Emotional Turmoil

The last few weeks have been hard for me. I've been stressed over returning to school and the placement tests that I took on the 14th of August. I only needed to score over 40 on the placement test, and I was amazed last week to find out that I actually scored an 59. I did far better then I thought. YAY me !!!

The last few days have been rough, to the point of just wanting to curl up and hide. I know most of it is hormonal and its been amplified by the second anniversary of Medb moms passing. It hit me rather hard this year and I miss her so much. They say time will heal all wounds, and I know it's a matter of time and it will pass.

The last thing I have to do is get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate. This will require me to go back to Alberta and fight with vital statistics. While it sounds simple they have been known to be be real assholes about it. Kinda like a final kick after being beaten up really.

Tomorrow its another day and I'm hoping this mood shifts to something lighter.

Till next time ...

Be Well

60 Min .... Go

You know August 9th is a great day for me, and this year I got to add another reason to it. August 9th is Medb's birthday and also our anniversary. This year I had a few tests to take for placement and upgrading on my path back to school. I took my time to read all my comprehension questions and did very well on them. I did however get rattled on the essay part of the test.

I was under the assumption we could could pick a topic and write about it, boy was I wrong. I got a statement and then a question and asked to write my thoughts on the subject. It was like a blow to my gut.... then the clock ticked down from 60, to 59:59 on its slow march to 0. With that my mind went blank as I struggled with the subject. Can a person choose to be happy?  This subject should be easy enough for me. However I stared at it and struggled to write the first farking sentence, before I knew it we were staring at 49 minutes.

Panic set in and again I struggled to just get the main paragraph started...... 32 minutes and counting. Rewrite after rewrite, whole words coming and going and my brain screaming at me "Your going to fail here and now." 26 minutes I stood up got my water, took a sip and then just went back and breathed a few times. 22 minutes. Then the negativity stopped, my inner voice said "Shut the fuck up, you got this in Supergirl."

17 minutes and needing 2 more paragraphs and almost 150 words the thoughts form, and the words flow. I continue to read and reread the essay as I go. Making sure that my thought are collected as my brainworks faster then I can type, causing me to skip whole thoughts at times. 2 minutes and I hit the word counter and it flashes 364. Respectable since in 15 minutes I wrote almost 214 words. The teacher was suppose to give us suggestions at the 10 min mark and with less then a min left, I hit the submit button essay unseen and unchecked.

I felt sick after words, and when the instructor comes over I explain that there wasn't time for her to review it. I leave the room for a quick break before starting math. I felt proud that I didn't melt down and pull a Rimmer, writing I am a fish 400 times, before passing out during the exam. I finish up and go back to get my date for review of the tests. I explain why I'm doing the tests and that I will be doing the CLP in a few days and she smiles. "I'm not suppose to do this, but you scored well on the tests a solid 5 out of 8 on the English portion."It made my day as I headed home, my mind racing as the question really hit home. Can you choose to just be happy?"

Yes you can, I made the choice a few years ago to be happy, and I'm grateful every day that I did to choose to be happy. Now how would I rewrite that essay.

Till next post

Be Well

Practice Test

Well there always comes a time when you have to stretch your weak spots, mine happens to be in english. 

The next days I need to write a placement test for university. This is my first one as practice please enjoy errors and all 

When you drop a few coins in the red kettle during the holiday seasons, have you ever thought you might be encouraging rampant bigotry? The salvation army does indeed help many in need, but only those that they feel deserve help. This is based on their views and evangelical beliefs. Should you happen to be gay, lesbian or transgendered and renounce what they consider to be an  un-healthy life style in the eyes of god.  You are cast out back into the cold. with out aid or support. 

As of 2010 the Salvation Army has assets totaling well over 12 billion dollars. It made 3.7 billion in total donations during the year world wide. It spent 2.6 billion for worldwide programs and another 191 million in fundraiser programs. They also spent close to 350 million in operating expenses, these operating expenses also included fee's paid for lobbying efforts in a number of countries world wide to promote their christian principles. 

Some of the programs they have spent included the use of reparative therapy on Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered  people. For those not familiar with this form of therapy, its main purpose is to try and convince a patient they are actually broken and can be cured. They often try to correct the problem with prayer and deep psychological conditioning, suppressing the biological desire the individual feels. This method has been widely discredited by many psychologist as being extremely harmful to the patient. Since the early 80's it has become widely accepted that homosexuality is a biological and natural occurrence in nature. Despite this some religious organizations still promote and practice this method, many without any psychological training. This is often called praying the gay away.

The Salvation Army has also spent millions of dollars in lobbying efforts to suppress any gay rights. This is not limited to just gay marriage but any legislation that promotes protection of their right to work, live or freely express themselves in peace and free of violence. In 2001 the Salvation army posted that it had a firm commitment from the Bush government that it would be shielded from any city or state legisitaltion barring discrimination of Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered individuals. This was struck down months later after an initial uproar. Again in 2004 they threatened to leave New York City all together if then Mayor Bloomberg enforced a new city bylaw forcing all groups with city contracts to pay benefits to all same sex couples and extended the same rights as hetrosexual couples. Recently in 2012 Maj. Andrew Craibe the spokesman for the Salvation Army in Australia went on a radio show and was quoted as saying "deserve to die" When pressed on the issue by they radio host who was gay he replied " You know, we have an alignment to the Scriptures, but that’s our belief."

Is this christian beliefs, or a twisted version that has been allowed to spread and not evolve as our society has grown and learned over the last 100 years.  Jesus set up a simple rule to just be good to one another and respect all life. To not judge anyone and allow god to make that final judgement. All of the funds that they gather come from donations worldwide, all those coins and dollars dumped in those red kettles fund a portion of hatred and bigotry that I truly believe contradicts the true teachings of Christ. So I ask you next year when you see these kettles across the country in a mall near you, can you give from the heart knowing what some of the funds are used for?

The Work Out

The pain started last night on the thirty fifth ab crunch of the third set and it kept going from there.  The pain felt refreshing a sense of accomplishment. It had been almost a year since the last real work out and for the first time since the surgery it felt great. I know I’ve been doing light wii stuff in the past, but this was different. This was the feeling of wearing yourself out, not your body not allowing you to do the crunch, or lifting that weight.

All my life I’ve battled my weight and for a number of years I didn’t know why. Since I came out almost 8 years ago I was staring 300 pounds in the face. I started a regimen of running for thirty minutes on the tread mill and then a 20 min pilates  routine. In 2 years I was down to 230 and it stuck there for a few more years. Once I started transitioning I again started to lose more weight dropping down to 180 and it’s stayed there since the surgery.

The last 10 months I’ve added about 10 pounds and I’ve had enough. My muscles are almost non-existent thanks to the spiro. The estrogen has kept adding weight and my lack of energy and focus haven’t helped either. My goal is to be between 140 -150 pds by January. That’s a 40 pound loss on my frame and I will succeed on my goal. I’ve watched Medb lose close to 50 pounds over the last 7 months just by watching what she eats and a limited calorie intake. If she can so can I.

Today was great a 20 minute run on the treadmill, 10 min on weights and abs and 10 minutes on the cycle. The result was a lot of sweat, twitching muscles and a drop in blood sugar that I could feel. Tomorrow will be more of the same and in the coming week we will have to add swimming to that list.  I feel so good today because it’s one more step to feeling normal.

Till Next Time
Be Well