Then and To Come

As this year comes to a close it's given me time to reflect on this challenging year, and time to look forward to the new year. I had a number of struggles this year with work and found myself having a hard time going back to the daily grind. I did until I finally called a break in July and quit Glentel. I went out on a high note helping the manager while he was away with the store and I went out on my terms. Since then I've been on an extended vacation taking the time to learn about myself and where my next chapter in life comes from.

I enrolled in school and challenged the English requirement and aced it, as well I completed two upgrade courses during the semester earning me 3 university credits, with an A- to boot. I started to get my store up and running and we bought a house and started to settle into it. It's a weird feeling fro sure knowing we are setting down roots for awhile. I watched both my sons grow this year as well, and its a good sign to watch them start growing.

I grew closer with several friends and made some new ones, its an odd feeling to have them like me for me .... I never really had that before in my life. Medb was the exception I look at her and can say in my life I've known true love and will always love her for sharing that gift with me. I had a very close friend come up and help me when i really needed the help, she was with me in Montreal to and she has never asked for anything in return. I can't wait to see her again in March :)

I also broke down and got a puppy, hes a yappy little thing but he adores me. It's a weird feeling to have I guess I'm use to kittens and cats lol. I wouldn't trade my wookie for the world.

I had my share of setbacks as well this year, I'm still fighting my fear of sexuality and looking for my own form of identity. I tend to hide still behind walls and tshirts. But I'm still fighting so its a good thing.

For the coming year I'm going to work hard at school so I can start my bachelors of arts program in Psychology I need three courses with a B average. I want to make my business self sufficient, and turn a profit. I want to be a better daughter and get closer to my mom when she gets down here. I want to have a chance to create many new memories ......

Most important is to share every new day with my Angel and grow with her step by step as she makes me a better woman.....

Till the new year and my next post

Be Well and Live your life like you want to !!!

A New Transition

As I walked out of the University yesterday, I can feel the start of a new direction in my life. A transition from a worker to a student and from there something more. A change for the better, I'm sure, but a well over due transition of growth. University, even sitting her typing it feels surreal to be honest. All my life I've always said I was not good enough, not smart enough for this step. To be honest I wasn't, I was to busy fighting myself and making excuses to focus on the potential I'm capable of.

I know now that I can accomplish this and in ten years I will have my doctorate. I just don't know the type of woman I will be at the end of it. I won't be the same because one major aspect of school will be the experience of meeting new people and trying new things.  A student... something I haven't done since I left school at 14.....   How stupid I was, I let the bullies win back then and slept a year of my life away in a depression of my own making.

Now forty and four years since making a change in my life I'm going to get a chance to grow and just be me... remind me of a line from a song  .... I just wanted you to know I've changed my life from negative to positive.

As the month starts I'll be updating my blog on a more regular basis.

Till then


Be Well

October Change

A year and a bit passes by and so much change, so much at times I can't seem to catch up. I will first say that I loved the month of October, it was great to me. While I had some small successes with school scoring my first A in College for 062... even if it was an A- it proved to me that I can do this all the way to my doctorate. I had a great run in movies, and the biggest event was the fact Medb and I are home owners again.  We took possession on the 24th of October and had our new furniture delivered. It didn't really seem real to tell you the truth, but its hard to argure when you can feel and touch it :). 

We also had Jen come up from North Carolina and help us settle in. You can tell who your friends are when they help you move lol.... I owe her a lot, with out her I don't think the move would have gone as smoothly as it did. She made it easy and from the time she arrived to the time she left made it easy for me. I truly appreciate that and she has my gratitude and respect. So much so if she moves I'll have to go help her :)

We have a new addition to our fur kids, a very well mannered and awesome Shih Tzsu named M'Lady. Medb had been looking for a dog that can help with her Agoraphobia, and she does help her a lot. In the last few years I haven't seen her so calm. I will also be getting my puppie but not till the end of November ... another Shih Tzsu that I've named wookie ... hes adorable and I will post a picture soon. 

As for the rest of everything I still feel lost, I have my own room in the house and to be truthful I have no idea  what to do with it. Will it be geeky   yeah.... but I want it to represent more of me. I just don't know how it will. There still a lot of work to do and we are not fully moved but I will have that done by the end of the weekend. 

Till my next post 

Be Well

Jys

My First Car

I can remember the day like yesterday, a nice warm spring day and I had just passed my drivers test. With license in hand and the keys to my car I was ready for freedom .... awww 17 and a ford pinto .... those were the days.  I wish I could say I was a care free teenager .... I would be lying, at 17 I was running a buisness, working a part time job and helping my mom look after foster children.

Today I got to see several amazing things. I got to see my eldest son get his first car, a 1997 Mustang the same year and model as my mustang was. We had gone out and he was set on a practical reliable automobile. Theres nothing wrong with that and I can respect that, but this is the boys first car and with that comes some powerful memories. This is his first taste of true freedom, his adult life is starting and as we test drove the car I got to see something rare. I watched as he punched the acceleration  the smile creep across his lips and a laugh. I watched him cut loose a little and as I turned up the radio he settled in and fell in love with his car.

I saw him trade practical for something he will enjoy for many years to come, the car he got will be great for him.... Good gas milage and a safe riding car. He has most of the toys and I think will let him grows in ways he has never considered. Soon it will be his brothers turn and he will have exactly what his brother got, its only fair after all. While my life never went the way I thought it would, or as I wished it would I'm blessed to have two very special sons and an awesome grand daughter. One day when I'll see my grand daughter in her first car and maybe  just maybe I'll see that smile across her lips.... only time will tell


Till next post be well

Jys

Yoga Apparently

As I laid on the mat tonight resting after a yoga work out, I felt my mind drifting, as a question was finally answered. Where would I be one year from now? The time was 11pm EST and a year ago I was in Montreal the night before surgery. Medb and Jen had gone home for the night and would see me around 11 am when I was suppose to be going into surgery. I tried to sleep as it is my escape and sleep didn't really come.  Every few hours they would come check my blood sugar and shoot me with insulin. My levels wouldn't drop.

What sleep I could was broken and filled with night terrors and nurses. It was just short of 6am and they tossed me a gown and slippers telling me I would be prepping for surgery in an hour. Shock and fear hit me all at once because Medb wouldn't be there to see me off. I couldn't say to her I love you one last time before I went up. What if I didn't come out of surgery ok.  For me it was a frighting time ... not the surgery but the unknown. Even today I say I love you way to much... I think because I want her to know if something happened to me.

As they fetched me I kept thinking of the things I haven't done in my life, what I wanted to change and who I want in my life. The hour sped by and even as they stuck the needle in my back I kept trying to think of any reason to stop.... I couldn't.  As i was falling asleep I warned the Doctor to make sure I survive or he wouldn't due to my shield maidens downstairs. The next thing I knew I was being awakened and struggling to fight the sedatives in my body.  I knew she was downstairs and most likely feeding off some adrenalin.

I remember when they brought Rachel down she was bouncing all over the place and wide awake, I could barely sit up .... As the Elevator opened I could hear her and Jen in the main room and she was at my side  very grey and with the best smile I could manage I gave her a smile saying I would be ok and I was ok... the look on her face said everything......

She is my Angel and will always be my best friend and she brings out the best in me, she keeps a lot of me in check.

I got to say those words to her I love you.... And a year later as I laid on the mat I knew I made the right choice and have a direction to grow in. Where will I be next year I don't know, I'll find out and who know I might just tell you all.

Till next post

Be Well

Jyslin

Hiding

The last few months I've been hiding more from myself by resuming some game playing. I know that for some you would say thats ok.... for me its not really. Its a form of escape and a tool to not deal with my own issues and fears. I know because I've done it since I first picked up a paddle and started shooting asteroids or playing pong.  What can I have to hide from right now, mostly myself and my sexuality. I fear it plain and simple.

Sometimes it easier to just pick up a paddle and play a game or waste a few hours exploring GW2 but its just hurting myself even more. So over the next few months I need to dial it way back and try to find my center again and get back on track. Easier said then done really lol.

The next few weeks have a lot going on, the move and the end of early term with school. A friend from the US is coming up to see Medb and myself and I'm excited. We get to unpack the storage locker  wheeee and prep for renovations. My mom will be moving into our lower suite in a few months so I will have to seee how that goes.

Tonight I'm stressed even if I did do some exploring today and ditched school.... So I will play for a few hours while my meds kick in. Tomorrow is another story though, its will be the day I start packing and deliver a gift to a dear friend I will also try to organize my bushiness and write the proposal that's rolling around in my head.for the last few months.

The question still remains what kind of girl am I and who do I want to be..... some days I miss child hood... some days I don't

Be Well

Days Like These

I don't like these kind of days I tend to get from time to time. It's not the moodiness, the temper or being on the verge of tears all day that other me. I expect those as being female and a result of the hormones. It feels natural really if not a bit bothersome. What gets me is when I really start to pick at my own psychological make up and wonder sometimes how badly I really did damage myself ? How can I mend it, and is it really broken.

I accept the fact I did a lot of this to myself. I chose to hide and pretend nothing was wrong and in doing so I did my self a disservice. I didn't really allow myself to grow, I just lied to myself and said everything was fine. The last few days I've been quite and letting the committee do a number on me, sometimes I think I deserve it... even if the logical side of me says I don't. Sometimes you just can't reason with crazy, you just go with it and hope you make sense of it. 

Today I found myself watching the students in the break area chatting and socializing, the guys were going on about phones and tech and the girls were all over the place. While I listened to them I found out that I couldn't really fit in with any of them. This triggered a feeling of being alone, not in a physical sense but a psychological sense. I wondered how many of them could tear themselves a part and try to live a completely different life. Would they want to, how would they cope and would they be treated any differently by society.

A few days ago I had a mini identity attack because I was having trouble trying to figure out why I'm so scared of my sexuality, why I can't tackle it and why other girls are so excited to try out there equipment. Yet in my case I get scared of the thought and again whats wrong with me.

It's also brought a new trait to me, being judgmental and over the last several months its gotten stronger. It's not a trait I like but I have it and I will have to do my best to lose it. It's all part of working on myself to try and repair some of the damage I self inflicted.... it will all take time and effort but it will come. 

Till my next post 

Be Well

Grown up Talk

There always comes a time when your children seem to go from one extream to another.  Then there are times when your children grow up and you hear the words .... I really screwed up and I need to grow up. On my grand daughters second birthday I got to have a good talk with my youngest. His tone has changed for the better and seems to have grown up a lot faster then I believed he would. In my case I didn't have much to do with it, that belongs to life it self as it really is a hard bitch.

I have hope from him that in his future he will be more successful due to the harsh lessons he has learned. I also got a chance to to hear how I had helped him in the past by freaking out on him when I found out he tried to self cut himself. I never realized that I had done it at the time. I give him the credit as he is the one with the internal strength to overcome it.

He is raising a beautiful little girl and I hope he will continue his self improvement over the coming years. I think he will and I know if he can get his education he will go anywhere in life he chose's to do. He did make a statement that he is looking forward to moving to the coast here to find work or education. I really hope it does, it will allow me to be closer to him and his girlfriend and my grand daughter. Maybe I can help guide him a little but I think the most important is I can get to know the man he is becoming and become closer to him then I was raising him.

The last few weeks have been so busy but to give you a preview, we bought a house, I got a wookie and we are shopping for furniture... yay no more storage locker :).

Till next post

Be Well

What I did on my Summer Vacation

The weight of the back pack hangs on my shoulder as I walk to the bookstore on campus. Strange how it sounds coming from me, 40 years old and I'm getting ready to enter university in the winter. I reflect back on  the past few months on all I accomplished on my summer vacation. I learned a few things about myself and took Ferris Buellers advise, I stopped and looked around a lot and found out how much I've missed in life, and going forwards I'm not going to go back to the way I was, I"m going to go into another transition lol So what did I do all summer ...... They are in no particular order

1) I relaxed and played some games on the computer lol ....Gotham City Impostors and later Guild Wars 2

2)I spent a lot of time with the love my life waking up next to her and just enjoyed her calming energy.

3)I went back to Alberta and fought with the government to change my gender marker

4)I read more and prepared for admittance and placement exams for university

5)I went to Vegas and for the first time in my live I got drunk

6)I hung out with some friends and enjoyed there friendship

7)I layed out the ground work for a start of a new buisness

8)I watched a lot of movies

9)I found the strength inside myself to become a better person

10) I signed up for some personal developmental classes

11)I vowed to conquer my fear of my own sexuality

12) I learned to relax and have fun

13)I celebrated my 14th anniversary with Medb

Tomorrow I again will hit the books and try to conquer math but I will do it with a smile and be grateful that I'm happy with who I am becoming. Allowing this girl to live life and make it what she wants it to be.... I love transitions.

Till my next post 

Be Well

Emotional Turmoil

The last few weeks have been hard for me. I've been stressed over returning to school and the placement tests that I took on the 14th of August. I only needed to score over 40 on the placement test, and I was amazed last week to find out that I actually scored an 59. I did far better then I thought. YAY me !!!

The last few days have been rough, to the point of just wanting to curl up and hide. I know most of it is hormonal and its been amplified by the second anniversary of Medb moms passing. It hit me rather hard this year and I miss her so much. They say time will heal all wounds, and I know it's a matter of time and it will pass.

The last thing I have to do is get my gender marker changed on my birth certificate. This will require me to go back to Alberta and fight with vital statistics. While it sounds simple they have been known to be be real assholes about it. Kinda like a final kick after being beaten up really.

Tomorrow its another day and I'm hoping this mood shifts to something lighter.

Till next time ...

Be Well

60 Min .... Go

You know August 9th is a great day for me, and this year I got to add another reason to it. August 9th is Medb's birthday and also our anniversary. This year I had a few tests to take for placement and upgrading on my path back to school. I took my time to read all my comprehension questions and did very well on them. I did however get rattled on the essay part of the test.

I was under the assumption we could could pick a topic and write about it, boy was I wrong. I got a statement and then a question and asked to write my thoughts on the subject. It was like a blow to my gut.... then the clock ticked down from 60, to 59:59 on its slow march to 0. With that my mind went blank as I struggled with the subject. Can a person choose to be happy?  This subject should be easy enough for me. However I stared at it and struggled to write the first farking sentence, before I knew it we were staring at 49 minutes.

Panic set in and again I struggled to just get the main paragraph started...... 32 minutes and counting. Rewrite after rewrite, whole words coming and going and my brain screaming at me "Your going to fail here and now." 26 minutes I stood up got my water, took a sip and then just went back and breathed a few times. 22 minutes. Then the negativity stopped, my inner voice said "Shut the fuck up, you got this in Supergirl."

17 minutes and needing 2 more paragraphs and almost 150 words the thoughts form, and the words flow. I continue to read and reread the essay as I go. Making sure that my thought are collected as my brainworks faster then I can type, causing me to skip whole thoughts at times. 2 minutes and I hit the word counter and it flashes 364. Respectable since in 15 minutes I wrote almost 214 words. The teacher was suppose to give us suggestions at the 10 min mark and with less then a min left, I hit the submit button essay unseen and unchecked.

I felt sick after words, and when the instructor comes over I explain that there wasn't time for her to review it. I leave the room for a quick break before starting math. I felt proud that I didn't melt down and pull a Rimmer, writing I am a fish 400 times, before passing out during the exam. I finish up and go back to get my date for review of the tests. I explain why I'm doing the tests and that I will be doing the CLP in a few days and she smiles. "I'm not suppose to do this, but you scored well on the tests a solid 5 out of 8 on the English portion."It made my day as I headed home, my mind racing as the question really hit home. Can you choose to just be happy?"

Yes you can, I made the choice a few years ago to be happy, and I'm grateful every day that I did to choose to be happy. Now how would I rewrite that essay.

Till next post

Be Well

Practice Test

Well there always comes a time when you have to stretch your weak spots, mine happens to be in english. 

The next days I need to write a placement test for university. This is my first one as practice please enjoy errors and all 

When you drop a few coins in the red kettle during the holiday seasons, have you ever thought you might be encouraging rampant bigotry? The salvation army does indeed help many in need, but only those that they feel deserve help. This is based on their views and evangelical beliefs. Should you happen to be gay, lesbian or transgendered and renounce what they consider to be an  un-healthy life style in the eyes of god.  You are cast out back into the cold. with out aid or support. 

As of 2010 the Salvation Army has assets totaling well over 12 billion dollars. It made 3.7 billion in total donations during the year world wide. It spent 2.6 billion for worldwide programs and another 191 million in fundraiser programs. They also spent close to 350 million in operating expenses, these operating expenses also included fee's paid for lobbying efforts in a number of countries world wide to promote their christian principles. 

Some of the programs they have spent included the use of reparative therapy on Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered  people. For those not familiar with this form of therapy, its main purpose is to try and convince a patient they are actually broken and can be cured. They often try to correct the problem with prayer and deep psychological conditioning, suppressing the biological desire the individual feels. This method has been widely discredited by many psychologist as being extremely harmful to the patient. Since the early 80's it has become widely accepted that homosexuality is a biological and natural occurrence in nature. Despite this some religious organizations still promote and practice this method, many without any psychological training. This is often called praying the gay away.

The Salvation Army has also spent millions of dollars in lobbying efforts to suppress any gay rights. This is not limited to just gay marriage but any legislation that promotes protection of their right to work, live or freely express themselves in peace and free of violence. In 2001 the Salvation army posted that it had a firm commitment from the Bush government that it would be shielded from any city or state legisitaltion barring discrimination of Gay, Lesbian or Transgendered individuals. This was struck down months later after an initial uproar. Again in 2004 they threatened to leave New York City all together if then Mayor Bloomberg enforced a new city bylaw forcing all groups with city contracts to pay benefits to all same sex couples and extended the same rights as hetrosexual couples. Recently in 2012 Maj. Andrew Craibe the spokesman for the Salvation Army in Australia went on a radio show and was quoted as saying "deserve to die" When pressed on the issue by they radio host who was gay he replied " You know, we have an alignment to the Scriptures, but that’s our belief."

Is this christian beliefs, or a twisted version that has been allowed to spread and not evolve as our society has grown and learned over the last 100 years.  Jesus set up a simple rule to just be good to one another and respect all life. To not judge anyone and allow god to make that final judgement. All of the funds that they gather come from donations worldwide, all those coins and dollars dumped in those red kettles fund a portion of hatred and bigotry that I truly believe contradicts the true teachings of Christ. So I ask you next year when you see these kettles across the country in a mall near you, can you give from the heart knowing what some of the funds are used for?

The Work Out

The pain started last night on the thirty fifth ab crunch of the third set and it kept going from there.  The pain felt refreshing a sense of accomplishment. It had been almost a year since the last real work out and for the first time since the surgery it felt great. I know I’ve been doing light wii stuff in the past, but this was different. This was the feeling of wearing yourself out, not your body not allowing you to do the crunch, or lifting that weight.

All my life I’ve battled my weight and for a number of years I didn’t know why. Since I came out almost 8 years ago I was staring 300 pounds in the face. I started a regimen of running for thirty minutes on the tread mill and then a 20 min pilates  routine. In 2 years I was down to 230 and it stuck there for a few more years. Once I started transitioning I again started to lose more weight dropping down to 180 and it’s stayed there since the surgery.

The last 10 months I’ve added about 10 pounds and I’ve had enough. My muscles are almost non-existent thanks to the spiro. The estrogen has kept adding weight and my lack of energy and focus haven’t helped either. My goal is to be between 140 -150 pds by January. That’s a 40 pound loss on my frame and I will succeed on my goal. I’ve watched Medb lose close to 50 pounds over the last 7 months just by watching what she eats and a limited calorie intake. If she can so can I.

Today was great a 20 minute run on the treadmill, 10 min on weights and abs and 10 minutes on the cycle. The result was a lot of sweat, twitching muscles and a drop in blood sugar that I could feel. Tomorrow will be more of the same and in the coming week we will have to add swimming to that list.  I feel so good today because it’s one more step to feeling normal.

Till Next Time
Be Well

If You Take The Name ....

I’ve worked retail far too long in my life almost 20 plus years since I was 12. It’s a good entry level job but for a living forget it.  Tonight I went out to get Medb some medication to help her sleep. While I was standing in line I witnessed an East Indian gentleman in a thick accent berate the clerk for refusing to refund an item they no longer carried in stock at their location. She was also of East Indian descent and was very polite offering him a few solutions. He was not accepting of her explanations, and demanded to see her manager or another male. To her credit she remained calm and again said there was no manager on staff, it was 10:30pm after all.

As he became more vocal I found myself unable to tolerate his attitude and I spoke up in a rather loud tone. The conversation started with me saying “I think you need to re attend English again as she has said a number of times why she can’t refund your item.” His attention turned on me and the rage in his eyes spoke volumes. He couldn’t believe that a woman had challenged him and as he became more vocal towards me I just kept it up. I followed the first comment with “ You know that in Canada we have equal rights and while I respect your right to practice your religion, you have no right to belittle her or me. Feel free to return to whatever country you came from if you can’t respect that. “  This only got him madder and he raised a hand and to his shock I clenched a fist and said “If you want to go fine, but you’re going to go home and tell your wife a woman kicked your ass !”

He was a smaller guy and I had to practice my best roleplaying face and locked eyes with him, and he blinked cursing and leaving the store. We had attracted some attention from other shoppers and they didn’t really know what to say. I got a pat on the back from a gentleman behind me who stated had he even tried he was going to pull me aside and deck him. For the cashier she had a smile on her face and a big thank you. I gave her a business card in case he complained the next day. I said I would back her up and tell the truth on how she handled the situation.

Tonight just points out that for the most part I’m done with the retail world unless I start my own venture in the future. I guess I’m like my mom in some ways, able to stand up for others over myself. Did I enjoy it? Not at all, but if I wear the S and took the name Kara it only makes it right.

Till Next Post
Be Well
Jys

Who Am I .... 1 Year Later

One year ago I sat down and started a blog called All About Me, and the first subject I tackled was Who Am I. I posted all my qualities good and bad and asked myself what kind of person I wanted to become. To be honest the jury is still out on that one. I’ve worked hard over this year to rid myself of some self-destructive traits. To become more positive about myself and the person I am becoming as I deal with repression issues. I’ve made a number of positive steps and I’ll say this blog has helped me by allowing me to be open about myself and my issues.

This year has brought a number of changes in a very short time. I’ve learned to stop being so competitive in the sales force and started helping others on the floor.  I faced my surgery with dignity and found strength during the recovery process. I met new people and made new friends and I’ve learned the difference of true friendships. I’ve grown up a lot and in some ways I’m still like a teenager at times. I’ve learned that I won’t allow others to have power over me, I’m my own woman and I have my own strength.

This year saw me travel a few times to Vegas, Minnesota and once to Toronto all with no interference. I’ve started the seeds to a few potential business ideas. I quit Glentel after a 5 year stint and went on summer vacation. I learned that I will not become an alcoholic as most of my family has become.  The biggest change came just this week as I enrolled in university for my next 10 year venture, a doctorate in psychology. 

I’ve become more confident and sure of myself and in small ways I’m embracing my sexuality and playing with sensuality in some ways. I didn’t run while in Vegas and was able to accept compliments on my appearance. I’ve still kept my protective and vindictive streak, something I will never lose. I know my artistic side is dying to come out as well as my curious side. I’m excited to be attending school again and doing my best to not get overwhelmed by it all. Just take it one small step at a time and like the past 4 years when I look back I’ll be amazed at the progress I’ve made.

What do I look forward to in the coming year? To see if I can make my business work and allow me some free money. To grow as a make-up artist and in my free time allowing my creativity to shine. I want to spend more time with family and friends and strengthen relationships.  To not be so stressed all the time and focused on things I can’t control.  Most important is to take time and educate myself and truly enjoy the university experience. 

Live life like you want to, live it to the fullest and enjoy every moment. Because if you don’t you will lose the most precious gift that you will ever have. Laugh as often as you can and share it with as many as you can and be good to those you meet on the road of life. 

I look forward to the next year and the next 100 posts, till next time ….

Be Well 

Jyslin

Then I got a Number

.... Well its official I'm now a school girl, enrolled in UFV with tests to start in August to see where my skills are. No matter the results I will be starting upgrading classes in September so I can get in the swing of going to class. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I have my doubt's if I should be in university, however its just my own security playing old tricks on me.

It's my time to grow and challenge myself, to put the brains to work and see how far I can get. I won't be alone as Medb is also enrolled at the same school. How will it go ? Only time will tell and the effort I put into the course. I already know the path I wish to follow in Psychology, but I need to keep all my options open as my tastes may change during the course load.

For now I'm going to just be happy that I'll be on a school campus instead of a mall. I'm working for my own future and my own destiny. This is my time and my road and I know in 10 years to the kids I plan to help it will be Dr.Jys :)

Okie till next post

Be Well

The Girl Comes Out

This trip to Vegas was more then a business trip to me. It was about stretching my wings, doing and dressing in ways that were not normal. They were a chance to let loose and stop hiding behind excuses. I danced, I joked, I drank and I got sunburned.

I got to spend one on one time with several friends. I got to watch a friend face her own fears and follow my lead and cut loose. I sang and laughed with a close group of friends and had a few moments of yeah I really said that.

What will I take away from this weekend? I can be whatever I want to be and not be afraid to experience things as they come. letting go sometimes is the best method because the experience can be awesome.

Be Well

Jys

     

Cutting Loose

For 40 years I have said I've never been drunk. I've been able to exert so much control on myself that it's bordering on stupid. Last night I went put and just cut loose allowing myself to go beyond a buzz.

When I woke this morning a lot of question were answered and I'm not afraid. Most of my family are alcoholics and I've been afraid to succumb to that problem. Now feeling the effects of it I know I'm not like my father. I'm a happy person not abusive like he was. I'm funny and cute and relaxed.

It was a great night with a very close friend. Will I go repeat tonight ... Not at all but I won't be afraid to take a drink, or just stop with one if I want more.

Till next post

Be Well

The First Step ....

Last week I made an appointment at the University of the Fraser Valley to see a student adviser. Today I took my first step in knowing what I need to do to get my BSA in Psychology.  I'll need to take a test to establish my English skills, provided I do well I can skip the upgrading program and register for classes January 2013. If I need to do the upgrade classes then I'll be going to classes in Sept ...... Wheee I'm gonna be a schoolgirl. LOL

For me this is a huge step and a scary one, I Quit school a long time ago and entered the work force, mostly to hide and not face the fact I didn't want to be a guy. Grade 8 was rough on me, along with the confusion of my feelings and the constant bullying I just couldn't go back. I ended up doing home schooling for a few years, then went to work and thought I knew better then everyone. The old adage to smart for my own good does really fit me well. 

Back in 2005 I did attend Blanche MacDonald for special effect artistry and did well over the year. I enjoyed the classroom and completed the courses with a B average. Then went back to work to make sure Medb had stability. Coming out in 2008 was the turning point in my life and now that I've come to terms with myself I know what I want in life. I want to go to school and learn, to call my own shots and help others come to terms with themselves and hopefully help before they hurt themselves to badly.

So now we wait till next week and then OMG regardless I'm going to be a schoolgirl. I'm going to be a university graduate  and I'll have to tell my mom she was right she said I would be 40 before this happened.

Till next time 

Be Well  

Then It Was Done

I glanced at the clock last Saturday and it read 5:02pm and every few minutes the clock would move a bit. Time was moving like the last hour before summer vacation , and for me it really was.  The last hour crept along as i tried to keep myself busy, and then it was all over. Cash counted, phones recorded and my keys turned over to Prabh, I was done with Glentel and cell phones forever. Two long five year tour of duties came to a close. 


The question is now what .......  SUMMER VACATION !!!!!! and why not I've been working full time now for over 28 years of my life and really I'm burnt out. As Ferris said " If you don't stop and look around once in awhile you'll miss it. "  It's time to relax and just be for a bit before my next chapter in my life. The first few days were a shock but Medb has made them special.  Sushi one day with coldstones right after, cooking dinner for the family and I even managed to decorate my comic room on imvu. 


Today was the day that means the most to me. At 3:00pm I stood at student services at the University of the Fraser Valley and got an appointment to start my education... July 17th at 1:30pm will set my checklist and start me down the path towards my doctorate in psychology.

What else does my summer include ..... A trip to Vegas next week for cosmoproof and setting up the make up line. a lot of time with Medb and just being free and a trip back to Alberta to take care of my birth certificate, Other then that not a whole lot, but I'm going to savor the full 8 weeks and just enjoy life. Get to know myself and enjoy everything life has to offer.

Thank you Angel

till next time

Be Well

Happy Busted Day

July 1st 2000 changed my life in ways I couldn't comprehend all over a sleeping bag. That day was the day I stopped hiding. I had been with Medb for almost 2 years. I had managed to keep my crossdressing under control for more then two years, but I was losing control and pushing her away to keep her protected from myself and what I had felt was a horrible cross to bear.  We were having trouble and she was going up to whistler with her mom and the kids,. I had taken the time to dress trying to relive the pent up frustration I was having not being able to express myself. I had taken the day off early gone home and unpacked a hidden box of clothes i had kept for the past two years. I was reading something in the computer room when I heard someone trying to open the door to the house. I had taken precautions and locked the door out of fear of being found out. Didn't matter we lived in the country. When I looked out I saw her car and the banging was getting louder. I bolted for the upstairs bedroom where I had gotten dressed as she started to get into the house.

The sound of heels on tile alerted as she entered the house she came to the same room where I was the door locked my body weight pushed against it. She hit it so hard she broke the door frame and I just managed to get out of what ever I was wearing and into my pants and top. My heart was racing like a jack rabbit, she stormed past me looking thru the room and out the window. Then thru the house and it gave me a few moment to try and remove the deep stain of lipstick. At that moment I knew it was all over, those few  moments i tried to carve out of my life and just feel normal had done me in. It was only a matter of time, before she had figured it out, so what did I do ? I  tried to cover it up acting as there was nothing wrong.
She swore there was another woman but there wasn't one. We went out to get her gas and the sleeping bag and I was trying to act macho and say no love I'll get it because I'm your boyfriend right.

We came back to the house to drop me off and were talking when she touched my cheek and looked at me deeply and asked said you know that shade doesn't suit you. I told her everything and she listened unfortunately she had to get back but would call me later..... That was the start of my second birthday, my female one lol and It went on till 2008 each year Medb would make it special and we would celebrate my day of freedom. I've grown a lot over the last decade and walked paths and experienced things no one should but I wouldn't change it for the world. That day started me down a road that led to being able to just be. To be truthful to myself and allow me to open up and share with others. In return I've been blessed with my best friend in the world and I cherish her so much. I've met a ton of new folks and I've just been allowed to be instead of a few hours here and there.

I don't need busted day anymore, but I will always enjoy it and cherish the day.

Till next post

Be Well

Changing

I remember far to many nights my mom coming home at 11 PM agree after working since 6 AM. At times I would help her into bed, get her some toast with peanut butter and watch her collapse. I was 8 at the time barely old enough to understand why Mike would stay home all day, and when he was home he slept a lot. It was the early 80's times were tough but my mom kept us a float, I watched her work 3 to 4 jobs at a time and when she left the acreage with me she kept up the pace. My mom always believed you work hard you would succeed. Do what you love the money will follow.

I started working at 10 helping my mom at the record store, stocking shelves and watching for shoplifters. I them went on delivering newspapers and selling subscriptions, and all the way since then I've worked hard and at times multiple jobs. I'm a work O holic and if I don't have a way if making cash and feeling self diffident, providing for the family I start to come unglued. A lifetime of letting a bad habit rule me, I've missed a great many things because of it.

With things having been taken care of, I have a chance to truly change. A chance to have a summer vacation. A chance to really make the effort to rid myself of a bad trait and make a positive change for the better. Will it work? I don't know that will have to be my choice, only time will tell.

Be Well

Change in a Heartbeat

It's amazing how a few moments can change your life. Sometimes its a few words, others its actions and sometimes its just a pure accident. Tonight was one of those moments and it caused me to take a few minutes to analyze what can I really do. We had gone to the Nickelback Concert that we had paid for way back in November when they first announced they were coming. We go to the arena early and lined up for a vip passes. Once we entered we were taken up to the lounge area and we waited to get access to the floor. Now I have been to a few concerts and floor they usually have seat and assigned seating. Well these were GA tickets or in a nutshell General Admittance so first come first serve... no chairs so you move from your spot you loses it. Well we managed to stake out spots right by the front and we proceeded to stand for hours going thru two of the opening acts...... it was at the end of Seather that I first saw it..... Medb had gone a very white colour and she was struggling for air and to stay conscious. She summoned one of the security for first aid and in a few minutes she was being lifted over the gates. First Aid was on the scene and after a brief examination she was being taken to the office.

It's right there that I felt helpless, I couldn't do a damn thing, other patrons who had witnessed her being lifted over filled into her spot to hold it.  I must have looked like a lost deer at that moment not able to help, not sure what to do.... and in those few moments you start thinking about whats truly important. The security officer saw me and knew before I had to say it I needed to leave. Up and over the gate I went and I was on Medbs tail under a minute after she got up to the second level.  All awhile my mind is racing and the need to protect and heal are banging in my head and spirit.I quickly located her at the office and when they opened the door i could see her sitting sipping cold water and getting cool air. a feint smile on her face as I entered to sit with her and make sure she was ok.

The emergency was over just a combination of over heating, dehydration and needing some fluids and she was right as rain. For me I could breathe easier and I didn't care about the concert. With outstanding service we were given seat for the remaining concert, the rest of the night was something :).

This brought me to start thinking about my own personality, how I react around Medb when we are together and when I'm alone. Medb brought p the fact that I am a switch,  something my friend Jen had pointed out to Medb in Montreal. When I'm alone I tend to be more female and tend to be a bit more submissive, I allow more feminine characteristics and reactions and behave very different. When I;m with Medb I'm far more dominate, protective and aggressive and I display far more male characteristics. I saw and felt in full force tonight and you know what theres nothing wrong with that, It's just the way it is and in no way makes me any less female. 

It's just who I am ...... 

On a side note during all of this while we were on the floor there was a guy standing behind Medb and close to me. I caught him him smiling at me several times and looking away. He was paying me a compliment but in my head my thoughts were like you are so barking up the wrong tree ... Why did I do that, because I had already judged him against my own feeling about men. One that is unfair because I am judging him on a number of bad apples .... not for what I should be judging him on, his personality and who he is not what he is. It's something that I need to get a hold of soon.

Be Well 

What's Important

The last year has flown by faster then I can believe ... A year ago I had arrived with our cats, a load of stuff and we were about to get our own place. Things are a bit better on some fronts, on others it's still a waiting game.

The important things in my life thou are taking shape. My relationship with Medb is stronger and has grown so much over the last 4 years. My surgery was successful and mostly free of complications. I've made some healthy friendships that will last me a life time. Most importantly I've lived free and won't go back to being unhappy.

Some say you can't have it all .... but shouldn't it be you can have happiness. It's taken me a long time to sort things out ... but I'm a lucky girl because I have myself, my freedom and my future.

It's not the amount of years you live, but the quality of the years you live.  --- Gabriel Ingelasis

Be well

Stepping out of the comfort zone

For to long now I've stayed in a comfort zone. One I've known all my life, in the shadows, in the back ground and for many years living a life I thought society wanted of me.
The last few years I've still done that by wearing minimal make up, plain hairstyles and clothing that covers up everything. It makes me feel safe, and it's another box really. Just another way to stay in the shallow end of the pool.
The voice I've heard all my life screaming at me that this is wrong, started screaming awhile ago when I looked in the mirror. Not just about my.style, but about my health, weight,job and lack of direction. So I'm taking steps to listen to it, to try something new to change everything I can to be happy.
A few Weeks ago I decided to change my hair style and colour. Today my top piece came in and I picked it up.... The style very different and the colour was a big change. Once on I started to freakout because I took a huge step out of the comfort zone and I wanted to go back.....
But going back is unhealthy because it's the same as just hiding and not growing. I've watched Medb challenge herself lately by getting a grip of crowds and her strength amazes me.
The reaction I've had is positive so far so I have to say it looks good ... Now just to change more till I'm happy .
Be Well

Feeling Right

It's been a long time since I can say I just feel right. I caught myself this past Monday wanting to play with my hair and makeup just cause. I've gotten into a bad habit on my days off not wanting to do anything. Just throw on a hat and go.

Cuddling up on the couch with Medb I happened to just stop and notice I feel right for the first time. I didn't feel like a stranger in my body, I didn't feel the strains of any transition. I just was myself, not hurting from the surgery, no pulls on the internal mental thoughts. I was and still am happy and content.

It's a great feeling to experience, and one I know won't fade. I've reached the end of a milestone and journey. Now time to start another one ... Because life has so many to choose.... But before I start I have to set a save point :)

Be Well

Morgan the Travelin Lapin

I know it's odd but on my last trip having a stuffed bunny help me break the ice and open up conversations with others. it started with Medb suggesting I take Morgan to Vegas, and in my hurry I forgot. When I got home I found Morgan on my pillow looking sad and alone so I vowed he would go with me when I saw Jaz.

The pictures started out of boredom in Seattle while I waited for my flight in this shot he is paying for lunch. The woman next me thought it was adorable so up on Facebook it went. Morgans travels. It allowed others to follow my trip without me being in the front of the camera.

During the weekend Morgan got to have more pics and just show off. For me it allowed me to put aside some fear about meeting new people. I still worry about folks learning my past and I'm trying to quash that.... Time will tell really how it goes, for now I'm curious to see how Morgans adventures play out over the next few years.

Worn Out ....

I had really wanted to post more during this week, however life had a different idea. Last weekend I spent it with Jazzy watching her graduation. I had a great time and in a few days I'll post about that. The last week has been long , hard and in many ways I didn't like the stress and anger that followed. Jet lag plus 4 days of overtime made kara a very cranky girl and I had little tolerance for peoples drama and bullshit.

Saturday saw me collapse in bed unable to get up so I called in sick. The day really just consisted of sleep, watching old cartoons on netflix and playing some games. The day flew by and even today I need more rest, the day did give me insight on a number of things though. 1) I should have listened to my mind when I was a kid and liked watching She-Ra and Jem as much as Transformers  and 2) I really need to take a break , take stock of my life and figure a new path in life.

For now I'm going to go lie down and watch some more TV :)

Be Well all

God Loves Man Kills ....

While I was traveling out to visit Jaz and celebrate her graduation, I had a chance to re read an old X-Men traffic novel by Chris Flattening ... The story was the first dark story I had read in comics. It's tones and art were not what my 10 year old mind was accustom to.
The basis of the story was the extermination and murder of mutant by Rev Willem Stryker and his purifiers. The mutants were in his eyes an abomination to God, an evolution not something created. Using religion as a means to condone actions we as society call murder and genocide.
While the story is fiction I had to admire the writing and the raw story seen thru the eyes of an adult. The similarity in some teaching I've witnessed, read or seen towards any one gay, lesbian or transgendered lately from some evangelical leaders in the past few months.
I mean you know it's bad when Pat Robinson says hey guys tone it down you are scaring folks. Maybe one day it will be gone, we can always hope .... From the best scene in the book we see a cop shoot an armed Reverend Stryker in front of a televised congregation. He drops to the ground the fun dropping from his hand who he had been pointing at Kitty Prude moments earlier. As people are in shock of the Rev being killed ... They start calling for the mutants to be charged as well as the officer who shot him .... the other officers say no .... He killed him the shout. The police reply no he just saved a girl from being killed.
The more people I see speak out against the hatred some preach, the more I have hope and the more religious people question the hate and balk at it the more I know God loves.
Be Well

Mom & Kid Day

The day comes from my childhood, those rare days when she would pull me out of school and we would just spend the day together. Most times it would involve me going with her while she worked but it was a time when we could just bond and lugh. My mom in her own way did everything to make me feel special, and she gave me the greatest gift a parent could give a child. She taught me to be independant and self suffiecent. This will be a topic another post.

Last Saturday we had our first Mom and Kid day in mnay years but also the very first as her daughter. I can tell you that it went very well even if I pushed myself overboard to make it just right. Picking her up and bringing her to the coast. We saw a movie, had a wonderful dinner and then a concert of her favorite country artist Charley Pride. Watching the years melt off of her and catching us singing his old hits together will last me a life time.

Not wanting to drive back up to Merritt we got a hotel room and just rested and once we got in and relaxed I watched her drift to sleep and realize how lucky I am to have her as my mother. She is one of a kind and Ièm hoping in the next few months we can do it again. Her health is not the greatest so I donèt know how long she will have, but Ièm going to try and make the most of the time we have.

Till next time

Be Well

The Ugly Truth

The hardest thing I've had to work on the last few months is looking at my ugly parts. They are there lurking and coming face to face with them have caused me to face a number of painful memories. They've caused me to critically look at myself and challenge a lifetime of fear and doubt.

Life is what ever you make it. Simple and easy and for most of my life I've made it tougher then it really needed to be. I've put up roadblocks, let my health suffer and went to 300 pounds.... For what a feeling that I wasn't worth it, that because I was different. For me those voices of self doubt have done more harm then any part of my journey.

Here is the cold hard truth about transition .... You will be your own worst enemy. You will try to deny yourself happiness. You will blame yourself for things you can't control and when times are rough you will try to destroy yourself from within.

I'll lose my spouse .... Yes you could your relationship was built on a lie, they have a right to be upset ... but they might have the strength to walk with you or at some point still be your friend. My kids will leave and not love me ... If you've raised them well they won't but it's there choice. You have to let go of what the.shell built and see what you become.

For a long time I felt I lost my family my friends but I didn't I lost negative influences in my life that I didn't need. I've built better and healthier relationships in the last 4 years then I did as a shell. I'm starting to look after myself and feel good. I'm growing and no matter how painful it is, no matter how hard it will get ..... You can't take it away from me.

I've grown past the transition to female, because I am female and no one can take that.from me, I'm Kara .... I'm a fighter, I'm a father, I'm a survivor and I'm whoever I wish to be.

Be Well

Just Be You ...

I've heard the saying I just wanted to be me ... I lived my whole life as they wanted me to ... I just couldn't take it and then ....... Well fill in the blank. To say that this is only a trans thing is so wrong. It's a human thing as we age and grow we all worry about the road we never took. We blame society for making us be a certain way, the truth is... you didn't have the strength to just be yourself and chose to let others remake you. Every human being has experienced it in one form or another.

The question begs why does it take a major life shake up or near death to see it? Why do we not just be who we are? How do you just do it..... whats the secret?  .... It's easy just be yourself. Do what you love and surround yourself with those that love you for nothing more then being you. Live life on your terms and never give up on your dreams. Those folks that wallow in negativity turn your back and just let them be miserable.

I broke into a million pieces 4 years ago and it was the best thing for me to do. I'm healthier then most people and I've come to realize that what we all see as trans issues are just human issues just with a different cause. People fall in and out of love all the time. Job's come and go and friends and family always change.  people always have medical challenges and really you only have control of one thing..... You and really its all anyone has to control.

Welcome to humanity ....What do you want to be !!!

Be Well

OhMy !!!!

It started in a slow roll and exploded in a sensation that I will never forget. A feeling so deep that its hard to put into words. I collapsed into her arms and openly wept as the sensation past. A whole number of questions finally being answered and fears being thrown back into the darkness where they belong. Would I be able to again feel everything, could I orgasm again and the most important question. Was the operation the correct path for me? yes...Yess  ..... YYEEEESSS . Its hard to lie when the body feels right and you have a deep inner peace.

I laid there for several moment ... her arms wrapped around me and let all the stress go. The knowledge that this was the right path for me. My gamble paid off in full and truly feeling whole. The body and mind were in one and in sync. In 30 years I had not experienced  the feeling that I'm complete.  It was amazing and a true day to remember.... I can now say to anyone that this was the right road to take bar none. The surgery was the right path for me to take. No one can tell me different because I've lived it ... and experienced it.

I have no words to describe it but life and I'll always be grateful in the one person who risked everything to give me this gift... My angel, she is my rock, my love and most important my best friend te amo mi angel . 


Be Well 

Six Months .....

It's odd 6 months ago I was a week out of surgery having the stent removed. My aftercare was 4 times a day and I had no idea what was ahead.

Today I'm down to once a day in my aftercare, I just received my presidents club trophy and about to head home to my angel. I truly miss her when I'm away. To celebrate I revisited my.fear from Las Vegas .... A Victoria secrets outlet. I know to some this sounds like it's nothing. To myself I feel out of place .... The images, some of the girls shopping there hit me hard. I'm not use to it ... I didn't have the luxury of growing up playing with style, make up or hair .... I'm learning as I go.

With a deep breath I went in and stood my ground ... I repeated to myself ... I belong here no one can change that ..... and unlike Vegas I didn't run. I made my purchases and it felt good. The next 6 months a lot will change for,me all good.... July will be a change in a big way for me ... I'm going to do something I've never done before ..... You'll just have to see what I have planned :)

as for the bag .... It's a trophy of kicking fear in the teeth :) What was in it ? That's a secret between me and Victoria

Till next time

Be Well

New Directions

I had an emotionally draining past week. very emotional, angry and on the edge, partially due to hormones but also with a frustration with myself. I want to change and  to not be afraid to flirt, to live, laugh and just be whoever I want. Of all the problems and challenges of transition the greatest gift is the ability to be whatever kind of person you want to be. To shuck off the shell and soak up life and freedom. To often it is wasted, it's easier to just go back to the same old same old. To hide and complain about how life's not fair, to dwell on the negative and assume that we're victims. Life is hard .... change is hard but oh its so worth it.

I want to be the kind of girl that leaves an impression when I leave .... people thinking  What a Gal. I want to smile and laugh. I want to break men's hearts because simply they can't touch me. I want to be able to flirt and not feel like running just because a man shows a hint of interest outside of work or business. I want to be able to feel comfy in a make up store or shopping as I do in a gaming store.  I want to find the beauty in life, the good in people. I want to be able to help others even if I'm blunt and dishing out tough love.

In short I want to change myself and become a better person by christmas. I'm going to do this by changing something about myself everyday and seeing how I grow. Work out more, Experience more, eat better, do my make up everyday and so on.

Till my next post

Smoke me a salmon, I'll be back for diner

Be Well

Waking in Tears

I went to bed tired and emotionally drained tonight. a combination of many things. The hardest was walking away from two friendships that ment a lot to me. This was my choice to do but the silence was hurting me to much and it was my call. I also deactivated my old facebook profile, I kept it up so some could find me but after 4 years it seemed pointless at this stage of my life.  Walking away is never easy but I made my choice after I found myself getting angry at one of them. If there is to be no future with them I want to remember the good times. What I liked about them .... not the anger.

I woke a short time later crying fragmented dreams of a warped scene from the empire strikes back .... lightsabers, hyper smart ferritts and a very angry image of myself  full of rage, anger, sorrow and raw emotions looking into a broken mirror ... a shattered image and the feeling who is to blame?

I could blame society, religion, my mother, can't say sperm doner, I could blame everything but its not the truth. I am to blame for my fractures, my anger, my hurt, my fear .......as I look inwards at the core of my being to a very hurt, angry girl  I lay the blame at my own feet and no matter how many people will say you did nothing wrong.... they are wrong I let myself do this to myself.

I carry anger towards both Ken and Michael , towards those that walked away or fell silent, towards my employer towards Brian and Dan ..... but mostly towards myself for not letting go of the hate and anger.
I have to let it go and I have faith in my goddess that I have the strength to do this and grant mercy on to those that feel I hurt or lied to them. May they find peace within there lives....

It's 3:31 am and I'm going to try and go back to sleep

Happy bunny day

Be Well

Lowering The Defense

The second I meet a person my mind starts to work. I look at what you wear, what you say and how you say it and look at every subtle movement subconsciously. I then greet you with a smile and begin to talk and usually within 5 min I understand what you are trying to present or hide.  I've profiled you for one reason .... how to protect myself and adapt to you.  It's my method of survival and it keeps me away from many people. I've done this ever since I can remember. It started in preschool when I would sit under desks and watch the kids play and interact.

For me growing up I learned to create a shell and learn to be a chameleon, to adapt and blend with society to keep my deep dark secret of who I truly was away from everyone. It's a tool I've used to great effect in my sales trade, and was my key to surviving. I learned to read people, what they would say and not say ... all to blend and lie .... to survive the fact I wasn't male. I wasn't what people wanted to see or what society wanted me to be. Then the shell broke.

When I started to go full time and experiment in virtual learning to be female I never got rid of the defense, if anything I just redirected the energy into making them stronger. When men started flirting with me it freaked me out, finding an attraction freaked me out even more. I hit overdrive on my defense's and as fast as they could offer a flirt or a compliment I wold counter it hard and fast. I made it so they would  have no chance... and they didn't because I was finding every way to counter anything they said or did.

It was not a healthy way to deal with it. How am I suppose to learn to live if I'm always playing defense. How am I suppose to grow ..... I can't really keep doing that. So it has to come down to lowering those defenses, allowing some things threw and learning to deal with a flirt or a compliment in a different way. In an accepting way appropriate to what ever is thrown at me.

Can I be hurt and let down .... yep, but like or not that's really what life is about and I'm not introverted .... I'm and extrovert and compliment in a harmless flirt can be a good thing. It's a compliment to my outward projection of what I am ..... A woman

If you want to know what the profiler see's when she looks at herself .... I see a very repressed,unhappy , angry hurt person ....Do I like it ...No but it's what I did to myself and this is what I'm trying to change.

Till next time

Be Well

Do I Pass !!!!

LOL the battle cry of the cross dresser and when i identified a number of years ago it made sense. Here's a few facts about CD's   .... 1) most will never leave the comfort of there own home. 2) most will dress in private 3) only 5 % will ever really go out in public and mostly at night in groups. 4) most are hetero sexual males.

They are mostly concerned with there appearance and how closely do they look like women out on the town. They rarely work on anything above appearance and those out in public love the photo's  oh do they love the photo's.

It's also a place where transgenders test the waters. I've known a number of girls who have fully transitioned like myself but the question of do I pass is a trap you don't want to get into because it really doesn't matter. what matters is the fact that you're happy. I've seen girls stop because there voice isn't girly....  they are afraid of being in public or they don't look like the perfect barbie doll...... news for you  very few will much like natural women.

Fact .... Women come in all shape and sizes, they all have different voices from high to low and like women we all do to. My advise to you is work on the important factor ... who you are !!!  Style, mannerisms and such will come as you transition. Hormones will soften features and you will continue to change after surgery. You can all work with the voice .... just be your self and at the end of the day who cares if you pass .... the million dollar question is ..... Are you happy?

Be well

Frustration in Vegas

First time back in Las Vegas post op and it was met with mixed results. On the business side it was a resounding success. I had a number of old distributors remember weave of dreams, and the man who ran it. Shocked was the theme of the day....but it explained why the website went dark for a few years. All the old accounts we're reset up and we are a go with some new ones as well .... Next year we will be in a position to buy show specials.

I had a great night with fuzz and dee homemade lasagna and chatting on the porch was nice :) . Like the group on imvu they are just as they are online. When I come out in July we will have to get together again. My frustration came with my time alone, I made myself go out and in a city of millions it's hard to feel alone.

The committee in my head started in on me early on Tuesday as I kept watching women interact easily. I started to feel insecure and wonder what was wrong with me. I went shopping and found that it just got worse for me as I realized I had no clue what I want my style to be. I felt out of place in every store I went into.  The day went on and I had to stop and breathe and gather myself. Style wise I have to learn all over again, try different things and be daring. If I don't then it's my loss and I can only blame myself.

I keep my gut because it's a shield, I don't dress up or wear much make up because it's a shield. I'm probably one of the most introverted extroverts you'll ever meet. I sat down had a frozen yogurt and calmed. Turned around walked into Fredericks of Hollywood and purchased a classy little black dress and something else... And shipped a few other stores.

I refuse to be bullied by myself, women come in all shapes and sizes and I will find out my style. I've only had 4 years at this and that's not a long time. My guy will be gone those last 40 pounds history soon :) I'm not going to run and hide because it's not me.

Be well

Holy Crap I'm 40

Can't believe it right now, but the calendar does not lie.... the question is now what and how will I react. Medb has always said that a woman hits her stride in her 40's or do I go the guy root and buy a sportscar lol. 

I think hitting my stride will be in the cards really it will all be in how I choose to look at it. Like the song  Every one is free to wear sunscreen says " Some of the most interesting 40 year old I know still don't "

I do know what I want to do .... it will just take a decade to get my doctorate :) . Ever since I started to figure out who I am I've noticed some small changes in the way I look at myself. When I see this goal I've started to say I'm smart enough to achieve this goal. I can do this and need to do this for myself and no one else.  I'm trying hard to break the self abuse and self destruction and empower myself knowing I can be successful in anything I choose to do. 

I'm a very strong person and have survived what many couldn't even fathom doing. I'm a survivor, a fighter and capable of anything I choose to accomplish. I am who I choose to be and really age doesn't mean much to me because I've only truly started to live and I have a promise to keep to medb when I hit 80. The coming year I've set out a few goals for myself to achieve ... 1) prepare for college and get ready for my studies 2) find a profession I love and do it while studying  3) learn a martial art 4) lose those last few pounds and not let my fear rule me on that. 5) most importantly enjoy those friends and family who love me for me .... and let go of the past its for the best.

Ty for those who read these and till next post 

Be Well 

Sexual Identity

I awoke the other night from a very bad dream that had been triggered by a combination of being flirted with online and in real life at work. A few years ago I had an altercation with a customer who had taken an interest in me and had tried to flirt with me at the counter. I was polite with him and he left to go to the till, while he was there he was told by the bagger that I had use to be male.... embarrassed he stormed back from the line and yelling at the top of his lung what he was going to me. He got within 15 feet of the kiosk when Kelly who was with security put him to the ground stopping him.  That day everything changed for me and I let it change me.

Before this moment I had always worn make up and did my best on it always changing it up. I also lightly flirted with some people, Kelly had been one. He was married and I was engaged so there was no harm and I had looked at it as a good way to interact being female. After the incident Kelly had learned the truth of my past and couldn't or wouldn't look me in the eye. The guy had scared me badly and I figured I was as much to blame. Over the next few months I stopped wearing much if any make up at all and did my very best to look as plain as possible and just fade into the background again.

The dream has haunted me a number of times over the years with different results buy always with him not being stopped.... When I came back to Vancouver I tried to go back to wearing more make up and start fresh. I went out to Vegas I had decided to relax a little. I had Jazzy and Rachel there so I would be safe. The night we went out I did a killer job on my make up and later in the evening I did have encounter while they were on the dance floor. I felt his hand grab my ass first then his words about what he wanted to do with my ass. I stiffened and wanted to run but had to deal with it by claiming I would rather have the women on the dance floor making him back off.

Again when I came home I just went back to old habits and back to the same pattern. Fast forward to a few weeks ago I decided to get my nails done and went with a strong color on the tips instead of white. Went to work made up and some mall employee has now asked if I was single... Thankfully they said I had a fiancee and with being flirted with online caused me to go back into a panic.

You can say that all these things are not my fault and you know you would be wrong....  These are caused by others reactions to me and how I look and present myself. What I have done is allow others to change me and allow me to hide form something I do not understand and have not accepted.... my sexual identity.
I love wearing make up and have always been a natural flirt, its just me. I can't change my medical condition but it doesn't make me any less a woman. Hiding behind an excuse of not wanting to hurt someone or cause a similar incident is really only hurting me. I have to deal with my own sexual fears, and find that side of me.... or else I just rob me of myself and I refuse to allow that.

Till next post

Be Well all

Gamer Girl

For a long time I've played video games, mostly to escape and mostly alone. With the rare exception of lotro or guild wars I stayed away from online.

Years ago I did play unreal tournament an online fps but lost the desire to play once things started to open up for me in 2003 and I began to explore my gender.

Gotham city impostors caught my eye on the silliness of the game .... And what the hell I have all the systems so I tried it. Assuming my nick lady jys I picked up the controller and proceeded to get schooled.

A week later and a string of pain filled nights later I am getting better .... Able to hold my own and not feel useless. Now a few days later I find that I've been getting friend requests because I'm a female gamer. It's not something I've had to deal with .... being perceived as needing to be protected when some players go looking for an easy kill or being randomly flirted with.

I don't handle male attention well, it makes me want to run and hide in real and I'm finding it in the virtual world as well. So the question becomes do I turn off the online game and just go back to hiding alone .... Or learn to confront it?

Yeah welcome to my silly life ....

Till next post
Be Well

Whats In A Name ???

Alot actually lol :)   I've learned that all to well over the years and today was no different. After a weeks of waiting I got an email for my business name application back and my first choice deWinter Enterprises had been taken by someone else . Not wishing to ask for permission and delaying the process I asked for them to move to my second choice Weave of Dreams Enterprises. A take on my old web site and the name had been strong in the past.

I was told that it would take till Monday to be searched. Well an hour later I got the confirmation that the name was mine again. Like a phoenix it had risen from the ashes and was ready to go again. The funny thing is it feels right and familiar but new waiting for kara's touch ... what will I bring to it.

It's a start right now. One that will require a lot of work and love to blossom into what I want it to be. It will be mine and it will be successful because .... its my dream :)  Next step Registration and Import number and the major step my business plan :)  ... now wheres my notes?

Till next post

Be Well

Magic

The last week or so has been a bit odd for me. Starting on Tuesday I found myself at a game store with Medb. We were just looking and my eyes were going back to the card game Magic the gathering. It had been a number of years since I had played, almost 8 to be exact ever since all my cards were stolen by my youngest and sold for food at school.

It wasn't the loss of the cards that hurt so much but he took an activity I loved doing with him and his brother away from me. I enjoyed coming home after work sitting down and just playing the game. I've carried that pain for a number of years.... until Tuesday.

While we were there she said let it go hun and forgive or rebuild and continue doing what you love. She knew my choice and we bought some decks and starters and I went home to rebuild. Thursday we went to stronghold and she repurchased the start of my angel deck ...... my favorite deck of all time.

Serra Angel :) my favorite card of all time and still is even if she is outdated. Now a new challenge comes from this ... rebuild and go play on Thursday nights. Meet new people and rediscover the love for the game. I asked my eldest if he would play again and he said no.... I know my friend dan doesn't have anytime in his life but for himself. My youngest is another story .... I want to replay with him, to share that smile as the cards fell where they may. It's been a long time but I forgive him and maybe one day we will play again

Till next post

Be Well

You're Worth Something

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y  

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe ---- Katy Perry Firework

Today was a mixture of emotions going from being unsure to  joy. I was raised  with the belief that if you worked hard you would be recognized and rewarded. All my life I've followed that and yet with my current company I've come to the realization I'm a pee-on. No matter how well I've preformed or tried to protect the company I'll never advance.  After that I found the course I took a few years ago has advanced well beyond me and staring 40 next month kinda shook me today.

What have I done .... is it over.... why did i waste my life ..... but like the fear I listened to all my life its just that fear. The truth is I never lit the fuse to ignite. I lost myself in work and took their shit for so long but thats in the past. What about today....

Today is here and it doesn't need to be about them any longer this time is about me. What can Kara do if she put her mind to something. How would I define success now because money is not a benchmark. Is it intelligence, respect or the feeling of knowing you made a difference in someone life so much that you give them the power to light up the sky.

I'm a sales person always have been but it's not a place for respect. You're only as good as your last month and only as long as you produce. I'm very good at sales and have been rewarded for my abilities. It no longer means anything to me, I don't feel anything just give me my paycheck. I want to be something more, something that people can say ty for changing my life, I want to help and stop people from putting themselves  thru the hell I put myself thru.

I'm great at psychological abuse, its an art I perfected for almost 30 years. I practiced on myself living a lie and damaging myself. Now I just have to reverse it and use it to heal me. Take my life lesson and learn from it and bring it others to stop them from doing it to themselves. That's the respect I want in life and I will ignite to shoot across the sky and see what happens.

Why because I'm worth something and that's the important part in life.

Be Well all

It's Not About Change .... It's Growth

I caught myself thinking about an old pendant that was given to me by Medb when we first started going out almost 14 years ago. It was a one of a kind coiled dragon with my birthstone in it and beautiful ruby eyes. I wore him for almost 10 years everyday and a rare piece that I would kill someone for if they tried to take him from me. When I started my transition we changed him for my Quan-yin pendant that I have worn everyday since.  When I stopped wearing the dragon it was for a few reasons , one was the style didn't fit and the other was for Medb. I wanted to give her something to remember Ian by as I changed into Kara to let the energy that had gathered on him to remain. and at the time we didn't know what would happen while i transitioned.

4 years later and wiser I've come to a few realizations about the original reasons why I stopped wearing him .... one girls can make anything look stylish :) (ty carol for the jewelry advise) and second .... if you take your transition in stride and in a healthy way ... you don't change you grow.  I am still the same geek, the same person I was then in many aspects... I'm just learning to grow and just be myself.

I witness so many trying to run from the past and change everything and its not healthy. Once you start cutting everything out you cut away your soul. You damage yourself in so many ways that just won't go away. You can  run from yourself but you're just creating a whole new shell and replacing the old one with a new one. By growing you allow yourself to resume where you left off once sealed off from the world. You can build and prosper in many ways and get to love yourself for the first time. A friend once told me that if you consider transition you need to ask yourself can you live by yourself, and love yourself knowing that being alone is a real possibility? If you can't then you shouldn't until you learn to do so .  Harsh  words perhaps, but true none the less because you need to find that internal love for YOU .

4 years later and I have grown enough to realize that I love who I am becoming, that the hard knocks, the comments and being forced to stand my ground is making me into a beautiful woman. I love Medb for being my best friend first and showing me what true love is. I love my Mom for teaching me to be independent no matter what. I love Jazzy for showing me what a true friend does for those she cares about. I thank those people who laughed at me in private and made me walk away for showing me what I don't want in my life. I love those friends that came into my life and gave me the chance to grow with them and shared with me their joy.

I din't run and change who I am because if I did I would have lost a very caring, loyal person with a hell of a vindictive streak. I'll grow past who I was in to who I want to be and enjoy the good and bad because those experiences are required to be healthy. As midnight once said to me... Vive la vida como usted quiere a la mujer, porque sólo tienes una vida y de su preciosa al perder en tonterías.  and this is a very true statement.

You get to choose how this transition will be, you will make it as good or as bad as you choose. It will be as easy or as hard as you make it. It's not easy to do but nothing worth while is.... but regaining yourself is an unimaginable reward. For me its time to regain my Dragon and wear him with pride unafraid of the energy stored in him and adding to him again because I've grown in to him :)

Be Well and everyone  keep shufflin !!!!

My Playlist

Life is a beat to dance to and I forget that for a long time I couldn't feel much. I wouldn't allow myself to as I was locked in a fight with myself. A very unhealthy one that went on to long till I admited to myself I was a girl.... some of the hardest but most rewarding words I had ever spoken to myself. The funny thing was the next morning  while I walked to my car I could feel and hear the music in the air... the worlds beat.  The beat of life and when I turned on my car and plugged in my ipod I could feel the music and the lyrics of life and what they ment to me.... this is some of my playlist. 

I know this pain (I know this pain, I know this pain (echo))

Why do lock yourself up in these chains? (these chains, these chains (echo))
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

You could sustain (you could sustain , you could sustain (echo))
Mmm or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness (no baby)
You got yourself into your own mess (ooooooo)
Lettin' your worries pass you by (lettin' your worries pass you by)
Baby don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind? ……. Wilson Philips

We all have something in life that we chain our selves to, maybe it’s a job, a bad romance and sometimes like in my case I chained myself to fear. And as these lyrics can have so many meaning for me it was all to true. I’ve chosen to live free… away from the traps of life and just to be myself. I know its tough but you can do anything you set your mind to.

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life …. Pink

So true … I have made a number of different chocies in my life. Some good some bad but in the end of those trials by fire I have survived. I have been tested and forged and you know what its great. Nothing in life is easy, we all have to fight for it and taste the rewards of all our hard work.  You just have to ask yourself what do you want to fight for, and then just do it.

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are…. Bruno Mars

My Angel is my rock, my best friend and has taught me so much in my life. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. She has taught me to be true to myself even when its been hard to do so, she has taught me to love myself and see the world in a light I couldn’t have before and utmost she is teaching me how to be a lady.

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good good night
Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up

Go out and smash it
like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF

I know that we’ll have a ball
if we get down
and go out
and just loose it all …. Black Eye Peas

This is just the perfect beat to get up and dance. We all forget in life sometimes to just cut loose and have that good night. To move to the beat and just sing and dance. To go out and live and say wow that was just to cool. Those nights where the stories will be told for years to come and memories to last a life time.

My best friend gave me the best advice
he said each day's a gift & not a given right
leave no stone unturned
leave your fears behind
& try to take the path less travelled by
that first step you take is the longest stride

if today was your last day
& tomorrow was too late
could you say goodbye to yesterday?
would you live each moment like your last?
leave old pictures in the past?
donate every dime you had?
if today was your last day … Nickleback

What would you do if today was your last day and you had no tomorrow. How often do you look at life and say tomorrow it will get done? You never know when it will be, try and live like tomorrow would be the last day, never go to bed angry and let those that you love know you love them. Don’t let opportunities pass and for goddess sake live each moment you have left cause its worth it.