So I put my short term disability into Glentel back on Oct 6th and as of this writing I've yet to have been approved for the short term disability. I find this odd as I know a few transwomen who have had the same surgery and used the same insurance company and was approved. So here I sit unsure almost three weeks later.
When I do call and talk with my human resources at work they say no determination has been made yet as top the validity of the claim. That it appears to be elective surgery. Please tell me an elective surgery that requires a specialized surgeon, a general doctor, an endocrinologist and 2 psychiatrists to sign off on.
It makes me feel like second class because I do have bills to pay, I have given a lot to my company for 9 years and rarely use my benefits that I pay into every two weeks and when I need help .... welll just wait and maybe you'll go away.
People think I am crazy but when a coworker comes down with Cancer or another condition they have no control over people rally around and makes things happen. Come out trans and a majority of folks just walk away and you fight for everything.
Do I regret the descion, not at all and I would do it all over again, but we need people to understand that like cancer a true transgender had no control over what way their body developed. When they seek help to correct it we need to give them the same level of support and understanding because regardless we are all human.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Why I'm Glad My Fiancée Got Sick
Ok... to start with I wish she hadn't been ill at all during the trip to Montreal. however she was and something good did come out of it. When I got out of surgery she was right there to make sure I was ok. A look of worry and love in her eyes that few will ever see. How do you measure up to a woman who for the last few years has been my rock. My coach and cheer leader and stood beside me as my friend, my lover and my Fiancee.... she even recommitted in Montreal with a new dolphin ring I found that matched her bracelet. Thru the hospital and the first few days she was there.
Shortly after I got back to the residence she started having a cold, and for the safety of the others and myself stayed away for 3 or 4 days so we wouldn't catch it. This all happened as I had my package and mould removed and started after care.. I knew had Medb been there she would have helped out and fussed over me. Giving me a few days to learn the routine and ease me into it. This time it was just me.... I had to deal with some issues about looking at myself and touching myself that I struggle with and in the end it made me stronger.
I can hardly believe its almost been two weeks since I started this road and I'm getting better at it.... going to be proud of myself today. Got up started.... finished and went out for grocery's, got a temp phone number... thank you Glentel for shutting off my Demo line when I needed it most and picked up some supplies.
I am getting stronger every day, and I feel alive but unsure about this all. Do I regret it at all nope not one bit. Am I freaked out yet.... but one things starting to come back and that is a pattern... Medbs cold hit her a bit so I get to take care of her :)
Be Well
Shortly after I got back to the residence she started having a cold, and for the safety of the others and myself stayed away for 3 or 4 days so we wouldn't catch it. This all happened as I had my package and mould removed and started after care.. I knew had Medb been there she would have helped out and fussed over me. Giving me a few days to learn the routine and ease me into it. This time it was just me.... I had to deal with some issues about looking at myself and touching myself that I struggle with and in the end it made me stronger.
I can hardly believe its almost been two weeks since I started this road and I'm getting better at it.... going to be proud of myself today. Got up started.... finished and went out for grocery's, got a temp phone number... thank you Glentel for shutting off my Demo line when I needed it most and picked up some supplies.
I am getting stronger every day, and I feel alive but unsure about this all. Do I regret it at all nope not one bit. Am I freaked out yet.... but one things starting to come back and that is a pattern... Medbs cold hit her a bit so I get to take care of her :)
Be Well
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Hesitation
I find myself late at night waiting to do my last dilation of the day. It's not because they hurt because so far they haven't. I find my self having to work up the courage to do them and I don't know why. One girl here has a very valid reason she associates the dilatation with an old memory that causes her to regress and relive something traumatic from her past.
I just have a mental problem and a physical problem touching myself, and I need to suck it up somehow. Find a way to not look like it's a chore. Only I have the way to control this and make it different. Overall this week I've over come a lot. dealing with blood and changes to my body. Battling hot flashes hormones,a son I want to smack and making a change for the positive.
good or bad its what you make it .... and its only 20 min really just clean up after and just relax it into you.
Good Night all
I just have a mental problem and a physical problem touching myself, and I need to suck it up somehow. Find a way to not look like it's a chore. Only I have the way to control this and make it different. Overall this week I've over come a lot. dealing with blood and changes to my body. Battling hot flashes hormones,a son I want to smack and making a change for the positive.
good or bad its what you make it .... and its only 20 min really just clean up after and just relax it into you.
Good Night all
Monday, October 17, 2011
Why I Did It
At the end of the day we all get asked: if you are content being female, why go to such lengths, if you say it's just in your brain? The answer is simple: it empowers me to be acknowledged as my identified gender. It feels right to be called her, she, Miss, Ma'am, bitch. It gives me a sense of self. In my achievements, my failures, my contributions, are at least directed the way they should be. I lived too many years fighting within myself when someone said "He did a great job for me" because it didn't sound right, it didn't feel right. It felt it was somebody else's achievement.
Since the surgery, this will open up more doors for me. This will allow my passport to have an "F" on it with no limitations. I can no longer be disqualified for insurance purposes because I put an "F" instead of an "M" down, and legally my rights for discrimination against being female will actually take effect, not be stuck in some limbo. Does this exclude me as being Trans? Not in the least. I just have designer parts instead of genetics.
I've had a lot of firsts this week. First real use of pads, the feeling of something "filling" me has been disconcerting, strange, yet right all at the same time. True lack of pure male hormones. And since the surgery, I am now turned around and seeing I've just walked out of the house, into the wide world. A truly frightening yet exhilarating experience. Only time will tell what happens. As for now, I think I'll shuffle over to a tree, rest in a hammock with my fiance, and see what tomorrow brings.
Since the surgery, this will open up more doors for me. This will allow my passport to have an "F" on it with no limitations. I can no longer be disqualified for insurance purposes because I put an "F" instead of an "M" down, and legally my rights for discrimination against being female will actually take effect, not be stuck in some limbo. Does this exclude me as being Trans? Not in the least. I just have designer parts instead of genetics.
I've had a lot of firsts this week. First real use of pads, the feeling of something "filling" me has been disconcerting, strange, yet right all at the same time. True lack of pure male hormones. And since the surgery, I am now turned around and seeing I've just walked out of the house, into the wide world. A truly frightening yet exhilarating experience. Only time will tell what happens. As for now, I think I'll shuffle over to a tree, rest in a hammock with my fiance, and see what tomorrow brings.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Afternoon Stroll
If you were to say I was going to be outside having a stroll at 4pm this afternoon when I woke up this morning, I would have said that you were nuts.
It's amazing how fast the human body can actually heal. 48 hours ago, just after my surgery I was confined to my bed, dependent on nurses to help clean myself and booties to keep my circulation going. 24 hours later, I was doing laps around the nurses' desk (and, as a nod to Tim, I got 8 HooHa's). And even after a night of slightly painful sleep, I didn't think I would be getting out of bed much today.
But I surprised myself by wanting to take a lap of the house and to smell the fresh rain outside, it reminds me of being at home in Vancouver. And thank god it wasn't snow. Those breaths really made me feel alive.
As to how I am, the only word I can sum it up with is "whole".
It's amazing how fast the human body can actually heal. 48 hours ago, just after my surgery I was confined to my bed, dependent on nurses to help clean myself and booties to keep my circulation going. 24 hours later, I was doing laps around the nurses' desk (and, as a nod to Tim, I got 8 HooHa's). And even after a night of slightly painful sleep, I didn't think I would be getting out of bed much today.
But I surprised myself by wanting to take a lap of the house and to smell the fresh rain outside, it reminds me of being at home in Vancouver. And thank god it wasn't snow. Those breaths really made me feel alive.
As to how I am, the only word I can sum it up with is "whole".
Monday, October 10, 2011
I Constented to WHAT ???!!!???
Actually it's not as bad as the title made it out to be. I'm writing this at the hotel with Medb and a very close friend Jen. While this should be my first night at the residence getting to know my shuffle mates, I opted to take the day and relax with Medb and spend one last night with her before I'm admited to the hospital for surgery some time wed morning.
What got to me was the consent form's I had to sign and one in practicular that said I consent to the amputation of the penis and testicals. This gave me a moment to pause because it's a relization that you're asking for a qualified surgeon to cut and amputate something to make you feel like you're the way you should have been. It's a reality check that you need to make, you need to make sure that in your mind, and in your spirit or soul that this is what you really want. How important is it to you, and what will you gamble ?
Fact check for this surgery... I'm going to say first that you need to make sure you're ready to go thru with this and the aftercare required for this... It's not something you rush into. There are a number of risk factors up to and including death. Infection, pain,revisons are a possibility, skin grafts are required if you don't have enough skin ... um yeah that will probably be me unless I'm realllly lucky.
So I ask myself what am I willing to gamble... what am I willing to risk to achieve this? Most would say I've come out lucky and beaten the house and do you need the surgery really to be happy. That's something thats a different call for everyone.... For me yes I have to go all the way and do the compete surgery. Why.... as in my title of the blog It's all about me and I'm being very open .... Why ? ... Because I have a very hard time touching myself even for basic cleaning, some might say TMI. However it is the truth and I can't go around not looking, or touching it and feeling it is alien to me. I'm ashamed of my genital's and mentaly it is affecting me.
Will this fix me and make me perfect .... No it won't. It will however make me feel like I should be, it will allow me to remove a roadblock in my life and open a ton more. It will allow me to grow and develop as I should have. I leanred over the last two years that I have no control over others reactions, I just have to trust and accept that it will work out like it should.
Be Well
What got to me was the consent form's I had to sign and one in practicular that said I consent to the amputation of the penis and testicals. This gave me a moment to pause because it's a relization that you're asking for a qualified surgeon to cut and amputate something to make you feel like you're the way you should have been. It's a reality check that you need to make, you need to make sure that in your mind, and in your spirit or soul that this is what you really want. How important is it to you, and what will you gamble ?
Fact check for this surgery... I'm going to say first that you need to make sure you're ready to go thru with this and the aftercare required for this... It's not something you rush into. There are a number of risk factors up to and including death. Infection, pain,revisons are a possibility, skin grafts are required if you don't have enough skin ... um yeah that will probably be me unless I'm realllly lucky.
So I ask myself what am I willing to gamble... what am I willing to risk to achieve this? Most would say I've come out lucky and beaten the house and do you need the surgery really to be happy. That's something thats a different call for everyone.... For me yes I have to go all the way and do the compete surgery. Why.... as in my title of the blog It's all about me and I'm being very open .... Why ? ... Because I have a very hard time touching myself even for basic cleaning, some might say TMI. However it is the truth and I can't go around not looking, or touching it and feeling it is alien to me. I'm ashamed of my genital's and mentaly it is affecting me.
Will this fix me and make me perfect .... No it won't. It will however make me feel like I should be, it will allow me to remove a roadblock in my life and open a ton more. It will allow me to grow and develop as I should have. I leanred over the last two years that I have no control over others reactions, I just have to trust and accept that it will work out like it should.
Be Well
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sleepless night
Change.... regardless or not it always happens and not always what you think it might be. It's early Sunday morning and I'm having trouble sleeping, all nerves for sure. The last three weeks have been a whirlwind for me. They have seen me off hormones for the first time in almost three years. My last shifts at glentel and leaving something that I've known for almost a decade. Last but not least a physical change that will match what's inside and what feels right to me, and this is just the beginning of change.
My mind isn't here its almost a year ahead trying its best to map out all the possible outcomes... a task that is failing because you can't map out every possible scenario. Change is coming faster then I realized, school something that I've haven't done since dropping out in grade 8 because I couldn't cope with it. New direction for work ... something I enjoy to do for just pocket money.... and a body with few limitations.
I just popped my head into the bedroom to watch Medb sleep, and my emotions choked up because she is so beautiful and I love her so much. I've been able to keep a lot back when she is awake cause I can fuss. I wonder how things will be after this... and as I start to worry I'm forced to remind myself that's for her to decide not me. Just like before its one day at a time.
I look at the dynamics my friendships have developed since I started and I'm grateful that I can be open and I have some wonderful friends. Thru the last week so many have been supportive most wondering if I'm sure... Yeah I am... no regrets in doing this. My only regret was lying to my angel when we first met, I wish I had the strength to be honest then.
So in 4 hours I'll be getting up if I can sleep and start the journey to Montreal confident that this is the right path. That I am truly loved by my angel and my friends and the fact that I no longer have to lie to people about who I am. Am I scared ... Yes but not by the surgery itself, not by the aftercare, but by the unknown factors I now face. my body is no longer a limitation ... hello swimming pool LOL.
Be Well all
My mind isn't here its almost a year ahead trying its best to map out all the possible outcomes... a task that is failing because you can't map out every possible scenario. Change is coming faster then I realized, school something that I've haven't done since dropping out in grade 8 because I couldn't cope with it. New direction for work ... something I enjoy to do for just pocket money.... and a body with few limitations.
I just popped my head into the bedroom to watch Medb sleep, and my emotions choked up because she is so beautiful and I love her so much. I've been able to keep a lot back when she is awake cause I can fuss. I wonder how things will be after this... and as I start to worry I'm forced to remind myself that's for her to decide not me. Just like before its one day at a time.
I look at the dynamics my friendships have developed since I started and I'm grateful that I can be open and I have some wonderful friends. Thru the last week so many have been supportive most wondering if I'm sure... Yeah I am... no regrets in doing this. My only regret was lying to my angel when we first met, I wish I had the strength to be honest then.
So in 4 hours I'll be getting up if I can sleep and start the journey to Montreal confident that this is the right path. That I am truly loved by my angel and my friends and the fact that I no longer have to lie to people about who I am. Am I scared ... Yes but not by the surgery itself, not by the aftercare, but by the unknown factors I now face. my body is no longer a limitation ... hello swimming pool LOL.
Be Well all
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Testosterone Returns
Well after two weeks the hormones started to hit me ... this time with testosterone. While a number of girls report being hyper emotional, crying and the such.. my experience has been wanting to hit something. Preferably with a heavy shield and bludgeon it to a pulp, I know not a good quality but I'm being honest.
In some ways I've really missed it , the strength and more energy and it also helps power the sex drive. While I won't have as much in my system as I use to I will have the natural amount that girls have so It will be an improvement.
Today was a test and I did get to goto the Transgender health board and sit in on a meeting. They don't know how blessed they are that they have the MSP backing this and looking at it seriously. A very stark contrast from Alberta, I'm seriously looking at making a contribution here. I know I can make a difference however I need to look at myself first and get over my surgery.
Oh well off to bludgeon orcs for a bit
Be Well all
In some ways I've really missed it , the strength and more energy and it also helps power the sex drive. While I won't have as much in my system as I use to I will have the natural amount that girls have so It will be an improvement.
Today was a test and I did get to goto the Transgender health board and sit in on a meeting. They don't know how blessed they are that they have the MSP backing this and looking at it seriously. A very stark contrast from Alberta, I'm seriously looking at making a contribution here. I know I can make a difference however I need to look at myself first and get over my surgery.
Oh well off to bludgeon orcs for a bit
Be Well all
Monday, October 3, 2011
Sympathy Lies Right Between Shit and Syphilis
Ok I'm going to girl and admit this ... I'm scared right now about the surgery. I'm not worried if this is the right step for me because I know it is. I'm not afraid of dying on the table either cause I don't fear death. I'm afraid of the surgery itself and not being able to control it or the pain that follows it. That is my issue right now and for the past few weeks I've been storing that fear up and doing my best to control it.
It's been hard to do, some people who have gone threw the same surgery that I'm going to keep going on about the pain. It's not helping me any because my mind has a wonderful way of taking this and twisting it into so much worse. Being sick the last few days hasn't helped either, my temper is short and I'm cranky.
So I'm going to do what I can to do pain management.... I would rather take the pain of every step I take and be fucking grateful I'm no longer inside a shell hiding my face from the world. I would rather have the pain when I dilate instead of having a genital that's alien to me. I would rather have the pain that makes me know that I'm alive... instead of being like the walking dead. I will manage my pain with grace and dignity because I am grateful and humbled that I made it to this point in my life.
I will not tell others how much pain I'm in but will tell them how much I feel alive.
I will not let pain force me to not do something unless it risks my health.
I will not succumb to letting others feel pity for me they will feel my joy of being free.
and should I not get off the table ... I want others not to mourn but celebrate my life.
I will live a life of love and not hate and do the best to make every day my last day.
My Mom had a saying sympathy rest right between shit and Syphilis in the dictionary and I can see her point because it robs us of our strength to stand and fight if we let others do it for us. So when my times comes I'm going to do what every woman has... put my big girl panties on, suck up the pain and move forward and heaven help who ever gets in my way.
You can take that to the bank
It's been hard to do, some people who have gone threw the same surgery that I'm going to keep going on about the pain. It's not helping me any because my mind has a wonderful way of taking this and twisting it into so much worse. Being sick the last few days hasn't helped either, my temper is short and I'm cranky.
So I'm going to do what I can to do pain management.... I would rather take the pain of every step I take and be fucking grateful I'm no longer inside a shell hiding my face from the world. I would rather have the pain when I dilate instead of having a genital that's alien to me. I would rather have the pain that makes me know that I'm alive... instead of being like the walking dead. I will manage my pain with grace and dignity because I am grateful and humbled that I made it to this point in my life.
I will not tell others how much pain I'm in but will tell them how much I feel alive.
I will not let pain force me to not do something unless it risks my health.
I will not succumb to letting others feel pity for me they will feel my joy of being free.
and should I not get off the table ... I want others not to mourn but celebrate my life.
I will live a life of love and not hate and do the best to make every day my last day.
My Mom had a saying sympathy rest right between shit and Syphilis in the dictionary and I can see her point because it robs us of our strength to stand and fight if we let others do it for us. So when my times comes I'm going to do what every woman has... put my big girl panties on, suck up the pain and move forward and heaven help who ever gets in my way.
You can take that to the bank
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Success ?
The words have already started to come... it's getting close are you excited. I am... but not for the reason people think. I am excited for the next phase of my life, school and changes in the way I do things. Regarding my surgery... not at all, no fear, no excitement. It just is what it is a procedure and a minor step in my life really.
For some what I am saying will be met with that's bullshit... you don't know what its like and that will change when you're done. It might but right now this is my reality and my take on it. My hormonal withdrawl has been minimal and not what I expected. I feel within my self that I have already moved past the surgery and its now just a formality.
I went with Rache on our movie night to see Moneyball. There was a scene in the movie where watching a replay of a game we see a heavy set player make a hit and runs towards first. He has never made second base decides to try and as he rounds first stumbles and falls. Frantically crawls towards first and makes it, seeing the fear in his eye for even trying to be more. A few moments later he learns that hit went 60 feet over the wall for a home run.
This brings into mind are we afraid to dream and reach for more and risk the fear of failing over the risk of success. Or should we just accept what we know we can do and never reach for more?
Somewhere in the past year I moved on and hit that home run, but because I was so worried about the possibility of not having the surgery because of my diabetes. I stumbled and tried to cling to first base not observing what had transpired and only now I can accept that beautiful feeling of a home run. today I rounded second and soon will hit third base.... and next April I will make home plate by taking my first college class.
All this makes me wonder... what will happen next time I'm up to bat
For some what I am saying will be met with that's bullshit... you don't know what its like and that will change when you're done. It might but right now this is my reality and my take on it. My hormonal withdrawl has been minimal and not what I expected. I feel within my self that I have already moved past the surgery and its now just a formality.
I went with Rache on our movie night to see Moneyball. There was a scene in the movie where watching a replay of a game we see a heavy set player make a hit and runs towards first. He has never made second base decides to try and as he rounds first stumbles and falls. Frantically crawls towards first and makes it, seeing the fear in his eye for even trying to be more. A few moments later he learns that hit went 60 feet over the wall for a home run.
This brings into mind are we afraid to dream and reach for more and risk the fear of failing over the risk of success. Or should we just accept what we know we can do and never reach for more?
Somewhere in the past year I moved on and hit that home run, but because I was so worried about the possibility of not having the surgery because of my diabetes. I stumbled and tried to cling to first base not observing what had transpired and only now I can accept that beautiful feeling of a home run. today I rounded second and soon will hit third base.... and next April I will make home plate by taking my first college class.
All this makes me wonder... what will happen next time I'm up to bat
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