Pride Parade...

For the first time I attended the Vancouver pride parade, something I have sworn I would never do on principal alone. However this time it was for a good reason that I believe in. Rachel asked me to help man the Vancouver Trans Health Booth passing out information and resources for people questioning their gender identity.

Why don't I like pride parades is rather simple.... I don't think it helps people with GID. To most people unfamiliarly with the condition saying transsexual or transgender invokes images like this one...

In most parades you see drag queens, cross dressers, and gender benders... very few trans men and woman march. While these people fall under the umbrella term Transgender, they are do not have a medical condition. It's a lifestyle choice... People who are gay or lesbian like true transgenders are just born that way, and that's who they are.

Maybe its just me however I don't see the need to march in front of over 100000 people because I have a medical condition. We don't have cancer parades having people with cancer parade in front of others, or Diabetics etc .... So why should we march in front of others?

Why Change....

The last few days have been rather emotional and I've spoken to a number of people asking them to describe what they see when they look at me. I've had a number of interesting responses and was asked why change. Simple because I don't like where I am right now in my life. Very few people know this fact, I hate looking in mirrors or of pictures of myself because I don't like what I see.... While we were in vegas no matter what Jazzy or Rache said to me regarding my appearance I wouldn't believe them ... How can they see me like that and more importantly why couldn't I see it.

It comes down to Who Am I ... at this point in my life Who I am isn't ready to see this. Medb made some really good points in her post tonight and pointed me in this direction to challenge me ...

                                                         I AM
Kind, vindictive,honest, deceitful, self abusive, funny, scared, brave, self sabotaging, intelligent, analytical,loyal,self controlling,egotistical,logical,giving,competitive,compassionate,selfish,generous, squeamish,artistic,judgemental,accepting,emotional,worrisome,predictable,lazy,hard working,

                                                  What I want to be .....
Kind, vindictive,honest,funny,scared,brave,self loving,intelligent,analytical,loyal,self expression,egotistical,self respecting,logical,giving,compassionate,generous,squeamish,artistic, empathetic,judgemental.accepting, emotional,open,hard working,easy going

All my life I have been to hard on myself... controlling what I experience and what I express to other. I have not let myself just feel.... always afraid of what I find. I have not allowed myself to just live and see what happens. I'm afraid of so many things...and for the longest time afraid of people finding out my dark secret. That's no longer the case...

Now more then ever I want to change, to stop the voices in my mind that tell me I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I stand out and any number of things that I'm more then capable of doing to tear myself down. I want to be able to see myself in a mirror and smile and be proud of the person I am. To fee the inner beauty I know is there. I want to stop the self abuse and controlling nature and just be free to experience life and open up being care free......

                                          I want to change to be a better me :)

Defence ...

My day started out in a way that made me think. Just arriving to work and 15 before we open I was trying to get everything unlocked and ready I had a customer that wanted help and a phone that would not stop ringing. I felt my stress level go up and was angry in the help I was about to give.

Why was it.... the old guy had a simple question and the phone call was a persistent virgin rep who couldn't grasp the fact of we're not open yet and I don't have the phone in stock. Neither was rude but it made me want to fight immediately and argue. While the day drug on it continued... my first impulse to defend and argue.

The question is why.... what makes this the default action,  do I like this about me and if I wanted could I change it? All my life I have felt like I have to defend my point right or wrong. To defend my actions and opinions.  I don't know why it just feels that way. The last three years to many I felt like I had to defend my right to be here. To exist and have the same rights as others. Some legitimate and for others overblown, it's amazing what points of view will do.

So how do I change this because I don't like to always be on the defensive. I don't like the hours long arguments I can produce in my head long after the situation as passed. It's a part of  What I do. I want to change that. I want to be more open and be able to interact on a calm and rational basis. It's something I want to be able to do and make it mine.

Easier said then done I know but starting tomorrow morning when that first problem comes up it will be my first chance to implement and see what transpires ....

I'll keep ya all posted

Who am I .....

To be honest... I really don't know....

For the vast majority of my life I've lived in a shell. Creating a persona I thought people wanted me to be. Many would ask why would I do that, how can you do that? The short response is I have a medical condition known as GID or Gender Identity Disorder, commonly known as Transsexualism according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. As of the fourth manual  this disorder is listed as a psychological condition..... I disagree.

I view this as a neurological condition by the hormonal development of a female brain and a body that formed male. My psychological damage is the result of self forced repression supressing my true personality and forming what I thought people wanted me to be. On May 2008 my shell didn't crack, it shattered and for the first time in my life I didn't know what to do. 

Now over three years later and looking in the face of major change I find my self questioning who I really am.  In short order I understood gender, I'm at peace with that, but as my angel Medb and my therapist Dr. Preece has pointed out in GID most forget about the identity aspect of it.  

I just got back from Las Vegas and had fun, a number of firsts for me and it solidified a friendship that I had made online over the past year.  But right now I wonder who I really am... is this a new shell I made. I'm good at it, as it is a survival mechanism. Or is it a true start of myself..... I don't know. 

It's what I need to discover... feel free to make comments, laugh or cry as I post.... My life can be funny sometimes. 

If you think this is another Trans person blog and full of woe is me please move on .... I have no time for that shit in my life.

This blog is about a woman's journey to discover who she is and while I might touch on the subject of my past. I won't let it define me.