal and its been amplified by the second anniversary of Medb moms passing. It hit me rather hard this year and I miss her so much. They say time will heal all wounds, and I know it's a matter of time and it will pass.

The last thing I have to do is get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate. This will require me to go back to Alberta and fight with vital statistics. While it sounds simple they have been known to be be real assholes about it. Kinda like a final kick after being beaten up really.

Tomorrow its another day and I'm hoping this mood shifts to something lighter.

Till next time ...

Be Well

60 Min .... Go

You know August 9th is a great day for me, and this year I got to add another reason to it. August 9th is Medb's birthday and also our anniversary. This year I had a few tests to take for placement and upgrading on my path back to school. I took my time to read all my comprehension questions and did very well on them. I did however get rattled on the essay part of the test.

I was under the assumption we could could pick a topic and write about it, boy was I wrong. I got a statement and then a question and asked to write my thoughts on the subject. It was like a blow to my gut.... then the clock ticked down from 60, to 59:59 on its slow march to 0. With that my mind went blank as I struggled with the subject. Can a person choose to be happy?  This subject should be easy enough for me. However I stared at it and struggled to write the first farking sentence, before I knew it we were staring at 49 minutes.

Panic set in and again I struggled to just get the main paragraph started...... 32 minutes and counting. Rewrite after rewrite, whole words coming and going and my brain screaming at me "Your going to fail here and now." 26 minutes I stood up got my water, took a sip and then just went back and breathed a few times. 22 minutes. Then the negativity stopped, my inner voice said "Shut the fuck up, you got this in Supergirl."

17 minutes and needing 2 more paragraphs and almost 150 words the thoughts form, and the words flow. I continue to read and reread the essay as I go. Making sure that my thought are collected as my brainworks faster then I can type, causing me to skip whole thoughts at times. 2 minutes and I hit the word counter and it flashes 364. Respectable since in 15 minutes I wrote almost 214 words. The teacher was suppose to give us suggestions at the 10 min mark and with less then a min left, I hit the submit button essay unseen and unchecked.

I felt sick after words, and when the instructor comes over I explain that there wasn't time for her to review it. I leave the room for a quick break before starting math. I felt proud that I didn't melt down and pull a Rimmer, writing I am a fish 400 times, before passing out during the exam. I finish up and go back to get my date for review of the tests. I explain why I'm doing the tests and that I will be doing the CLP in a few days and she smiles. "I'm not suppose to do this, but you scored well on the tests a solid 5 out of 8 on the English portion."It made my day as I headed home, my mind racing as the question really hit home. Can you choose to just be happy?"

Yes you can, I made the choice a few years ago to be happy, and I'm grateful every day that I did to choose to be happy. Now how would I rewrite that essay.

Till next post

Be Well

Practice Test

Well there always comes a time when you have to stretch your weak spots, mine happens to be in english. 

The next days I need to write a placement test for university. This is my first one as practice please enjoy errors and all 

When you drop a few coins in the red kettle during the holiday seasons, have you ever thought you might be encouraging rampant bigotry? The salvation army does indeed help many in need, but only those that they feel deserve help. This is based on their views and evangelical beliefs. Should you happen to be gay, lesbian or transgendered and renounce what they consider to be an  un-healthy life style in the eyes of god.  You are cast out back into the cold. with out aid or support. 

As of 2010 the Salvation Army has assets totaling well over 12 billion dollars. It made 3.7 billion in total donations during the year world wide. It spent 2.6 billion for worldwide programs and another 191 million in fundraiser programs. They also spent close to 350 million in operating expenses, these operating expenses also included fee's paid for lobbying efforts in a number of countries world wide to promote their christian principles. 

Some of the programs they have spent included the use of reparative therapy on Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered  people. For those not familiar with this form of therapy, its main purpose is to try and convince a patient they are actually broken and can be cured. They often try to correct the problem with prayer and deep psychological conditioning, suppressing the biological desire the individual feels. This method has been widely discredited by many psychologist as being extremely harmful to the patient. Since the early 80's it has become widely accepted that homosexuality is a biological and natural occurrence in nature. Despite this some religious organizations still promote and practice this method, many without any psychological training. This is often called praying the gay away.

The Salvation Army has also spent millions of dollars in lobbying efforts to suppress any gay rights. This is not limited to just gay marriage but any legislation that promotes protection of their right to work, live or freely express themselves in peace and free of violence. In 2001 the Salvation army posted that it had a firm commitment from the Bush government that it would be shielded from any city or state legisitaltion barring discrimination of Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered individuals. This was struck down months later after an initial uproar. Again in 2004 they threatened to leave New York City all together if then Mayor Bloomberg enforced a new city bylaw forcing all groups with city contracts to pay benefits to all same sex couples and extended the same rights as hetrosexual couples. Recently in 2012 Maj. Andrew Craibe the spokesman for the Salvation Army in Australia went on a radio show and was quoted as saying "deserve to die" When pressed on the issue by they radio host who was gay he replied " You know, we have an alignment to the Scriptures, but that’s our belief."

Is this christian beliefs, or a twisted version that has been allowed to spread and not evolve as our society has grown and learned over the last 100 years.  Jesus set up a simple rule to just be good to one another and respect all life. To not judge anyone and allow god to make that final judgement. All of the funds that they gather come from donations worldwide, all those coins and dollars dumped in those red kettles fund a portion of hatred and bigotry that I truly believe contradicts the true teachings of Christ. So I ask you next year when you see these kettles across the country in a mall near you, can you give from the heart knowing what some of the funds are used for?