My First Car

I can remember the day like yesterday, a nice warm spring day and I had just passed my drivers test. With license in hand and the keys to my car I was ready for freedom .... awww 17 and a ford pinto .... those were the days.  I wish I could say I was a care free teenager .... I would be lying, at 17 I was running a buisness, working a part time job and helping my mom look after foster children.

Today I got to see several amazing things. I got to see my eldest son get his first car, a 1997 Mustang the same year and model as my mustang was. We had gone out and he was set on a practical reliable automobile. Theres nothing wrong with that and I can respect that, but this is the boys first car and with that comes some powerful memories. This is his first taste of true freedom, his adult life is starting and as we test drove the car I got to see something rare. I watched as he punched the acceleration  the smile creep across his lips and a laugh. I watched him cut loose a little and as I turned up the radio he settled in and fell in love with his car.

I saw him trade practical for something he will enjoy for many years to come, the car he got will be great for him.... Good gas milage and a safe riding car. He has most of the toys and I think will let him grows in ways he has never considered. Soon it will be his brothers turn and he will have exactly what his brother got, its only fair after all. While my life never went the way I thought it would, or as I wished it would I'm blessed to have two very special sons and an awesome grand daughter. One day when I'll see my grand daughter in her first car and maybe  just maybe I'll see that smile across her lips.... only time will tell


Till next post be well

Jys

Yoga Apparently

As I laid on the mat tonight resting after a yoga work out, I felt my mind drifting, as a question was finally answered. Where would I be one year from now? The time was 11pm EST and a year ago I was in Montreal the night before surgery. Medb and Jen had gone home for the night and would see me around 11 am when I was suppose to be going into surgery. I tried to sleep as it is my escape and sleep didn't really come.  Every few hours they would come check my blood sugar and shoot me with insulin. My levels wouldn't drop.

What sleep I could was broken and filled with night terrors and nurses. It was just short of 6am and they tossed me a gown and slippers telling me I would be prepping for surgery in an hour. Shock and fear hit me all at once because Medb wouldn't be there to see me off. I couldn't say to her I love you one last time before I went up. What if I didn't come out of surgery ok.  For me it was a frighting time ... not the surgery but the unknown. Even today I say I love you way to much... I think because I want her to know if something happened to me.

As they fetched me I kept thinking of the things I haven't done in my life, what I wanted to change and who I want in my life. The hour sped by and even as they stuck the needle in my back I kept trying to think of any reason to stop.... I couldn't.  As i was falling asleep I warned the Doctor to make sure I survive or he wouldn't due to my shield maidens downstairs. The next thing I knew I was being awakened and struggling to fight the sedatives in my body.  I knew she was downstairs and most likely feeding off some adrenalin.

I remember when they brought Rachel down she was bouncing all over the place and wide awake, I could barely sit up .... As the Elevator opened I could hear her and Jen in the main room and she was at my side  very grey and with the best smile I could manage I gave her a smile saying I would be ok and I was ok... the look on her face said everything......

She is my Angel and will always be my best friend and she brings out the best in me, she keeps a lot of me in check.

I got to say those words to her I love you.... And a year later as I laid on the mat I knew I made the right choice and have a direction to grow in. Where will I be next year I don't know, I'll find out and who know I might just tell you all.

Till next post

Be Well

Jyslin

Hiding

The last few months I've been hiding more from myself by resuming some game playing. I know that for some you would say thats ok.... for me its not really. Its a form of escape and a tool to not deal with my own issues and fears. I know because I've done it since I first picked up a paddle and started shooting asteroids or playing pong.  What can I have to hide from right now, mostly myself and my sexuality. I fear it plain and simple.

Sometimes it easier to just pick up a paddle and play a game or waste a few hours exploring GW2 but its just hurting myself even more. So over the next few months I need to dial it way back and try to find my center again and get back on track. Easier said then done really lol.

The next few weeks have a lot going on, the move and the end of early term with school. A friend from the US is coming up to see Medb and myself and I'm excited. We get to unpack the storage locker  wheeee and prep for renovations. My mom will be moving into our lower suite in a few months so I will have to seee how that goes.

Tonight I'm stressed even if I did do some exploring today and ditched school.... So I will play for a few hours while my meds kick in. Tomorrow is another story though, its will be the day I start packing and deliver a gift to a dear friend I will also try to organize my bushiness and write the proposal that's rolling around in my head.for the last few months.

The question still remains what kind of girl am I and who do I want to be..... some days I miss child hood... some days I don't

Be Well

Days Like These

I don't like these kind of days I tend to get from time to time. It's not the moodiness, the temper or being on the verge of tears all day that other me. I expect those as being female and a result of the hormones. It feels natural really if not a bit bothersome. What gets me is when I really start to pick at my own psychological make up and wonder sometimes how badly I really did damage myself ? How can I mend it, and is it really broken.

I accept the fact I did a lot of this to myself. I chose to hide and pretend nothing was wrong and in doing so I did my self a disservice. I didn't really allow myself to grow, I just lied to myself and said everything was fine. The last few days I've been quite and letting the committee do a number on me, sometimes I think I deserve it... even if the logical side of me says I don't. Sometimes you just can't reason with crazy, you just go with it and hope you make sense of it. 

Today I found myself watching the students in the break area chatting and socializing, the guys were going on about phones and tech and the girls were all over the place. While I listened to them I found out that I couldn't really fit in with any of them. This triggered a feeling of being alone, not in a physical sense but a psychological sense. I wondered how many of them could tear themselves a part and try to live a completely different life. Would they want to, how would they cope and would they be treated any differently by society.

A few days ago I had a mini identity attack because I was having trouble trying to figure out why I'm so scared of my sexuality, why I can't tackle it and why other girls are so excited to try out there equipment. Yet in my case I get scared of the thought and again whats wrong with me.

It's also brought a new trait to me, being judgmental and over the last several months its gotten stronger. It's not a trait I like but I have it and I will have to do my best to lose it. It's all part of working on myself to try and repair some of the damage I self inflicted.... it will all take time and effort but it will come. 

Till my next post 

Be Well