The Next Step

Today I take my first step in the next stage of my life and I'm really excited. If all goes well next April I'll be starting college with an eye on getting a Doctorate of Psychology. It's an exciting path that I'm starting and a scary one all at the same time. For myself this is something I need to do and make a new path for myself.

My first step is the GED .... little known fact is that I dropped out of school and need it to advance :). My goal is to have it done by January so I can register for college in April. Then its time for a new path in life, a new start and I'm not afraid to say a better life. My path in retail sales is closing soon and for once in my life I'm going to make it mine and do what I want to do.

That's the difference right now.... going from the everyday grind to the grind of being a student. I would cite my age as being a handicap but I have a few women that I admire for doing the same thing I am doing. One is Jazzy watching her work and go to school supporting her family. More importantly I watched Medb go from the GED and graduate an advanced course on Massage therapy.

It's all about taking the steps to get there and not letting anything stop you. I will be Dr. Kara deWinter or Dr. Jys to the kids .... first step the GED

The Real Transition....

Well I survived the day lol... wasn't a real chore just a day of boredom really. I had a new girl ask me today about transition was it exciting, all about the surgery and she asked me what she should expect.  This is what I said to her.

Transition is a period of growth and learning, it isn't just about hormones and operations and clothes. The hormones are nothing more then a tool, and the surgery is just a small step in the grand scheme of things. Transition is so much more and I feel sorry for those that rush to just get to a surgery and that's all they think about. Because after that what do they have. 

You get to learn what the other side lives like, you step into a new world. New Roles and actually live and breathe it. you feel for the first time the power of a compliment, the power of a smile, you feel how words and action can make your day .... or hurt and put you down. You feel how different it is how men and women interact with you.  How you feel when you make others laugh and cry when you share a story or memories. 

Transition is about making new friends, new choices and new paths in life.....

Transition is about going on new career paths and trying something you always wanted to do....

Transition is about re inventing yourself to being what you want to be ....

Transition is about making plenty of new little choices .....

Transition most importantly is temporary and just a phase to the next point of your life.... Then its time for a new transition

 

Transition is not just a stage for trasngenders its for everyone on one scale or another, you just have to make the choice to change. You just have to want to change, learn and adapt. You can work at what ever you want,  learn to be anything you want, and really just be a better you.

You just have to want to change :) 

What If ....

There's times I wonder what would have been, had nature not messed up? I listen to jazzy talk about her youth, cruising with girl friends listening to rock music. I listen to Rachel tell of her teen years with friends.  I then think about my childhood and I can remember sleeping and going to work. I was the loner in almost every sense of the word.

From childhood sitting under desks looking out at other kids playing, not knowing where I fit it. To school where I didn't socialize with others, not because I didn't want to I just couldn't.

My last year of school was in grade 8, a year of being bullied until I put one kids head between a locker door and the post. He got 68 stitches and I got time to sit in with the school councillor. 

That was my last year in school I followed up with a few years of home schooling. Went to work full time at the age of 13... fast forward to today.

Things happened to me the last few months the hardest one was in Vegas. I found myself in an afterhours club with Jaz and Rachel. I had a large man grab my ass that ended putting me in a panic mode. In short order I found myself back to feeling like the kid sitting under the desk. I didn't like the feeling that it brought me, I didn't like the feeling of being alone. 

Vegas gave me some fun memories, it opened up something in me and made me realize that I don't want to control myself as much. I want to feel more then I've allowed myself to feel. I know that my time with my company is coming to an end. I feel that I've gone way to long and with all the changes coming I need to start fresh. 

Medb has told me that when I go to college and university thing will change and it will be an experience, I sure hope it will be. I asked myself today is it to late to make new experiences .... Instead of a negative you're to old.... I heard hell no :) 

perhaps I'm changing a few things already 

Happy for friends

Some days its hard to believe a year has gone by so quickly. For me this week will have a lot of emotion so I'm going to start it off with a happy note.  Tonight I got word from Jazzy that she had reconnected with a long lost family member and I was excited for her :) . It was fantastic to hear her be so excited and to be able to take part in a way of support.

She has supported me thru out the last year by always being there as a friend. I don't think she has missed a day my messenger or bbm has not had something on it. Like Sheri and a few others they are true and real friends. They have given me something I really hadn't had before.... but how could I have had them. I didn't love myself or care about myself.

This year has taught me that you need to truly be at peace with yourself and other will re-enter your life and make it positive. last year I felt alone... today I look at those that I have met Jazz, Rache, Sheri, Peter and Mark and understand that they like me for me. Not what I can do for them .... I look with pride at those that have stood by me thru all of this  Scott, Denese, Justin, Steph, Jen and Taylor and realize that they all saw something in me that I couldn't see before. They want to know Kara as much as I try to find out who I am. 

It's a great feeling to have :)

Odd Week

I can say this was an emotional and odd week for myself. I had finally got to spend some real time with my mom. Met her new friend Freida and for the first time in a long time, someone I couldn't read.

The break down on friday was hard but by saturday I was over it. Better then I would have been a few years ago. Medb and I spoke last night about what I will do during my break and heal up time... What hobby can take up some time.
Again I find myself staring at a blank wall.

What do I wish to do, to try and expand my experiences. I know I can't just play games or dev on IMVU because ill be bored in a week. My fall back work will not be an option.... Do I try to draw again, knit, something else? I've ruled out bungee jumping till next year, so I've got one thing off a list.

Time will tell I'm sure.... Well better get selling now

Be well

Bad Hair Day ...

I sometimes think I've gone so far and other days I find the reality that I haven't.... today was one of those days. My Extensions came to the point the needed to be  retightened, something I've been doing for over 2 1/2 years now. Rache had made a suggestion to see the girl who had some her hair piece, so we went to see Ms Rose and Charlene.  I had already been having a hard day emotionally dealing with nightmares and a fear of being rejected for the surgery bases on my blood sugar.

We got there and had the cap removed... while she was gentle it had hurt. The  damage done to my scalp over the last few years of wearing is showing. She suggested a clip in cap until we could figure something to do with my piece ie making it into a removable cap or something else. While we got the hair de tangled and cleaned I saw myself in the mirror. I had a hard time with it seeing the natural hair.... Logically I know its damaged and has regrown a lot over the last few years.... but I couldn't see that. I was having a very hard time not seeing what I have been hiding behind the last few years. My crutch ... my extensions, my new mask and Medb has pointed out.

It caused me to break down with out it. I felt naked and exposed even thou this will be healthier in the long run. It's something I have to get use to tonight and will have to for the next little while. The new cap is cute and flirty and I'm using 95% of my natural hair..... but I still don't have the confidence I had before,but I have to learn it, because really it was just another form of mask. To help tonight I did do one thing.... made a new virtual hair...lol

If it was only that easy in real life..... Tomorrow is another day and I know this will make me better if I can overcome it ... I do look forward to medb running her fingers thru the real hair and not my old mop.

Calming Factor...

A few weeks ago I tried to make some changes in my life and getting my anger under control. It's been tough but I have had some success with it :). I've been able to interact with customers on a calmer level and have had an easier time adjusting to my new store.

I came in with my ego, and it was the wrong thing to do. I know I'm good at what I do .... but new staff, new co workers and a vastly different level of clients to learn. It overwhelmed me, and even now I'm trying to learn it all over again.... and guess what I'll do it and make it work :) .

I got something today from a customer that I never got from Costco ... A hug from a customer for making a bad situation better. I didn't do anything but understand her problem and find a way to fix it. It was a fantastic feeling and totally unexpected and will make me try harder to keep the calm response.

A few weeks ago I would have gotten angry and done as little as possible... That's not what I want to be anymore. I want to be more like it was today, relaxed and a feeling of doing something for someone that needed the help.

Tomorrow I wake up and go to see my Doctor for my blood tests .... breathes deep can't worry about something I can't control.

Glad the day is over

The day is over after a long day at work ... staff meeting after for Ashley to get some stuff caught up for her meeting tomorrow. Will say the meeting was better then most plus free pizza is always good. While she is far younger then myself and a bit older then Dave I feel she does respect my experience in the company.

My legs are throbbing thou and so glad to be off them, will be nice to get off then for tonight. I'm not going to lie I can't keep the days up here much longer. 8 plus hours standing all day with very little time off the feet takes its toll on me. I'll re evaluate the situation once everything is settled and I'm healing from surgery.

For now its a hot shower ans some much needed cuddle time with my Finacee so I'll sign off with my usual Imvu saying that has made its way into my speech pattern

Be Well

Roller coaster emotions

There are days you have to learn to walk away, times to look the other way and just trust in yourself.
Today was one of those days that went from uncertainty, to major relief , to anger and the feeling of just wanting it over.

We got good news that will allow us to make sure we are covered while I have my surgery. A true blessing right now after months of just wait.... wait longer. It will all be over in a few months and a new chapter in my life will open. What got me angry was a customer deliberately lying in front of my face to my manager, dodging questions asked and screaming in front of me. I swear if we had even better news today she would have gotten a fist in the face. Hew words and tone upset me that much.

Now at home calming down I know what I need pure digital violence feeding my shield to  some poor orc. Tomorrow is another day and I'll let it go and reflect on this and just count down my days here and look at the future,

5110 Days and Counting...

It has been 5110 days since our first date, that first kiss that entwined our destiny. We promised each other it would be one day at a time. The thing about one day at a time is the fact they add up.... and you get so much out of every single day.

5110 days of smiles and laughter
5110 days of holding you while you hold me
5110 days of being there when you cry
5110 days of being there while you accomplish your goals
5110 days when you have to work harder to get that goal
5110 days of dreams
5110 days of fears
5110 days of stark reality's
5110 days of raising our sons
5110 days of watching our grand daughter
5110 days of tears
5110 days of unforgettable memories
5110 days of story building
5110 days of sanity
5110 days of insanity
5110 days of love

Angel I wish you the best on day number 5110, and blessed that you are my best friend and my Fiancee and as we celebrate today... I have to say I can't wait till day 5111  :)

Family is what you make.....Not always what you were born into.

Stops and takes a look back at the road I've been on the last few years. Many things have changed for me, none more so then understanding the word   "FAMILY". With the exception of my mom who I love so much :) they all left or couldn't accept the changes I made to live a normal and healthy life. I learned that not everyone can transition with you because of their hang ups or personal problems. The truth about blood family is sometimes regardless of the situation you need to walk away for your sake, your health.

It's taken me a bit to move forward because I don't like giving up on people. I kept hoping they would change, but when it hit me that they can't change because they are not at a stage to grow then you have to move on or they choke your growth.  Is it easy... no, is it hard... hell yes, and most importantly is it worth it ... Yes

True Family is what you make and add to your life. They don't have to be blood but they love you as much as you love them regardless of their quirks and problems. If they make you laugh, cry and hurt because you care then that's what matters.  My life has gotten better with the people I've got to know as myself.  Finding those who care about me, and my well being. Finding those who put my needs on equal footing as there own... they are who matter.

I look at those around me today and see some very special friends, some very cherished people I call family and my MOM  ) and realize how lucky of a girl I am. They have taught me so much in the last few years, and will teach me in the years to come.

Picks up her backpack and starts to look down the road at the blank faces she has yet to meet, some will be good, some bad ... some special but most importantly some will become family and in the end family is all we have.

Takes her angel's hand and takes another step towards another day.

Another day in the cage....

Ever have a day that you just can't get into. That was mine today with so many ups and downs... I want to kill the drama monster. From the first real customer I had today...*sorry chatr clients just don't cut it as customers* freaking out at the end of an activation, to Doolz freaking out about something he can never have. *really dude, there is a reason why they call it she's just not into you ! * Where do you find peace and quite... I mean really where do you.

I found mine tonight with medb planning our wedding and understanding there is a lot that goes into this. Something really I have never thought of up till the last little while. So much detail into making it perfect or in our case fun. Something that is special to us and we want others to truly enjoy and walk away feeling good. *Rache only 2 drinks for you*

I can see why girls spend the time planning this from very young, it is fun and I so do not want the drama monster involved or any Bridezilla cause with 2 brides that can get bad. :)  I go to bed with pleasant thoughts and dreams in my head... I know it will be a few years away, I can wait it out as I have plenty of practice at it now to see how this adventure unfolds.  

Future thoughts

I just got back from a wedding of two very close friends Justin and Stephanie, Medb and I did a double date for their first date. It has been interesting to see how much they've changed in 5 years. I care about them both and wish them the best as they start a new life together.  I must like them because I got up and went feeling so sick. I just couldn't make the reception at all stomach and headache.

This has gotten me thinking about medb and our future...what will our wedding be like. For the longest time I have maintained no matter what I'll wear the tux because this is her special day. Something I want her to have, something I want her to remember and cherish because goddess she deserves it.  The other night she called me over as we started a rough Idea for it and she showed me some dresses.  The one she showed me I love she will look stunning in it so very elegant and one of a kind. Then she surprised me by trying to suggest my dress, as much as I try to protest it I know that it won't work. She has put her foot down on that subject.

The more I think about it the wedding is becoming about us, a we thing and I'm excited about it. I've never been married and honestly up to a few years ago it wouldn't have been fair to do it. That was then and frankly this is now. I still have a few things to go thru in the next year but I know I want this to happen. I want Medb to be my bride and wife, as I want to be hers.

She is my best friend, always has been and always will be regardless of anything. Our history has been tough with many hurdles but at the end of the day we are still standing together. Together we make a very tough team , our individual weaknesses bolstered by each others strength and love and in the end regardless of everything all you need is love :)

Guess we are just going to have to roll the dice and see what comes up

Sidelined by a bug :(

I'm sorry have been fighting an intestinal flu that last few days and have not had the energy to post. First time in a bit I have been sidelined from a day of work. Between a dying skintag and the flu I've been goofy and thankfully Medb has been great to me :).

Didn't do to much but sleep and go the doctor.... who I found to be of great relief. He reminded me of my old Dr.Bishop and immediately made me feel at ease and given a few days everything will be back to normal.

Now to go get more water and get some rest :) I'll be back to blogging soon :)

Where I want go .....

A few years ago asking me where I wanted to be was a hard one to respond to. I had no Idea, I was to busy fighting my own inner battle with my gender.  One of the questions Dr.Preece asked me was where do you see yourself in 5 years... All I could come up was on a beach relaxing and being myself. I still see that in my future ... I'm thinking Hawaii right now :)

The question now is what do I want to do because I'm not staying in retail sales for much longer. I'm going to be a psychologist with a specialization in Gender, Sexuality and Children. It's going to be a long haul but I know I will do it. Why would I want to do this ? Simple I want to help others dealing with questions regarding their gender or sexuality, and help children so they don't have to deal with a life time of repression issue's. I've had to and only now close to 40 am I figuring it out. I don't want others to go thru this and show these kids that yes just because you were born different. There is help and you can lead a successful and productive life.
Below is one of the best video's I have watched aimed for children and adults.

I have had a number of people say that kids don't know.... yes we do I can remember at a very early age knowing something was wrong. I just didn't have the strength or courage to do what some of these kids are doing now.

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2015778687_trankids31m.html

It's starting to become more common and we need to have educated people to help parents, teachers, friends and families come to terms and with these children and adults who are GID. It makes me angry to read comments like these on posts and blogs dealing with transgenders.

From SuperShrain

they put him on tv because he is famous for being sick and crazy
JAZZ (DAVID IS HIS REAL NAME) IS MENTALLY ILL; HIS PARENTS NEED TO CARE ENOUGH TO HELP
AND HE CANT SING. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN HIS VOICE CHANGES?

                   *Jazz was featured on 20/20 as a tranasgendered child on my secret self*

From Elliotsherrow we have 

Good point, but i still disagree. If my brain functions in the way I feel I am a cat and I act like one, does not make me a cat. I will never be a cat. I am stuck a human no matter what I do. I think it's the same way. Even if he get's a sex change and is legally considered a female I still view him as a male, due to his genetic make up. That is just how he was born. And no matter how badly I wish I was born a cat, no matter what I do I will always be a human genetically at least

These are rather tame compared to some I've read but I feel the more we can make it seen as a medical condition and these children grow up as normal as possible. The better we will all be as a society. 


I want to be part of that, I want to be able to say to myself I made a difference and my life had meaning. I want to know I made a difference and look at myself in a mirror and say I'm proud of myself :)


and I will so lets start at the bottom and work my way up ..... Dr.deWinter   I like the sound of that   or Dr. Jys to others. Chuckles 

Ups & Downs

....  The last few days I've been more emotional and prone to outbursts and I've deliberately  withdrawn because of my mood swings. I know that its normal for women to go thru this... mine however is because I missed a few days of my hormone medication. I did this because I was running really low and only had a few days left.

I tried calling last friday for a refill however the Doctor decided to take the day off and the clinic was closed from Friday till Tuesday. I called this morning and receptionist had got the prescriptions ready and said they would be faxed in for pick up.....  guess what... didn't happen. Had it not been for rache helping who knows when I would have them back.

Tomorrow will be another day and I get a chance to rip them a new one, might make me feel better not like the few others that have bore the brunt of my bitchiness tonight.

I know not really insightful tonight and ty for letting me rant a bit.... tomorrow will be a better day :)

Walking Away

The morning started off far to early for my taste. Sorry 7:45 am for a meeting on a holiday was stupid, however I can't say the day was uneventful. I saw a friend online that I had not seen in a bit so sent a quick Hi and things went fine... long story short within 30 min the conversation was over... the contact deleted and had I been home booted and blocked on the other program I know them on. I had just cut them out of my life, and it wasn't what he said that did it  but I saw as aspect of him when his mask slipped that I didn't like. It was quick and easy and I had no remorse for doing it. I'll admit I didn't have a lot invested in the friendship but the fact that I do this makes me wonder about myself.

All my life I've given everything to my friends, people who are acquaintances I would treat like friends. The majority of times I was always left out, an after thought left out of events and outings unless I invited them or set it up. When I decided to transition I told everyone and was very open about it and in my naivety thought all would be the same, I was wrong on many levels.

I learned very early on to protect myself I had to walk away from those who deliberatily or un attentionally hurt me. At first it was hard to do, but once you cut out people you see as father, close blood relatives and long time friends, it gets rather easy to do. Some of these relationships and friendships I truly miss... but some people can't handle the change and they can't transition with you.  With the exception of a handful of people, like my mom and my fiancée I know I could do it to anyone.  Is it wrong to do this ? Do I still want to do this... ?

I had a lot of time to think about this tonight and I've come to a few realizations beating this around this skull of mine ... 1) Friendship is fluid and changes as you change and that's normal 2) You will only have a handful of true friendships during your lifetime. 3) Those who love and cherish your friendship will fuckin hunt you down if you try to walk away and stay away..... those that let you leave their lives weren't your friend really or you just outgrew each other.