The accomplishment of the past year

This past year while tough had many good and bad times. For starters I managed to hit presidents club for the fourth year in a row. We moved from Calgary back to Vancouver, I started to make new friends. I got to meet a very special friend in rl from once in Vegas. I underwent a major surgery and came out stronger then ever. I bonded with my grand daughter and want to see so many things go right for her.

The most important thing thou .... Was the choice to figure out who I am and who I want to be. It's a major undertaking and one of the biggest challenges I have ever thought of taking. A lot of my success this year comes from Medb who continues to challenge me. I reconnected with Jen in Montreal and formed a stronger bond with... Something I will always cherish. I grew closer to Rachel who I owe a lot of thanks to. She has helped me so much this year and I'm starting to see her grow. Jazzy showed me the strength of a friendship by always being there and taking just a few seconds of her day to say Hi.

This year I will never forget ....it was my year of transformation. It was a growing up year and understanding that I have a lot to live for. I lost friends, and moved away from some good people. I made new friends and will always keep in touch with those that live away from me.
I started to do old things in a new light .... Oh how I still love comics, roleplaying games, lightsabers and movies.

I learned that I have a special friend that no matter what will always have my back, she is my best friend, she has,is and always will be my angel.

Be Well

The walk

There comes a time in every recovery that you know you're about back to normal physically. For me it was today and came in a surprising way, I noticed for the first time in 10 Weeks I was walking faster then Medb. I started to giggle as I strode past her in a normal walk.... Almost no pain to hinder me.  It was an amazing feeling and made me want to cry with tears of happiness.

it's not the first change I'm noticing right now. Over the last few days I've started to get things back on track. I reloaded my iPod and set my music. I've restarted gaming and sitting more,.later today I'll begin to study for college a I prepare for my future. In a few days I'll go and swing and look at courses to improve myself. In 2012 I'll live and just find myself.

Self discovery is a hard task. You never know how you will turn out, but we all have the ability to change ourselves. We all have the power to be the best people we want to be. You just have to accept that you can shape your future and truly believe it. The first rule is simple ..... Stop being your own worst enemy.  Learn to love yourself and the rest of the world opens up.

For myself I have a lot to learn and some heavy Roads to travel. I know how to be self destructive, I know how to put up barriers and not allow myself happiness. That has to change now because in reality ...... I'm worth it.

Be Well

Star Wars

A long time ago on a farm in a province not to far away.....

I grew up during the time of the first and in my opinion only trilogy of star wars. I had so many of the toys and was thrilled by the adventures. I guess they were my Barbies.... being a bit of a loner I lost myself pretending to expand the stories of the universe. My toys got played with and I have many find memories from those days.

A few days ago I got knights of the old republic. A mmo game set in the star wars universe and once playing it brought me right back to my childhood. the music, sound effects and world coming alive in ways it brought a sense of relief to me. It allowed me to feel as thou my experience's were still apart of me. I know it sounds odd however since I started my transition I find myself second guessing my past.

A few days ago Medb joined the game as wellto keep me company and I'm glad she did it adds a very special element to the game. For now I have to jet .... Time to find a woolie companion ... May you be well and the force with you.

Holiday Season

Sometimes memories comes out of know where. While Medb played her new Susan Boyle CD an old Anne Murray cover was played and it caused me to recall how often I heard that song played on my fathers record player or 8 track. I can remember when we had the traditional holidays. We decorated the house, sang Carols, drank hot chocolate and awaited Santa's arrival.  Then I turned 10 and he decided he needed to find himself, as an adult I understand that families break up .... But at that time I couldn't comprehend it.  Over the last 30 years he has hurt me several times until I vowed to cut him out and stop the pain.

From there I watched my mom work herself to death trying to provide for me, for a number of years we delivered flowers during the holiday season to make ends meet. Every year she did her best to make my Christmas special.... Even when she couldn't afford it. The season started to wear on me every year.... Seeing a false facade from so many. A fake smile and cheer with a underlying of fuck you under the surface.

As a father I did my best to make sure our kids had a Christmas. So they wouldn't carry it forward and they could make there own thoughts about the holiday.  Want to see the ugly side of Christmas just work retail for a few years, I still can't handle Christmas Carols. It was then when I decided to stop celebrating the season. I do love the family aspect but the greed of it just got to me.  The final straw was an invitation by a family member a few years ago after I had transitioned . I was allowed to come if I showed upas my former self ..... This was met with a fuck you.

Now this year we have a granddaughter to think of in a few year, and my mom. My mom adores Christmas and lives giving gifts. So this year I gave her the only thing I could think of .... The money to allow her the ability to give Christmas to others since she is on a disability budget.

For me I have to think of how I wish to go forward and stop feeling the pain of past, so I don't carry this into the future.

Be Well

Old Self

I'm sorry I haven't posted the last few week. To be truthful I just wasn't up to it and a lot hash happened. Between incompetent doctors,insurance adjusters and work I've been stressed. The pain has been bad and until today rather constant.
Tonight thou was a nice surprise Medb has been sick and spent most of the night in bed. As we were just resting and surfing on our tabs I happened to see if they had a mame emulator. What is mame? It's an arcade emulator that I've had for years. Well they had a new one out for free ... I downloaded it but it only ran and old ROM set.
They made mention of a program call crlmame that could use the dat file the developer put in the app. I was lost on how to use it... How to do it. I did the best I could puttering around after downloading the file. An hour later I had it done and loaded on my tab. It was like old times and I felt normal for the hour ... No pain and no stress.
It gave me insight to my old self and something I wanted to keep. That sense of curiosity and teaching myself, the feeling of success when it's been accomplished. The thrill of.... I did it and tonight I captured that piece of myself again ....nothing left to say but give me a roll of quarters cause it game time.
Be Well

A Different View

One of the things I learned about this path is that it's not all about you. You have many things to consider with family and friends. They have a choice of going with you down this path or not. They will have varied reactions, they will change to a certain extent. This is their right and does have to be accepted.

I wanted to share what it was like for me to witness the change. I didn't think much would happen when I transitioned after telling everyone. I was open and honest with all even when I should have been slower. That was my choice and I have to accept what happened in those circumstances. I watched the look of shock on everyone ... They all said you need to do what's best for you. I'm happy for you, why are you doing this ? It was generally good initially then time set in. People got a chance to think about it, and then I watched so many change... Some for good and they fully accepted me, others could not bring themselves to be seen with me. Some outright disliked what I did and disowned me for life. To watch people change so drastically leaves a mark with you, it opens your eyes to how quickly people can change. It was a shock to lose some very close friends who I looked up to, considered like a brother to me and watched how blood family can treat you like dirt.

I've made new friends and I know the relationships will change in time. I just hope they won't be as drastic from what I've experienced.

Time to Rest

Perhaps the title should be something else .... I had no clue how worn out I was before surgerytill the last few Weeks. It's no secret I tire easily now, a half day of running and I'm sleeping the next one away. My body is healing well, I've had no problems with infections or bleeding. The stitches and sutures all look good.....but I have no energy.

I figure that has to do with how run down I was before the surgery from work and stress and now I'm being forced to slow down. I will for now but I don't like it I would love to walk and move with out pain. I would love to be able to sit with out a dull ache and sharp pain. I would love to lie down without falling asleep.

I know it will come over the next few months, I just have to be patient. The pain is a positive sign because it means the nerves were not destroyed in the surgery. While I am awake it's a good thing because I've got to spend time with Medb.

Tomorrow I'll be stronger :)

Geeking Out

Well the last few weeks I've had time on my hands to just rest and recoup. Having no work and not having the strength to sit countless hours I started to console game again. Collect comics and veg watching movies. Part of me feels guilty and is having this need to work, the other part of me is saying shut the fuck up you need this time.

So I'm doing what's best for me ..... Learning to relax some and develop some new hobbies and break one old bad habit.... Working to long at the expense of everything else. ALL it got me was a kick in the head and it didn't help me. So from now on I'm going to do what's best for me and my family.

Tonight it was nice I got to play some fighting games on xbox live with Adam ... I lost a lot, however for me it brought back some familiarity from before. Playing and just having fun .... Didn't matter if I lost just have fun. Next up .... Photography with my best friend , my angel something that we both enjoy .... Then who knows

Friendship

Since I started down this path I've learned what true friendship is, and what aquaintences are. I was honest with everyone when I started, prehaps to much so in some cases. I don't regret that but it strained some. I was lucky in the way things went mosr were supportive. A few couldn't handle it well or refused to, fair enough.

Some friendships I walked on by my choice... Others just never took place for whatever reason. In Calgary I had very few friends but I cherished those closely. Peter was one of Kara's new friends, while I met him briefly as Ian we never really started talking till after I came out.  He never let me down and when I couldn't take being alone at home he made sure I got out. I loved our movie nights... Not so much for the movie but for the talks, jokes and silliness we did leading up to them.

When I got to Vancouver I didn't know what to expect from those who remained here as it's been three years. Some like Justin and Steph never changed ... Scott and Deneise as well very close still and I love their children.. This week I got to awnser alex's question ... "Yes it did hurt a lot." One old friend is gone and others are question marks in my mind. Do I need them in my life... Do they enrich my life and do I enrich theirs?

Tonight was a great night as I reconnected with an old co worker and friend. Medb and I met them for dinner and shared some laughs, old stories and for me a comforting feeling as I was treated like nothing had really happened and we will get to hang out more in the near future.

I look forward to the coming years as I get to meet new folks, let them see me as who I really am and blossom. I love being able to not lie to them anymore. 

Be Well

Turning point

There comes a time when a person comes thru surgery and knows they are getting better. Mine came today after the last few days of some bad pain and extream moodiness.  I'm not quite over it yet but I can feel more of myself coming back. I feel more creative vibrant and alive. I don't feel as drug down as I have and I want to be more active.

I marked the day by putting the donut aside its causing me more pain and soreness using it. It's a good thing to feel like you're getting better and stronger :) ... Last week the wii, less the 4 weeks the pool and aquafit.classes to get stronger.... Next back to workouts .... Then school.

This phase was temporary ... Next up the rest of my life

Be Well

Lest We Forget

Today marks the 13th international transgendered day of remembrance. A day we remember those lives cut short by act of violence just because we are seen as less then human. A perception that is born by intolerance and bigotry, spread by close minded individuals that often use religion as a misguided weapon. The facts speak for themselves, a transgendered individual is 20 times more likely to be murdered then the average person and 1000 times more likely to be the victim of an aggravated assault.  All this despite being an almost invisible minority.
We hear you, sure you can express yourself , but don't use the bathroom in public because you prey on children. It's as stupid as saying don't leave your children around a catholic priest because he will molest them. It's all built on fear, lies and misinformation. We are routinely fired or let go by constructive dismissal. The loss of family and friends sometimes push a transgendered individual into an unhealthy or unsafe relationship for human contact. How can we in this day and age allow a person with a medical condition to be put into this kind of cycle.
For myself today I say a prayer for those who have lost those lives trying to be themselves. I say a prayer for the world to learn, accep tand break this cycle of abuse on your children, brothers, sisters,husbands and wives. I pray that we will break the intolerance and bigotry one day.
I mourn the loss of old friendships and what could have been.
I give thanks to those who chose to let me into those lives and showed me love and acceptance.
I celebrate my freedom, my life and my future.
BE WELL

Day Of Rest

Ok so after a very hectic day yesterday I've learned not to over do it. I just can't take it yet... I just don't have the strength yet. I spent last.Wed waking early getting to the doctor, to the bank, then race to Langley,then race to richmond in a 3 hour window. To long sitting and driving .

In the end it took till 630.to get home .... Today I picked up a new prescription, had sticky bun and laid down off my ass with an ice pack. I do feel better and tomorrow I hope to do it again and get the pain under control.

I'm at my first stage of healing and it looks good... In 30 more days I'll be better yet... In 60 more even better :) just got to live thru it, smile and enjoy the time.

Fear of Contact

Something I've noticed is being afraid of others touching me in my new surgical area's ... I flinch if the cat gets to close. I don't like applying pressure there yet and I don't know. I've found myself guarded way to much... And I need to find a way to relax and pull the stick out of my ass.

There is no reason for it really. The breast.augumentation has healed and the scars look great. The new bottom is looking good and healing well even if I over do it. So I know its psychological and with me. Speaking with several girls they are all excited and curious... And here I am scared that I'll be hurt... Like a china doll.

Is it because I fear myself ? Is the new feelings that I fear ? Or prehaps its a holdover from the past and I just have to girl up and face it.

Time will tell on this matter.... Tomorrow I get to enter a realm I'm familliar with arguing with a buracrat and getting thru stupid rules that make no sense to get a simple matter resolved.

For tonight everyone Be Well

Why I hate Apple

Most times a company gets bigger the worse they get. Case in point Apple, I use to love the company from the first time I got an iPod mini in metallic pink. I've had the touch an iPhone 3Gs but I doubt after tonight I'll ever buy another product from them again.

I watched them tonight erase my fiancee's iPhone and iPad because she upgraded the operating system to 5.1 the program did not agree with a few songs she had put on the iTunes program. So it reauthorized her computer and erased all the apps she paid for. Now while restoring them was easy she lost all the data on the app. 4 years worth gone.... Because apple didn't like the fact she got her music outside of iTunes or wasn't ripped by iTunes.

The company needs to learn they are no longer the best anymore, there are tons of solutions like the galaxy s 10.1 that I'm blogging on right now. The google devices allow your own content, more video playback, backing up of your apps and work. They also do flash and allow outside sources to use.... Your iShit looks nice and is controlled by apple and that's the truth because once you buy it, what gives them the right to change it or remove it without permission.

Tonight apple lost 2 CUSTOMERS  because we refuse to feed there corporate beast any more

Be Well

The First 30 Days

Wow ... It's been a month already and its hard to believe. Last month I was sitting in montreal waiting to get wheeled up for surgery. I was suppose to go second thou I went first. I sat there thinking of any reason for me to say stop, I'm not ready... And I couldn't think of one.

All the way to the epodoral needle.... All I could say is "better make sure I wake up or you won't be leaving this hospital alive" to the anthesiologist. Awake I did in thr recovery room, sore disorientated and wanting to see and hear my angel.... To let her know that I was alright.

Here I am a month later about to go to bed and marking each small thing as an accomplishment. I'm healing very well :) I took the time to sleep and recover physically. I need to work on mentally because Its all changed.

My goal for the upcoming week is to start studying for my GED and start looking at college. I know I can do this because I'll be damned if I continue the way I've been going.

30 days isn't alot but they are to me ... The best thing I've felt in this month.... My grand daughters head on my shoulder and the look in her eyes when I held her... Priceless  lets see what the next 30 are.

Be Well
Jys

Hugs

A long day today but one filled with an emotional joy thats hard to describe. I spent the morning getting ready for the doctor and after we went to see the kids. It was a short visit as we had to head home but I got to see my grand daughter Amaya :)

She is a cutie and just over a year old and growing fast. I haven't had a chance to get to know her as we were living in Calgary and with the surgery just haven't had the time to see her.
When we got there the kids were relaxing and Amaya started to stand grinning at Medb asking for hugs, she got picked up and cuddled. Then she turned and reached for me with this adorable smile. She got placed in my arms and cuddled right in, her head tucked on my shoulder and it felt right.

I melted as she smiled at me, bunted my head and gave me baby kisses. She is my grand daughter and will always be special to me. I've been weepy all day as I recall the feeling I had of her in my arms. It's an amazing feeling ... I already know I'll need to steal her in 6.years or so for a disney trip.

Ty Amaya for a memory.and emotion I'll never forget.

Taking care of buisness

A long day today but productive. I have to keep reminding myself that its barely been a month since surgery. I'm expecting to much to fast , today was a three hour trip to merritt from surrey. While I wouldn't normally do this trip yet, I had no choice in it .

Got my pain killers refilled more then a,months worth, I got my forms released to the MY general phtsican who can communicate with manulife for my benefits. I also got to see my mom... So it was a good productive trip, but I'm sore and,needing time to recoup.

I'm glad we stayed the night so tomorrow will be an easier trip home :)

Be Well

Cuddle Time

Ok I have to say right now the thing I miss most is ..... Cuddle time with medb.  While its not that I don't want too but its the fact that I can't lie on my side for to long.

It robs me of the ability to comfort her and let her know it will be all right. It also robs me of having her cuddle me and allowing me to just melt.

I know that this is just short term and like all things it will pass. Right now thou tonight it reallly sucks .

Day of Strength

HooooHaaaaawww ..... Something that started with a youngman named Tim who I met on my first visut to Montreal. On your first day after surgery they make you walk around the nurses station. Well tim on his first lap let out the HooooHawww and others that followed. I took it a bit further making jokes and encouraging others to say it. For personal note I did 8 laps on first day 3 in the morning 5 after dinner :).

The reason I bring this up today is because it deserves it ... Today I drove, had lunch out, shopped a bit and did some personal business. After getting home and icing up I did my aftercare a bit late... Then played some lotro before finishing up the night.

I didn't sleep during the day, didn't have a lot of pain and returned to some form of normalicy in my life. Every day I'm getting better and I'm feeling good... No I didn't have a eurphoric high the day of or any time else, and in ways I'm glad I didn't .... Cause what goes up comes down. What I have is an inner peace, much like I felt 3 years ago when I first came out.

What next ..... Swimming lol only 6 weeks away or so... But thats another post. Till then please

Be Well 

On The Mend

Well its been over a week since I got home and physically I'm healing but what about mentally.
I don't know how to respond to that, my body feels strange to me still and as Llyn has said my conversation is lacking mostly focused on my after care and schedules.
I don't want this to become the case, like Red Dwarf I don't want to become like the Toaster a one dimension character. Yes I can say I'm happy but I feel like I'm trapped in A 3 hour cycle all say right now. I feel weak as my ability to lift and help is diminished and the worst part I can't hold Llyn the way I want to.
This is temporary I know and I do want a quick fix where there isn't. So I need to adjust, a gentle hand on her back in a special spot to let her know I'm there. Help with some light housework to feel I'm doing something. Most importantly I need to get back to just being myself and push back my fears of my new body.
It's an active choice I have to make....
To all Be Well

Medical Unfairness

So I put my short term disability into Glentel back on Oct 6th and as of this writing I've yet to have been approved for the short term disability. I find this odd as I know a few transwomen who have had the same surgery and used the same insurance company and was approved. So here I sit unsure almost three weeks later.
When I do call and talk with my human resources at work they say no determination has been made yet as top the validity of the claim. That it appears to be elective surgery. Please tell me an elective surgery that requires a specialized surgeon, a general doctor, an endocrinologist and 2 psychiatrists to sign off on.

It makes me feel like second class because I do have bills to pay, I have given a lot to my company for 9 years and rarely use my benefits that I pay into every two weeks and when I need help .... welll just wait and maybe you'll go away.

People think I am crazy but when a coworker comes down with Cancer or another condition they have no control over people rally around and makes things happen. Come out trans and a majority of folks just walk away and you fight for everything.

Do I regret the descion, not at all and I would do it all over again, but we need people to understand that like cancer a true transgender had no control over what way their body developed. When they seek help to correct it we need to give them the same level of support and understanding because regardless we are all human.

Why I'm Glad My Fiancée Got Sick

Ok... to start with I wish she hadn't been ill at all during the trip to Montreal. however she was and something good did come out of it. When I got out of surgery she was right there to make sure I was ok. A look of worry and love in her eyes that few will ever see. How do you measure up to a woman who for the last few years has been my rock. My coach and cheer leader and stood beside me as my friend, my lover and my Fiancee.... she even recommitted in Montreal with a new dolphin ring I found that matched her bracelet. Thru the hospital and the first few days she was there.

Shortly after I got back to the residence she started having a cold, and for the safety of the others and myself stayed away for 3 or 4 days so we wouldn't catch it. This all happened as I had my package and mould removed and started after care.. I knew had Medb been there she would have helped out and fussed over me. Giving me a few days to learn the routine and ease me into it.  This time it was just me.... I had to deal with some issues about looking at myself and touching myself that I struggle with and in the end it made me stronger.

I can hardly believe its almost been two weeks since I started this road and I'm getting better at it.... going to be proud of myself today. Got up started.... finished and went out for grocery's, got a temp phone number... thank you Glentel for shutting off my Demo line when I needed it most and picked up some supplies.
I am getting stronger every day, and I feel alive but unsure about this all. Do I regret it at all   nope not one bit. Am I freaked out  yet.... but one things starting to come back and that is a pattern... Medbs cold hit her a bit so I get to take care of her :)

Be Well

Hesitation

I find myself late at night waiting to do my last dilation of the day. It's not because they hurt because so far they haven't. I find my self having to work up the courage to do them and I don't know why. One girl here has a very valid reason she associates the dilatation with an old memory that causes her to regress and relive something traumatic from her past.

I just have a mental problem and a physical problem touching myself, and I need to suck it up somehow. Find a way to not look like it's a chore. Only I have the way to control this and make it different. Overall this week I've over come a lot. dealing with blood and changes to my body. Battling hot flashes hormones,a son I want to smack and making a change for the positive.

good or bad its what you make it .... and its only 20 min really just clean up after and just relax it into you.

Good Night all

Why I Did It

At the end of the day we all get asked:  if you are content being female, why go to such lengths, if you say it's just in your brain?  The answer is simple:  it empowers me to be acknowledged as my identified gender.  It feels right to be called her, she, Miss, Ma'am, bitch.  It gives me a sense of self.  In my achievements, my failures, my contributions, are at least directed the way they should be.  I lived too many years fighting within myself when someone said "He did a great job for me" because it didn't sound right, it didn't feel right.  It felt it was somebody else's  achievement.

Since the surgery, this will open up more doors for me.  This will allow my passport to have an "F" on it with no limitations.  I can no longer be disqualified for insurance purposes because I put an "F" instead of an "M" down, and legally my rights for discrimination against being female will actually take effect, not be stuck in some limbo.  Does this exclude me as being Trans?  Not in the least.  I just have designer parts instead of genetics.

I've had a lot of firsts this week.  First real use of pads, the feeling of something "filling" me has been disconcerting, strange, yet right all at the same time.  True lack of pure male hormones.  And since the surgery, I am now turned around and seeing I've just walked out of the house, into the wide world.  A truly frightening yet exhilarating experience.  Only time will tell what happens.  As for now, I think I'll shuffle over to a tree, rest in a hammock with my fiance, and see what tomorrow brings.

Afternoon Stroll

If you were to say I was going to be outside having a stroll at 4pm this afternoon when I woke up this morning, I would have said that you were nuts.

It's amazing how fast the human body can actually heal. 48 hours ago, just after my surgery I was confined to my bed, dependent on nurses to help clean myself and booties to keep my circulation going. 24 hours later, I was doing laps around the nurses' desk (and, as a nod to Tim, I got 8 HooHa's). And even after a night of slightly painful sleep, I didn't think I would be getting out of bed much today.

But I surprised myself by wanting to take a lap of the house and to smell the fresh rain outside, it reminds me of being at home in Vancouver. And thank god it wasn't snow. Those breaths really made me feel alive.

As to how I am, the only word I can sum it up with is "whole".

I Constented to WHAT ???!!!???

Actually it's not as bad as the title made it out to be. I'm writing this at the hotel with Medb and a very close friend Jen. While this should be my first night at the residence getting to know my shuffle mates, I opted to take the day and relax with Medb and spend one last night with her before I'm admited to the hospital for surgery some time wed morning.

What got to me was the consent form's I had to sign and one in practicular that said I consent to the amputation of the penis and testicals. This gave me a moment to pause because it's a relization that you're asking for a qualified surgeon to cut and amputate something to make you feel like you're the way you should have been. It's a reality check that you need to make, you need to make sure that in your mind, and in your spirit or soul that this is what you really want. How important is it to you, and what will you gamble ?

Fact check for this surgery... I'm going to say first that you need to make sure you're ready to go thru with this and the aftercare required for this... It's not something you rush into. There are a number of risk factors up to and including death. Infection, pain,revisons are a possibility, skin grafts are required if you don't have enough skin ... um yeah that will probably be me unless I'm realllly lucky.

So I ask myself what am I willing to gamble... what am I willing to risk to achieve this? Most would say I've come out lucky and beaten the house and do you need the surgery really to be happy.  That's something thats a different call for everyone.... For me yes I have to go all the way and do the compete surgery. Why.... as in my title of the blog It's all about me and I'm being very open .... Why ? ... Because I have a very hard time touching myself even for basic cleaning, some might say TMI. However it is the truth and I can't go around not looking, or touching it and feeling it is alien to me. I'm ashamed of my genital's and mentaly it is affecting me.

Will this fix me and make me perfect .... No it won't. It will however make me feel like I should be, it will allow me to remove a roadblock in my life and open a ton more. It will allow me to grow and develop as I should have. I leanred over the last two years that I have no control over others reactions, I just have to trust and accept that it will work out like it should.

Be Well

Sleepless night

Change.... regardless or not it always happens and not always what you think it might be. It's early Sunday morning and I'm having trouble sleeping, all nerves for sure. The last three weeks have been a whirlwind for me. They have seen me off hormones for the first time in almost three years. My last shifts at glentel and leaving something that I've known for almost a decade. Last but not least a physical change that will match what's inside and what feels right to me, and this is just the beginning of change.

My mind isn't here its almost a year ahead trying its best to map out all the possible outcomes... a task that is failing because you can't map out every possible scenario. Change is coming faster then I realized, school something that I've haven't done since dropping out in grade 8 because I couldn't cope with it. New direction for work ... something I enjoy to do for just pocket money.... and a body with few limitations.

I just popped my head into the bedroom to watch Medb sleep, and my emotions choked up because she is so beautiful and I love her so much. I've been able to keep a lot back when she is awake cause I can fuss. I wonder how things will be after this... and as I start to worry I'm forced to remind myself that's for her to decide not me. Just like before its one day at a time.

I look at the dynamics my friendships have developed since I started and I'm grateful that I can be open and I have some wonderful friends. Thru the last week so many have been supportive most wondering if I'm sure... Yeah I am... no regrets in doing this. My only regret was lying to my angel when we first met, I wish I had the strength to be honest then.

So in 4 hours I'll be getting up if I can sleep and start the journey to Montreal confident that this is the right path. That I am truly loved by my angel and my friends and the fact that I no longer have to lie to people about who I am. Am I scared ... Yes but not by the surgery itself, not by the aftercare, but by the unknown factors I now face. my body is no longer a limitation ... hello swimming pool LOL.

Be Well all

Testosterone Returns

Well after two weeks the hormones started to hit me ... this time with testosterone. While a number of girls report being hyper emotional, crying and the such.. my experience has been wanting to hit something. Preferably  with a heavy shield and bludgeon it to a pulp, I know not a good quality but I'm being honest.

In some ways I've really missed it , the strength and more energy and it also helps power the sex drive. While I won't have as much in my system as I use to I will have the natural amount that girls have so It will be an improvement.

Today was a test and I did get to goto the Transgender health board and sit in on a meeting. They don't know how blessed they are that they have the MSP backing this and looking at it seriously. A very stark contrast from Alberta, I'm seriously looking at making a contribution here. I know I can make a difference however I need to look at myself first and get over my surgery.

Oh well off to bludgeon orcs for a bit

Be Well all

Sympathy Lies Right Between Shit and Syphilis

Ok I'm going to girl and admit this ... I'm scared right now about the surgery. I'm not worried if this is the right step for me because I know it is. I'm not afraid of dying on the table either cause I don't fear death. I'm afraid of the surgery itself and not being able to control it or the pain that follows it.  That is my issue right now and for the past few weeks I've been storing that fear up and doing my best to control it.

It's been hard to do, some people who have gone threw the same surgery that I'm going to keep going on about the pain. It's not helping me any because my mind has a wonderful way of taking this and twisting it into so much worse. Being sick the last few days hasn't helped either, my temper is short and I'm cranky.

So I'm going to do what I can to do pain management....  I would rather take the pain of every step I take and be fucking grateful I'm no longer inside a shell hiding my face from the world. I would rather have the pain when I dilate instead of having a genital that's alien to me. I would rather have the pain that makes me know that I'm alive... instead of being like the walking dead. I will manage my pain with grace and dignity because I am grateful and humbled that I made it to this point in my life.

I will not tell others how much pain I'm in but will tell them how much I feel alive.
I will not let pain force me to not do something unless it risks my health.
I will not succumb to letting others feel pity for me they will feel my joy of being free.
and should I not get off the table ... I want others not to mourn but celebrate my life.
I will live a life of love and not hate  and do the best to make every day my last day.

My Mom had a saying sympathy rest right between shit and Syphilis in the dictionary and I can see her point because it robs us of our strength to stand and fight if we let others do it for us. So when my times comes I'm going to do what every woman has... put my big girl panties on, suck up the pain and move forward and heaven help who ever gets in my way.

You can take that to the bank

Success ?

The words have already started to come... it's getting close are you excited. I am... but not for the reason people think. I am excited for the next phase of my life, school and changes in the way I do things. Regarding my surgery... not at all, no fear, no excitement. It just is what it is a procedure and a minor step in my life really.

For some what I am saying will be met with that's bullshit... you don't know what its like and that will change when you're done. It might but right now this is my reality and my take on it. My hormonal withdrawl has been minimal and not what I expected. I feel within my self that I have already moved past the surgery and its now just a formality.

I went with Rache on our movie night to see Moneyball. There was a scene in the movie where watching a replay of a game we see a heavy set player make a hit and runs towards first. He has never made second base decides to try and as he rounds first stumbles and falls. Frantically crawls towards first and makes it, seeing the fear in his eye for even trying to be more.  A few moments later he learns that hit went 60 feet over the wall for a home run.

 This brings into mind are we afraid to dream and reach for more and risk the fear of failing over the risk of success.  Or should we just accept what we know we can do and never reach for more?

Somewhere in the past year I moved on and hit that home run, but because I was so worried about the possibility of not having the surgery because of my diabetes.  I stumbled and tried to cling to first base not observing what had transpired and only now I  can accept that beautiful feeling of a home run. today I rounded second and soon will hit third base.... and next April I will make home plate by taking my first college class.

All this makes me wonder... what will happen next time I'm up to bat

Well I Made a Commitment

Wasn't a big one but I had to chuckle about it ... I opened a comic box. First one in over three years to be exact just before I left for Calgary. I know that it doesn't sound like much, but for me its a return to some form of normalcy. Didn't do to many comics just a handful of issues and asked to get complete runs on some certain issues to start with.

Why did I do it, perhaps to find a place to fit in again, Yes I've transitioned and yes the end of this chapter is coming to a close. It's time to start the next stage and move forward and yes I'm a comic geek, always have been and always will be. It was funny that it was a girl who first got me into comics, Janie... I wonder where she is now. She got me into X-men, and Swamp Thing and so many others and now I can truly make this my own and see what I collect.

Wonder what I'll decide to do tomorrow... maybe I'll run a hundred miles if it will make me smile :)

The Test Drive

Well I've taken this path now for over 2 1/2 years now, and I'll say the test drive was a success. Some say the real life test is a boring and silly... hurry up and change me already I know what I want. I I I I I .... they forget that its not all about them, but for everyone else to wrap their brain around what's happened. It's a chance to live in the identified roll and experience what they deny themselves ... life.  I've loved and hated the last two years cause guess what growing up sucks and second puberty is a bitch. I've loved getting a chance to flesh out who I am... I've only come a short ways and a life time to grow but it's there.

The life experience is not about passing or failing but getting a chance to see if this is what you want and who you are. Some start this road and find out it's not them. There is nothing wrong with that. Some get into the real life test and are happy to stay there, not wishing the surgery but find comfort in just being accepted as a member of their identified gender. Others go all the way and have a crisis when they do the surgery and stop doing now what.

For myself the two years have been unreal, and I'm happy where I am . Medb pointed out that as Kara I've grown more in 3 years then I ever did as Ian... I can feel it. I'm happier then I ever was. I'm starting to figure out what I like and know in the coming year I'll be adding more to that year. As I heal from surgery I'll be cracking the books, learning a language, working out, swimming, starting airbrush, re doing my make up skills, and fulfilling an personal promise of getting a university education.

I'm Intelligent, I'm worth it  and I will be the best that I can be

Lazy Saturday

An interesting lazy Saturday that saw me just rest and enjoy. It started with a slow wake up by my angel and just resting. A quick stop to the comic store and gulp I actually bought some comics. A drive out to delta and a nice long walk on the beach with Medb and then a bite of sushi ... nice and relaxing loved it. 

Back to the grind tomorrow with only 9 more shifts 

It's what you make it

I sat today resting my legs as they hurt so much, taking some time for me and not really caring if I sold anything. I had some time to reflect on something someone said to me while in Montreal. That I didn't really have a tough transition.

No I didn't and I'll tell you why.... I took it and made it what I wanted. A chance to grow up in a new way. I made mistakes, and learned from them. I learned how to let other grieve and transition with you. I learned what happen when you force changes on others. I learned that while you lose some you gain some. I learned that when you look at it , its something we should all do in one form or another. You choose to make it easy or hard its as simple as that.

If you piss and moan about it, you give that out. If you look at it as new and exciting you get that. Yes the laws are stacked against us, and we have so many hoops to jump threw and its hard. Anything worth while in life is hard and in the end you will become what you put into it. When I lie for my surgery next month it will be 1 month short of 3 years... and I really wouldn't have it any other way.

If you're reading this and thinking of transitioning, or questioning take to heart that it will be what you make it. The surgery should you choose this path is just a step, and what you're really doing is making a healthy life change so make it a good one.

Be Well

Reflections

I know this has taken me a few days to get back to form, and I know I'm still a bit jet lagged. Montreal was not what I had really expected, It turned out to be way more.  From the moment Dr Brassard  said yes everything calmed down. My fears of being stuck in the middle for a long period of time evaporated. Work is becoming more finite and I understand that this is not Kara's gig.

I need something more in my life and so now I find myself excited for school and taking some time to sttudy for jan 18th. Then April for school and a fresh start. The surprising thing I have found , is the fact I have no rush for the surgery. It's not a focus .. it just is.

Well for tonoght I'm going to cuddle my angel and just rest over the next few days and get better.

Saying Good-Bye

I sit here at the end of a very emotional day, and had you asked me this time what my blog would be it wouldn't have been this one....

Veronica was Medb's mom and when I met her for the first time it was at an airport just as Medb and I started dating. There plane was 8 hours late almost 1 am when they rolled in. Here I was with Medb's car so they could get home safe.  I made a good impression and over the years she took me into her family and treated me as one of her's. It was rare as she never did like her daughters husbands or boyfriends. She helpped us when I couldn't carry the load, she made it possible to take my make up course... she taught me a lot.

She then got sick almost 5 years and as her condition worsened and her memory faded I transitioned. and I never got to say good bye. When she passed last year I was well into my second year of being full time. As the family didn't know I told my Fiancee to go and I would be a cousin of Ian. I sat in the back during her funeral  to respect her and not overshadow her passing.

Its been over a year since that day, and this morning after a shower and preparing to see the surgeon. I had laid down for a few minutes and fell into a deep sleep. I don't remember much about the dream but I could clearly hear her voice, and she was fussing over me and I looked at her asking her why she was fussing. and her words hit me to the core... she said because I have another beautiful daughter and she is a lady. I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I feel that today I had a chance to let go and she said good bye by accepting me as who I truly am ... I miss her so much and I love her and will always look after her grandkids and great grand children.

and on another note the surgeon said yes

River Walk

One of things I've learned in Montreal is they love to bike and walk... a short walk to them is 3km's , that's how far it was from the residence to the hospital where rache had been dropped off. I'm out of shape cause the walk killed me a bit but gave me some time to reflect on what this might be like in Oct when its my turn. I'm taking medb approach on this one. I don't want to get my hopes up to be turned down. I know if it doesn't go that way I will be hurt.

My mind is my own worse enemy and I've given it to much power over my entire life for so long, that its a hard habit to break or to walk away from. Medb has said if they say no we can look at thailand, and for the last several months I've tried to think if I can just live like this as I have for the last few years. With forms and high dose hormones, or just de transtition and live as I was born content in the knowledge that I know who I am regardless of how I look.

Having my operation is not life and death, no matter what I feel it's only a step in this place we call life. On the other side I can't de transition and live my life as a man and having the whole world see me and interact like I'm male because I'm not and I won't crawl back into a shell. High dose hormones won't be an option either as over time they will just weaken me more and cause me to have more health problems.

AS I walked closer to the hospital i took a moment to look around me and see the families playing at the park , young lovers embraced in a kiss and people just having fun. This is what life is all about living,,, and i have to keep in mind that no matter what happens tomorrow I'm still alive and that it won't be the end of the world just another step and hurdle to get over. Looking back I've cleared over everyone and nothing is going to stop me ....

I do wish Medb was here tonight but I will be home soon in 4 days or so 

Be Well All

Culture Shock

I'll admit that I haven't been many places in my life with only two provinces that I've called home and no real travelling outside of that. Well how could I've been in a work mode for so long I've never had time to just travel and relax.

While I'm coming to Montreal in Oct I won't get a chance to see much more then an inside of the hospital and residence. Rache asked me to come with her for a week while she goes for her's and I'm getting a chance to see the city where my Fiancee grew up. I so wish she was here right now, I would love to hear her memories of places here. The city is really clean and the culture is so different then vancouver and makes alberta look so backwards.

The people are different here in the way they approach you and the old saying of the west coast being so laid back is true. Seeing buildings from the 1700 is something and to hear history from some locals was something to see... I also learned that they have a ton of weddings on Saturdays . After I heal I'll want to come back to see it all , walking with Medb to hear her stories and memories and truly enjoy all the city has to offer ,,,, must be with just for laughs thou

Letting Go

Sometimes you just have to let go of people when you don't want to but you need to because it's best for you. Tonight I have to let go of a friend that I've had for about 8 years now, but since the transition we have grown apart. Despite trying to reconnect with him since coming back to Vancouver I have to accept the fact that our friendship evolved into different directions.

I met him a number of years ago and when I started this road I had thought he would have been one of the ones to fully support it and be there as a true friend. I was wrong but as I've said before you never know what this path throws at you or what will become of it. He first said to me when I started that in the end I would be alone with only trans friends... well three years later I have to say he was wrong about that one. He also gave me some great advice... he told me Kara never ask any ones permission to be yourself its no ones business but yours.

He made a real effort to get to know me while I was in Vancouver before I left and we spoke during my time in Calgary and one day he stopped taking my calls, no matter what time I called he never answered. The past month I've tried to leave him several messages but he has't left word back. I don't blame him but I will miss him and perhaps one day things may be different.

However for now goodbye B .... I will truly miss you my friend

Controlled Calm

As much as I would like to think I'm calm right now I know I'm not.... far from it really. The reason is my fear that due to my blood sugar they will not operate on me for my surgery in Oct. I'm sure that its all in my head right now but it has been praying on me and effecting me at work and home. Today was the first day in two weeks I have actually written sales lol ... thou I was at the PNE and people were ripping out credit cards with out a hitch.

I take my test on Sept 6th and will have the results sent to Montreal and meet with Dr. Brassard on the 12th to see what it says and get word from the surgeon. Until then I will do just do my very best to take my mind off of it and relax cause I need it. :)

Why it's not all about me....

Me myself and I walk into a bar... please stop me if you've heard this one. 

I've seen so may posts and blogs about CD's and TG's that boil it all down to look at me I'm special, oh look what they did to me. They forget to look around them and see those around them. How do they feel about it, do they make others uncomfortable. How do there actions effect those around them. Do they stop to think if I acted differently or approached it differently would my outcome be different.

Most won't get that far, as they fixate to much on themselves and don't see how much they damage those around them. They get so soaked up in I can't do this, I lost this, I get picked on. For CD's its mostly a fashion show about how great do I look, do I pass and so on. For TG's they don't take the time to sometimes fully explain it to others so they can understand. For CD's its just a hobby and something fun to do or they are compelled to do it. 

Yes the title of my blog is All about me.... but more so on a deeper level about knowing the true person, the girl at the heart of this as I try to grow. The important ones in my life are those that choose to stand with me, those who chose to love me as me. Without them really who would I become, would I grow without being challenged. I've learned that those who take the time to grow with me end up being stronger themselves. 

You can't grow when it's all about you, it has to be about everyone. That's the key to being a better you, it about sharing yourself and enjoying what others really share with you. It's about listening to others no matter what, its about encouraging others to reach for there dreams, it's about watch them succeed and fail. It's about sharing laughter and yourself, because you will get it back.

When it stops being about just you .... it grows into some so much more... it grows into life.  

The Next Step

Today I take my first step in the next stage of my life and I'm really excited. If all goes well next April I'll be starting college with an eye on getting a Doctorate of Psychology. It's an exciting path that I'm starting and a scary one all at the same time. For myself this is something I need to do and make a new path for myself.

My first step is the GED .... little known fact is that I dropped out of school and need it to advance :). My goal is to have it done by January so I can register for college in April. Then its time for a new path in life, a new start and I'm not afraid to say a better life. My path in retail sales is closing soon and for once in my life I'm going to make it mine and do what I want to do.

That's the difference right now.... going from the everyday grind to the grind of being a student. I would cite my age as being a handicap but I have a few women that I admire for doing the same thing I am doing. One is Jazzy watching her work and go to school supporting her family. More importantly I watched Medb go from the GED and graduate an advanced course on Massage therapy.

It's all about taking the steps to get there and not letting anything stop you. I will be Dr. Kara deWinter or Dr. Jys to the kids .... first step the GED

The Real Transition....

Well I survived the day lol... wasn't a real chore just a day of boredom really. I had a new girl ask me today about transition was it exciting, all about the surgery and she asked me what she should expect.  This is what I said to her.

Transition is a period of growth and learning, it isn't just about hormones and operations and clothes. The hormones are nothing more then a tool, and the surgery is just a small step in the grand scheme of things. Transition is so much more and I feel sorry for those that rush to just get to a surgery and that's all they think about. Because after that what do they have. 

You get to learn what the other side lives like, you step into a new world. New Roles and actually live and breathe it. you feel for the first time the power of a compliment, the power of a smile, you feel how words and action can make your day .... or hurt and put you down. You feel how different it is how men and women interact with you.  How you feel when you make others laugh and cry when you share a story or memories. 

Transition is about making new friends, new choices and new paths in life.....

Transition is about going on new career paths and trying something you always wanted to do....

Transition is about re inventing yourself to being what you want to be ....

Transition is about making plenty of new little choices .....

Transition most importantly is temporary and just a phase to the next point of your life.... Then its time for a new transition

 

Transition is not just a stage for trasngenders its for everyone on one scale or another, you just have to make the choice to change. You just have to want to change, learn and adapt. You can work at what ever you want,  learn to be anything you want, and really just be a better you.

You just have to want to change :) 

What If ....

There's times I wonder what would have been, had nature not messed up? I listen to jazzy talk about her youth, cruising with girl friends listening to rock music. I listen to Rachel tell of her teen years with friends.  I then think about my childhood and I can remember sleeping and going to work. I was the loner in almost every sense of the word.

From childhood sitting under desks looking out at other kids playing, not knowing where I fit it. To school where I didn't socialize with others, not because I didn't want to I just couldn't.

My last year of school was in grade 8, a year of being bullied until I put one kids head between a locker door and the post. He got 68 stitches and I got time to sit in with the school councillor. 

That was my last year in school I followed up with a few years of home schooling. Went to work full time at the age of 13... fast forward to today.

Things happened to me the last few months the hardest one was in Vegas. I found myself in an afterhours club with Jaz and Rachel. I had a large man grab my ass that ended putting me in a panic mode. In short order I found myself back to feeling like the kid sitting under the desk. I didn't like the feeling that it brought me, I didn't like the feeling of being alone. 

Vegas gave me some fun memories, it opened up something in me and made me realize that I don't want to control myself as much. I want to feel more then I've allowed myself to feel. I know that my time with my company is coming to an end. I feel that I've gone way to long and with all the changes coming I need to start fresh. 

Medb has told me that when I go to college and university thing will change and it will be an experience, I sure hope it will be. I asked myself today is it to late to make new experiences .... Instead of a negative you're to old.... I heard hell no :) 

perhaps I'm changing a few things already 

Happy for friends

Some days its hard to believe a year has gone by so quickly. For me this week will have a lot of emotion so I'm going to start it off with a happy note.  Tonight I got word from Jazzy that she had reconnected with a long lost family member and I was excited for her :) . It was fantastic to hear her be so excited and to be able to take part in a way of support.

She has supported me thru out the last year by always being there as a friend. I don't think she has missed a day my messenger or bbm has not had something on it. Like Sheri and a few others they are true and real friends. They have given me something I really hadn't had before.... but how could I have had them. I didn't love myself or care about myself.

This year has taught me that you need to truly be at peace with yourself and other will re-enter your life and make it positive. last year I felt alone... today I look at those that I have met Jazz, Rache, Sheri, Peter and Mark and understand that they like me for me. Not what I can do for them .... I look with pride at those that have stood by me thru all of this  Scott, Denese, Justin, Steph, Jen and Taylor and realize that they all saw something in me that I couldn't see before. They want to know Kara as much as I try to find out who I am. 

It's a great feeling to have :)

Odd Week

I can say this was an emotional and odd week for myself. I had finally got to spend some real time with my mom. Met her new friend Freida and for the first time in a long time, someone I couldn't read.

The break down on friday was hard but by saturday I was over it. Better then I would have been a few years ago. Medb and I spoke last night about what I will do during my break and heal up time... What hobby can take up some time.
Again I find myself staring at a blank wall.

What do I wish to do, to try and expand my experiences. I know I can't just play games or dev on IMVU because ill be bored in a week. My fall back work will not be an option.... Do I try to draw again, knit, something else? I've ruled out bungee jumping till next year, so I've got one thing off a list.

Time will tell I'm sure.... Well better get selling now

Be well

Bad Hair Day ...

I sometimes think I've gone so far and other days I find the reality that I haven't.... today was one of those days. My Extensions came to the point the needed to be  retightened, something I've been doing for over 2 1/2 years now. Rache had made a suggestion to see the girl who had some her hair piece, so we went to see Ms Rose and Charlene.  I had already been having a hard day emotionally dealing with nightmares and a fear of being rejected for the surgery bases on my blood sugar.

We got there and had the cap removed... while she was gentle it had hurt. The  damage done to my scalp over the last few years of wearing is showing. She suggested a clip in cap until we could figure something to do with my piece ie making it into a removable cap or something else. While we got the hair de tangled and cleaned I saw myself in the mirror. I had a hard time with it seeing the natural hair.... Logically I know its damaged and has regrown a lot over the last few years.... but I couldn't see that. I was having a very hard time not seeing what I have been hiding behind the last few years. My crutch ... my extensions, my new mask and Medb has pointed out.

It caused me to break down with out it. I felt naked and exposed even thou this will be healthier in the long run. It's something I have to get use to tonight and will have to for the next little while. The new cap is cute and flirty and I'm using 95% of my natural hair..... but I still don't have the confidence I had before,but I have to learn it, because really it was just another form of mask. To help tonight I did do one thing.... made a new virtual hair...lol

If it was only that easy in real life..... Tomorrow is another day and I know this will make me better if I can overcome it ... I do look forward to medb running her fingers thru the real hair and not my old mop.

Calming Factor...

A few weeks ago I tried to make some changes in my life and getting my anger under control. It's been tough but I have had some success with it :). I've been able to interact with customers on a calmer level and have had an easier time adjusting to my new store.

I came in with my ego, and it was the wrong thing to do. I know I'm good at what I do .... but new staff, new co workers and a vastly different level of clients to learn. It overwhelmed me, and even now I'm trying to learn it all over again.... and guess what I'll do it and make it work :) .

I got something today from a customer that I never got from Costco ... A hug from a customer for making a bad situation better. I didn't do anything but understand her problem and find a way to fix it. It was a fantastic feeling and totally unexpected and will make me try harder to keep the calm response.

A few weeks ago I would have gotten angry and done as little as possible... That's not what I want to be anymore. I want to be more like it was today, relaxed and a feeling of doing something for someone that needed the help.

Tomorrow I wake up and go to see my Doctor for my blood tests .... breathes deep can't worry about something I can't control.

Glad the day is over

The day is over after a long day at work ... staff meeting after for Ashley to get some stuff caught up for her meeting tomorrow. Will say the meeting was better then most plus free pizza is always good. While she is far younger then myself and a bit older then Dave I feel she does respect my experience in the company.

My legs are throbbing thou and so glad to be off them, will be nice to get off then for tonight. I'm not going to lie I can't keep the days up here much longer. 8 plus hours standing all day with very little time off the feet takes its toll on me. I'll re evaluate the situation once everything is settled and I'm healing from surgery.

For now its a hot shower ans some much needed cuddle time with my Finacee so I'll sign off with my usual Imvu saying that has made its way into my speech pattern

Be Well

Roller coaster emotions

There are days you have to learn to walk away, times to look the other way and just trust in yourself.
Today was one of those days that went from uncertainty, to major relief , to anger and the feeling of just wanting it over.

We got good news that will allow us to make sure we are covered while I have my surgery. A true blessing right now after months of just wait.... wait longer. It will all be over in a few months and a new chapter in my life will open. What got me angry was a customer deliberately lying in front of my face to my manager, dodging questions asked and screaming in front of me. I swear if we had even better news today she would have gotten a fist in the face. Hew words and tone upset me that much.

Now at home calming down I know what I need pure digital violence feeding my shield to  some poor orc. Tomorrow is another day and I'll let it go and reflect on this and just count down my days here and look at the future,

5110 Days and Counting...

It has been 5110 days since our first date, that first kiss that entwined our destiny. We promised each other it would be one day at a time. The thing about one day at a time is the fact they add up.... and you get so much out of every single day.

5110 days of smiles and laughter
5110 days of holding you while you hold me
5110 days of being there when you cry
5110 days of being there while you accomplish your goals
5110 days when you have to work harder to get that goal
5110 days of dreams
5110 days of fears
5110 days of stark reality's
5110 days of raising our sons
5110 days of watching our grand daughter
5110 days of tears
5110 days of unforgettable memories
5110 days of story building
5110 days of sanity
5110 days of insanity
5110 days of love

Angel I wish you the best on day number 5110, and blessed that you are my best friend and my Fiancee and as we celebrate today... I have to say I can't wait till day 5111  :)

Family is what you make.....Not always what you were born into.

Stops and takes a look back at the road I've been on the last few years. Many things have changed for me, none more so then understanding the word   "FAMILY". With the exception of my mom who I love so much :) they all left or couldn't accept the changes I made to live a normal and healthy life. I learned that not everyone can transition with you because of their hang ups or personal problems. The truth about blood family is sometimes regardless of the situation you need to walk away for your sake, your health.

It's taken me a bit to move forward because I don't like giving up on people. I kept hoping they would change, but when it hit me that they can't change because they are not at a stage to grow then you have to move on or they choke your growth.  Is it easy... no, is it hard... hell yes, and most importantly is it worth it ... Yes

True Family is what you make and add to your life. They don't have to be blood but they love you as much as you love them regardless of their quirks and problems. If they make you laugh, cry and hurt because you care then that's what matters.  My life has gotten better with the people I've got to know as myself.  Finding those who care about me, and my well being. Finding those who put my needs on equal footing as there own... they are who matter.

I look at those around me today and see some very special friends, some very cherished people I call family and my MOM  ) and realize how lucky of a girl I am. They have taught me so much in the last few years, and will teach me in the years to come.

Picks up her backpack and starts to look down the road at the blank faces she has yet to meet, some will be good, some bad ... some special but most importantly some will become family and in the end family is all we have.

Takes her angel's hand and takes another step towards another day.

Another day in the cage....

Ever have a day that you just can't get into. That was mine today with so many ups and downs... I want to kill the drama monster. From the first real customer I had today...*sorry chatr clients just don't cut it as customers* freaking out at the end of an activation, to Doolz freaking out about something he can never have. *really dude, there is a reason why they call it she's just not into you ! * Where do you find peace and quite... I mean really where do you.

I found mine tonight with medb planning our wedding and understanding there is a lot that goes into this. Something really I have never thought of up till the last little while. So much detail into making it perfect or in our case fun. Something that is special to us and we want others to truly enjoy and walk away feeling good. *Rache only 2 drinks for you*

I can see why girls spend the time planning this from very young, it is fun and I so do not want the drama monster involved or any Bridezilla cause with 2 brides that can get bad. :)  I go to bed with pleasant thoughts and dreams in my head... I know it will be a few years away, I can wait it out as I have plenty of practice at it now to see how this adventure unfolds.  

Future thoughts

I just got back from a wedding of two very close friends Justin and Stephanie, Medb and I did a double date for their first date. It has been interesting to see how much they've changed in 5 years. I care about them both and wish them the best as they start a new life together.  I must like them because I got up and went feeling so sick. I just couldn't make the reception at all stomach and headache.

This has gotten me thinking about medb and our future...what will our wedding be like. For the longest time I have maintained no matter what I'll wear the tux because this is her special day. Something I want her to have, something I want her to remember and cherish because goddess she deserves it.  The other night she called me over as we started a rough Idea for it and she showed me some dresses.  The one she showed me I love she will look stunning in it so very elegant and one of a kind. Then she surprised me by trying to suggest my dress, as much as I try to protest it I know that it won't work. She has put her foot down on that subject.

The more I think about it the wedding is becoming about us, a we thing and I'm excited about it. I've never been married and honestly up to a few years ago it wouldn't have been fair to do it. That was then and frankly this is now. I still have a few things to go thru in the next year but I know I want this to happen. I want Medb to be my bride and wife, as I want to be hers.

She is my best friend, always has been and always will be regardless of anything. Our history has been tough with many hurdles but at the end of the day we are still standing together. Together we make a very tough team , our individual weaknesses bolstered by each others strength and love and in the end regardless of everything all you need is love :)

Guess we are just going to have to roll the dice and see what comes up

Sidelined by a bug :(

I'm sorry have been fighting an intestinal flu that last few days and have not had the energy to post. First time in a bit I have been sidelined from a day of work. Between a dying skintag and the flu I've been goofy and thankfully Medb has been great to me :).

Didn't do to much but sleep and go the doctor.... who I found to be of great relief. He reminded me of my old Dr.Bishop and immediately made me feel at ease and given a few days everything will be back to normal.

Now to go get more water and get some rest :) I'll be back to blogging soon :)

Where I want go .....

A few years ago asking me where I wanted to be was a hard one to respond to. I had no Idea, I was to busy fighting my own inner battle with my gender.  One of the questions Dr.Preece asked me was where do you see yourself in 5 years... All I could come up was on a beach relaxing and being myself. I still see that in my future ... I'm thinking Hawaii right now :)

The question now is what do I want to do because I'm not staying in retail sales for much longer. I'm going to be a psychologist with a specialization in Gender, Sexuality and Children. It's going to be a long haul but I know I will do it. Why would I want to do this ? Simple I want to help others dealing with questions regarding their gender or sexuality, and help children so they don't have to deal with a life time of repression issue's. I've had to and only now close to 40 am I figuring it out. I don't want others to go thru this and show these kids that yes just because you were born different. There is help and you can lead a successful and productive life.
Below is one of the best video's I have watched aimed for children and adults.

I have had a number of people say that kids don't know.... yes we do I can remember at a very early age knowing something was wrong. I just didn't have the strength or courage to do what some of these kids are doing now.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2015778687_trankids31m.html

It's starting to become more common and we need to have educated people to help parents, teachers, friends and families come to terms and with these children and adults who are GID. It makes me angry to read comments like these on posts and blogs dealing with transgenders.

From SuperShrain

they put him on tv because he is famous for being sick and crazy
JAZZ (DAVID IS HIS REAL NAME) IS MENTALLY ILL; HIS PARENTS NEED TO CARE ENOUGH TO HELP
AND HE CANT SING. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN HIS VOICE CHANGES?

                   *Jazz was featured on 20/20 as a tranasgendered child on my secret self*

From Elliotsherrow we have 

Good point, but i still disagree. If my brain functions in the way I feel I am a cat and I act like one, does not make me a cat. I will never be a cat. I am stuck a human no matter what I do. I think it's the same way. Even if he get's a sex change and is legally considered a female I still view him as a male, due to his genetic make up. That is just how he was born. And no matter how badly I wish I was born a cat, no matter what I do I will always be a human genetically at least

These are rather tame compared to some I've read but I feel the more we can make it seen as a medical condition and these children grow up as normal as possible. The better we will all be as a society. 


I want to be part of that, I want to be able to say to myself I made a difference and my life had meaning. I want to know I made a difference and look at myself in a mirror and say I'm proud of myself :)


and I will so lets start at the bottom and work my way up ..... Dr.deWinter   I like the sound of that   or Dr. Jys to others. Chuckles 

Ups & Downs

....  The last few days I've been more emotional and prone to outbursts and I've deliberately  withdrawn because of my mood swings. I know that its normal for women to go thru this... mine however is because I missed a few days of my hormone medication. I did this because I was running really low and only had a few days left.

I tried calling last friday for a refill however the Doctor decided to take the day off and the clinic was closed from Friday till Tuesday. I called this morning and receptionist had got the prescriptions ready and said they would be faxed in for pick up.....  guess what... didn't happen. Had it not been for rache helping who knows when I would have them back.

Tomorrow will be another day and I get a chance to rip them a new one, might make me feel better not like the few others that have bore the brunt of my bitchiness tonight.

I know not really insightful tonight and ty for letting me rant a bit.... tomorrow will be a better day :)

Walking Away

The morning started off far to early for my taste. Sorry 7:45 am for a meeting on a holiday was stupid, however I can't say the day was uneventful. I saw a friend online that I had not seen in a bit so sent a quick Hi and things went fine... long story short within 30 min the conversation was over... the contact deleted and had I been home booted and blocked on the other program I know them on. I had just cut them out of my life, and it wasn't what he said that did it  but I saw as aspect of him when his mask slipped that I didn't like. It was quick and easy and I had no remorse for doing it. I'll admit I didn't have a lot invested in the friendship but the fact that I do this makes me wonder about myself.

All my life I've given everything to my friends, people who are acquaintances I would treat like friends. The majority of times I was always left out, an after thought left out of events and outings unless I invited them or set it up. When I decided to transition I told everyone and was very open about it and in my naivety thought all would be the same, I was wrong on many levels.

I learned very early on to protect myself I had to walk away from those who deliberatily or un attentionally hurt me. At first it was hard to do, but once you cut out people you see as father, close blood relatives and long time friends, it gets rather easy to do. Some of these relationships and friendships I truly miss... but some people can't handle the change and they can't transition with you.  With the exception of a handful of people, like my mom and my fiancée I know I could do it to anyone.  Is it wrong to do this ? Do I still want to do this... ?

I had a lot of time to think about this tonight and I've come to a few realizations beating this around this skull of mine ... 1) Friendship is fluid and changes as you change and that's normal 2) You will only have a handful of true friendships during your lifetime. 3) Those who love and cherish your friendship will fuckin hunt you down if you try to walk away and stay away..... those that let you leave their lives weren't your friend really or you just outgrew each other.

Pride Parade...

For the first time I attended the Vancouver pride parade, something I have sworn I would never do on principal alone. However this time it was for a good reason that I believe in. Rachel asked me to help man the Vancouver Trans Health Booth passing out information and resources for people questioning their gender identity.

Why don't I like pride parades is rather simple.... I don't think it helps people with GID. To most people unfamiliarly with the condition saying transsexual or transgender invokes images like this one...

In most parades you see drag queens, cross dressers, and gender benders... very few trans men and woman march. While these people fall under the umbrella term Transgender, they are do not have a medical condition. It's a lifestyle choice... People who are gay or lesbian like true transgenders are just born that way, and that's who they are.

Maybe its just me however I don't see the need to march in front of over 100000 people because I have a medical condition. We don't have cancer parades having people with cancer parade in front of others, or Diabetics etc .... So why should we march in front of others?

Why Change....

The last few days have been rather emotional and I've spoken to a number of people asking them to describe what they see when they look at me. I've had a number of interesting responses and was asked why change. Simple because I don't like where I am right now in my life. Very few people know this fact, I hate looking in mirrors or of pictures of myself because I don't like what I see.... While we were in vegas no matter what Jazzy or Rache said to me regarding my appearance I wouldn't believe them ... How can they see me like that and more importantly why couldn't I see it.

It comes down to Who Am I ... at this point in my life Who I am isn't ready to see this. Medb made some really good points in her post tonight and pointed me in this direction to challenge me ...

                                                         I AM
Kind, vindictive,honest, deceitful, self abusive, funny, scared, brave, self sabotaging, intelligent, analytical,loyal,self controlling,egotistical,logical,giving,competitive,compassionate,selfish,generous, squeamish,artistic,judgemental,accepting,emotional,worrisome,predictable,lazy,hard working,

                                                  What I want to be .....
Kind, vindictive,honest,funny,scared,brave,self loving,intelligent,analytical,loyal,self expression,egotistical,self respecting,logical,giving,compassionate,generous,squeamish,artistic, empathetic,judgemental.accepting, emotional,open,hard working,easy going

All my life I have been to hard on myself... controlling what I experience and what I express to other. I have not let myself just feel.... always afraid of what I find. I have not allowed myself to just live and see what happens. I'm afraid of so many things...and for the longest time afraid of people finding out my dark secret. That's no longer the case...

Now more then ever I want to change, to stop the voices in my mind that tell me I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I stand out and any number of things that I'm more then capable of doing to tear myself down. I want to be able to see myself in a mirror and smile and be proud of the person I am. To fee the inner beauty I know is there. I want to stop the self abuse and controlling nature and just be free to experience life and open up being care free......

                                          I want to change to be a better me :)

Defence ...

My day started out in a way that made me think. Just arriving to work and 15 before we open I was trying to get everything unlocked and ready I had a customer that wanted help and a phone that would not stop ringing. I felt my stress level go up and was angry in the help I was about to give.

Why was it.... the old guy had a simple question and the phone call was a persistent virgin rep who couldn't grasp the fact of we're not open yet and I don't have the phone in stock. Neither was rude but it made me want to fight immediately and argue. While the day drug on it continued... my first impulse to defend and argue.

The question is why.... what makes this the default action,  do I like this about me and if I wanted could I change it? All my life I have felt like I have to defend my point right or wrong. To defend my actions and opinions.  I don't know why it just feels that way. The last three years to many I felt like I had to defend my right to be here. To exist and have the same rights as others. Some legitimate and for others overblown, it's amazing what points of view will do.

So how do I change this because I don't like to always be on the defensive. I don't like the hours long arguments I can produce in my head long after the situation as passed. It's a part of  What I do. I want to change that. I want to be more open and be able to interact on a calm and rational basis. It's something I want to be able to do and make it mine.

Easier said then done I know but starting tomorrow morning when that first problem comes up it will be my first chance to implement and see what transpires ....

I'll keep ya all posted

Who am I .....

To be honest... I really don't know....

For the vast majority of my life I've lived in a shell. Creating a persona I thought people wanted me to be. Many would ask why would I do that, how can you do that? The short response is I have a medical condition known as GID or Gender Identity Disorder, commonly known as Transsexualism according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. As of the fourth manual  this disorder is listed as a psychological condition..... I disagree.

I view this as a neurological condition by the hormonal development of a female brain and a body that formed male. My psychological damage is the result of self forced repression supressing my true personality and forming what I thought people wanted me to be. On May 2008 my shell didn't crack, it shattered and for the first time in my life I didn't know what to do. 

Now over three years later and looking in the face of major change I find my self questioning who I really am.  In short order I understood gender, I'm at peace with that, but as my angel Medb and my therapist Dr. Preece has pointed out in GID most forget about the identity aspect of it.  

I just got back from Las Vegas and had fun, a number of firsts for me and it solidified a friendship that I had made online over the past year.  But right now I wonder who I really am... is this a new shell I made. I'm good at it, as it is a survival mechanism. Or is it a true start of myself..... I don't know. 

It's what I need to discover... feel free to make comments, laugh or cry as I post.... My life can be funny sometimes. 

If you think this is another Trans person blog and full of woe is me please move on .... I have no time for that shit in my life.

This blog is about a woman's journey to discover who she is and while I might touch on the subject of my past. I won't let it define me.