Well I Made a Commitment

Wasn't a big one but I had to chuckle about it ... I opened a comic box. First one in over three years to be exact just before I left for Calgary. I know that it doesn't sound like much, but for me its a return to some form of normalcy. Didn't do to many comics just a handful of issues and asked to get complete runs on some certain issues to start with.

Why did I do it, perhaps to find a place to fit in again, Yes I've transitioned and yes the end of this chapter is coming to a close. It's time to start the next stage and move forward and yes I'm a comic geek, always have been and always will be. It was funny that it was a girl who first got me into comics, Janie... I wonder where she is now. She got me into X-men, and Swamp Thing and so many others and now I can truly make this my own and see what I collect.

Wonder what I'll decide to do tomorrow... maybe I'll run a hundred miles if it will make me smile :)

The Test Drive

Well I've taken this path now for over 2 1/2 years now, and I'll say the test drive was a success. Some say the real life test is a boring and silly... hurry up and change me already I know what I want. I I I I I .... they forget that its not all about them, but for everyone else to wrap their brain around what's happened. It's a chance to live in the identified roll and experience what they deny themselves ... life.  I've loved and hated the last two years cause guess what growing up sucks and second puberty is a bitch. I've loved getting a chance to flesh out who I am... I've only come a short ways and a life time to grow but it's there.

The life experience is not about passing or failing but getting a chance to see if this is what you want and who you are. Some start this road and find out it's not them. There is nothing wrong with that. Some get into the real life test and are happy to stay there, not wishing the surgery but find comfort in just being accepted as a member of their identified gender. Others go all the way and have a crisis when they do the surgery and stop doing now what.

For myself the two years have been unreal, and I'm happy where I am . Medb pointed out that as Kara I've grown more in 3 years then I ever did as Ian... I can feel it. I'm happier then I ever was. I'm starting to figure out what I like and know in the coming year I'll be adding more to that year. As I heal from surgery I'll be cracking the books, learning a language, working out, swimming, starting airbrush, re doing my make up skills, and fulfilling an personal promise of getting a university education.

I'm Intelligent, I'm worth it  and I will be the best that I can be

Lazy Saturday

An interesting lazy Saturday that saw me just rest and enjoy. It started with a slow wake up by my angel and just resting. A quick stop to the comic store and gulp I actually bought some comics. A drive out to delta and a nice long walk on the beach with Medb and then a bite of sushi ... nice and relaxing loved it. 

Back to the grind tomorrow with only 9 more shifts 

It's what you make it

I sat today resting my legs as they hurt so much, taking some time for me and not really caring if I sold anything. I had some time to reflect on something someone said to me while in Montreal. That I didn't really have a tough transition.

No I didn't and I'll tell you why.... I took it and made it what I wanted. A chance to grow up in a new way. I made mistakes, and learned from them. I learned how to let other grieve and transition with you. I learned what happen when you force changes on others. I learned that while you lose some you gain some. I learned that when you look at it , its something we should all do in one form or another. You choose to make it easy or hard its as simple as that.

If you piss and moan about it, you give that out. If you look at it as new and exciting you get that. Yes the laws are stacked against us, and we have so many hoops to jump threw and its hard. Anything worth while in life is hard and in the end you will become what you put into it. When I lie for my surgery next month it will be 1 month short of 3 years... and I really wouldn't have it any other way.

If you're reading this and thinking of transitioning, or questioning take to heart that it will be what you make it. The surgery should you choose this path is just a step, and what you're really doing is making a healthy life change so make it a good one.

Be Well

Reflections

I know this has taken me a few days to get back to form, and I know I'm still a bit jet lagged. Montreal was not what I had really expected, It turned out to be way more.  From the moment Dr Brassard  said yes everything calmed down. My fears of being stuck in the middle for a long period of time evaporated. Work is becoming more finite and I understand that this is not Kara's gig.

I need something more in my life and so now I find myself excited for school and taking some time to sttudy for jan 18th. Then April for school and a fresh start. The surprising thing I have found , is the fact I have no rush for the surgery. It's not a focus .. it just is.

Well for tonoght I'm going to cuddle my angel and just rest over the next few days and get better.

Saying Good-Bye

I sit here at the end of a very emotional day, and had you asked me this time what my blog would be it wouldn't have been this one....

Veronica was Medb's mom and when I met her for the first time it was at an airport just as Medb and I started dating. There plane was 8 hours late almost 1 am when they rolled in. Here I was with Medb's car so they could get home safe.  I made a good impression and over the years she took me into her family and treated me as one of her's. It was rare as she never did like her daughters husbands or boyfriends. She helpped us when I couldn't carry the load, she made it possible to take my make up course... she taught me a lot.

She then got sick almost 5 years and as her condition worsened and her memory faded I transitioned. and I never got to say good bye. When she passed last year I was well into my second year of being full time. As the family didn't know I told my Fiancee to go and I would be a cousin of Ian. I sat in the back during her funeral  to respect her and not overshadow her passing.

Its been over a year since that day, and this morning after a shower and preparing to see the surgeon. I had laid down for a few minutes and fell into a deep sleep. I don't remember much about the dream but I could clearly hear her voice, and she was fussing over me and I looked at her asking her why she was fussing. and her words hit me to the core... she said because I have another beautiful daughter and she is a lady. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I feel that today I had a chance to let go and she said good bye by accepting me as who I truly am ... I miss her so much and I love her and will always look after her grandkids and great grand children.

and on another note the surgeon said yes

River Walk

One of things I've learned in Montreal is they love to bike and walk... a short walk to them is 3km's , that's how far it was from the residence to the hospital where rache had been dropped off. I'm out of shape cause the walk killed me a bit but gave me some time to reflect on what this might be like in Oct when its my turn. I'm taking medb approach on this one. I don't want to get my hopes up to be turned down. I know if it doesn't go that way I will be hurt.

My mind is my own worse enemy and I've given it to much power over my entire life for so long, that its a hard habit to break or to walk away from. Medb has said if they say no we can look at thailand, and for the last several months I've tried to think if I can just live like this as I have for the last few years. With forms and high dose hormones, or just de transtition and live as I was born content in the knowledge that I know who I am regardless of how I look.

Having my operation is not life and death, no matter what I feel it's only a step in this place we call life. On the other side I can't de transition and live my life as a man and having the whole world see me and interact like I'm male because I'm not and I won't crawl back into a shell. High dose hormones won't be an option either as over time they will just weaken me more and cause me to have more health problems.

AS I walked closer to the hospital i took a moment to look around me and see the families playing at the park , young lovers embraced in a kiss and people just having fun. This is what life is all about living,,, and i have to keep in mind that no matter what happens tomorrow I'm still alive and that it won't be the end of the world just another step and hurdle to get over. Looking back I've cleared over everyone and nothing is going to stop me ....

I do wish Medb was here tonight but I will be home soon in 4 days or so 

Be Well All

Culture Shock

I'll admit that I haven't been many places in my life with only two provinces that I've called home and no real travelling outside of that. Well how could I've been in a work mode for so long I've never had time to just travel and relax.

While I'm coming to Montreal in Oct I won't get a chance to see much more then an inside of the hospital and residence. Rache asked me to come with her for a week while she goes for her's and I'm getting a chance to see the city where my Fiancee grew up. I so wish she was here right now, I would love to hear her memories of places here. The city is really clean and the culture is so different then vancouver and makes alberta look so backwards.

The people are different here in the way they approach you and the old saying of the west coast being so laid back is true. Seeing buildings from the 1700 is something and to hear history from some locals was something to see... I also learned that they have a ton of weddings on Saturdays . After I heal I'll want to come back to see it all , walking with Medb to hear her stories and memories and truly enjoy all the city has to offer ,,,, must be with just for laughs thou

Letting Go

Sometimes you just have to let go of people when you don't want to but you need to because it's best for you. Tonight I have to let go of a friend that I've had for about 8 years now, but since the transition we have grown apart. Despite trying to reconnect with him since coming back to Vancouver I have to accept the fact that our friendship evolved into different directions.

I met him a number of years ago and when I started this road I had thought he would have been one of the ones to fully support it and be there as a true friend. I was wrong but as I've said before you never know what this path throws at you or what will become of it. He first said to me when I started that in the end I would be alone with only trans friends... well three years later I have to say he was wrong about that one. He also gave me some great advice... he told me Kara never ask any ones permission to be yourself its no ones business but yours.

He made a real effort to get to know me while I was in Vancouver before I left and we spoke during my time in Calgary and one day he stopped taking my calls, no matter what time I called he never answered. The past month I've tried to leave him several messages but he has't left word back. I don't blame him but I will miss him and perhaps one day things may be different.

However for now goodbye B .... I will truly miss you my friend

Controlled Calm

As much as I would like to think I'm calm right now I know I'm not.... far from it really. The reason is my fear that due to my blood sugar they will not operate on me for my surgery in Oct. I'm sure that its all in my head right now but it has been praying on me and effecting me at work and home. Today was the first day in two weeks I have actually written sales lol ... thou I was at the PNE and people were ripping out credit cards with out a hitch.

I take my test on Sept 6th and will have the results sent to Montreal and meet with Dr. Brassard on the 12th to see what it says and get word from the surgeon. Until then I will do just do my very best to take my mind off of it and relax cause I need it. :)

Why it's not all about me....

Me myself and I walk into a bar... please stop me if you've heard this one. 

I've seen so may posts and blogs about CD's and TG's that boil it all down to look at me I'm special, oh look what they did to me. They forget to look around them and see those around them. How do they feel about it, do they make others uncomfortable. How do there actions effect those around them. Do they stop to think if I acted differently or approached it differently would my outcome be different.

Most won't get that far, as they fixate to much on themselves and don't see how much they damage those around them. They get so soaked up in I can't do this, I lost this, I get picked on. For CD's its mostly a fashion show about how great do I look, do I pass and so on. For TG's they don't take the time to sometimes fully explain it to others so they can understand. For CD's its just a hobby and something fun to do or they are compelled to do it. 

Yes the title of my blog is All about me.... but more so on a deeper level about knowing the true person, the girl at the heart of this as I try to grow. The important ones in my life are those that choose to stand with me, those who chose to love me as me. Without them really who would I become, would I grow without being challenged. I've learned that those who take the time to grow with me end up being stronger themselves. 

You can't grow when it's all about you, it has to be about everyone. That's the key to being a better you, it about sharing yourself and enjoying what others really share with you. It's about listening to others no matter what, its about encouraging others to reach for there dreams, it's about watch them succeed and fail. It's about sharing laughter and yourself, because you will get it back.

When it stops being about just you .... it grows into some so much more... it grows into life.