Magic

The last week or so has been a bit odd for me. Starting on Tuesday I found myself at a game store with Medb. We were just looking and my eyes were going back to the card game Magic the gathering. It had been a number of years since I had played, almost 8 to be exact ever since all my cards were stolen by my youngest and sold for food at school.

It wasn't the loss of the cards that hurt so much but he took an activity I loved doing with him and his brother away from me. I enjoyed coming home after work sitting down and just playing the game. I've carried that pain for a number of years.... until Tuesday.

While we were there she said let it go hun and forgive or rebuild and continue doing what you love. She knew my choice and we bought some decks and starters and I went home to rebuild. Thursday we went to stronghold and she repurchased the start of my angel deck ...... my favorite deck of all time.

Serra Angel :) my favorite card of all time and still is even if she is outdated. Now a new challenge comes from this ... rebuild and go play on Thursday nights. Meet new people and rediscover the love for the game. I asked my eldest if he would play again and he said no.... I know my friend dan doesn't have anytime in his life but for himself. My youngest is another story .... I want to replay with him, to share that smile as the cards fell where they may. It's been a long time but I forgive him and maybe one day we will play again

Till next post

Be Well

You're Worth Something

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
drifting through the wind
wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
like a house of cards,
one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y  

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"
You're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe ---- Katy Perry Firework

Today was a mixture of emotions going from being unsure to  joy. I was raised  with the belief that if you worked hard you would be recognized and rewarded. All my life I've followed that and yet with my current company I've come to the realization I'm a pee-on. No matter how well I've preformed or tried to protect the company I'll never advance.  After that I found the course I took a few years ago has advanced well beyond me and staring 40 next month kinda shook me today.

What have I done .... is it over.... why did i waste my life ..... but like the fear I listened to all my life its just that fear. The truth is I never lit the fuse to ignite. I lost myself in work and took their shit for so long but thats in the past. What about today....

Today is here and it doesn't need to be about them any longer this time is about me. What can Kara do if she put her mind to something. How would I define success now because money is not a benchmark. Is it intelligence, respect or the feeling of knowing you made a difference in someone life so much that you give them the power to light up the sky.

I'm a sales person always have been but it's not a place for respect. You're only as good as your last month and only as long as you produce. I'm very good at sales and have been rewarded for my abilities. It no longer means anything to me, I don't feel anything just give me my paycheck. I want to be something more, something that people can say ty for changing my life, I want to help and stop people from putting themselves  thru the hell I put myself thru.

I'm great at psychological abuse, its an art I perfected for almost 30 years. I practiced on myself living a lie and damaging myself. Now I just have to reverse it and use it to heal me. Take my life lesson and learn from it and bring it others to stop them from doing it to themselves. That's the respect I want in life and I will ignite to shoot across the sky and see what happens.

Why because I'm worth something and that's the important part in life.

Be Well all

It's Not About Change .... It's Growth

I caught myself thinking about an old pendant that was given to me by Medb when we first started going out almost 14 years ago. It was a one of a kind coiled dragon with my birthstone in it and beautiful ruby eyes. I wore him for almost 10 years everyday and a rare piece that I would kill someone for if they tried to take him from me. When I started my transition we changed him for my Quan-yin pendant that I have worn everyday since.  When I stopped wearing the dragon it was for a few reasons , one was the style didn't fit and the other was for Medb. I wanted to give her something to remember Ian by as I changed into Kara to let the energy that had gathered on him to remain. and at the time we didn't know what would happen while i transitioned.

4 years later and wiser I've come to a few realizations about the original reasons why I stopped wearing him .... one girls can make anything look stylish :) (ty carol for the jewelry advise) and second .... if you take your transition in stride and in a healthy way ... you don't change you grow.  I am still the same geek, the same person I was then in many aspects... I'm just learning to grow and just be myself.

I witness so many trying to run from the past and change everything and its not healthy. Once you start cutting everything out you cut away your soul. You damage yourself in so many ways that just won't go away. You can  run from yourself but you're just creating a whole new shell and replacing the old one with a new one. By growing you allow yourself to resume where you left off once sealed off from the world. You can build and prosper in many ways and get to love yourself for the first time. A friend once told me that if you consider transition you need to ask yourself can you live by yourself, and love yourself knowing that being alone is a real possibility? If you can't then you shouldn't until you learn to do so .  Harsh  words perhaps, but true none the less because you need to find that internal love for YOU .

4 years later and I have grown enough to realize that I love who I am becoming, that the hard knocks, the comments and being forced to stand my ground is making me into a beautiful woman. I love Medb for being my best friend first and showing me what true love is. I love my Mom for teaching me to be independent no matter what. I love Jazzy for showing me what a true friend does for those she cares about. I thank those people who laughed at me in private and made me walk away for showing me what I don't want in my life. I love those friends that came into my life and gave me the chance to grow with them and shared with me their joy.

I din't run and change who I am because if I did I would have lost a very caring, loyal person with a hell of a vindictive streak. I'll grow past who I was in to who I want to be and enjoy the good and bad because those experiences are required to be healthy. As midnight once said to me... Vive la vida como usted quiere a la mujer, porque sólo tienes una vida y de su preciosa al perder en tonterías.  and this is a very true statement.

You get to choose how this transition will be, you will make it as good or as bad as you choose. It will be as easy or as hard as you make it. It's not easy to do but nothing worth while is.... but regaining yourself is an unimaginable reward. For me its time to regain my Dragon and wear him with pride unafraid of the energy stored in him and adding to him again because I've grown in to him :)

Be Well and everyone  keep shufflin !!!!