Friendship

Since I started down this path I've learned what true friendship is, and what aquaintences are. I was honest with everyone when I started, prehaps to much so in some cases. I don't regret that but it strained some. I was lucky in the way things went mosr were supportive. A few couldn't handle it well or refused to, fair enough.

Some friendships I walked on by my choice... Others just never took place for whatever reason. In Calgary I had very few friends but I cherished those closely. Peter was one of Kara's new friends, while I met him briefly as Ian we never really started talking till after I came out.  He never let me down and when I couldn't take being alone at home he made sure I got out. I loved our movie nights... Not so much for the movie but for the talks, jokes and silliness we did leading up to them.

When I got to Vancouver I didn't know what to expect from those who remained here as it's been three years. Some like Justin and Steph never changed ... Scott and Deneise as well very close still and I love their children.. This week I got to awnser alex's question ... "Yes it did hurt a lot." One old friend is gone and others are question marks in my mind. Do I need them in my life... Do they enrich my life and do I enrich theirs?

Tonight was a great night as I reconnected with an old co worker and friend. Medb and I met them for dinner and shared some laughs, old stories and for me a comforting feeling as I was treated like nothing had really happened and we will get to hang out more in the near future.

I look forward to the coming years as I get to meet new folks, let them see me as who I really am and blossom. I love being able to not lie to them anymore. 

Be Well

Turning point

There comes a time when a person comes thru surgery and knows they are getting better. Mine came today after the last few days of some bad pain and extream moodiness.  I'm not quite over it yet but I can feel more of myself coming back. I feel more creative vibrant and alive. I don't feel as drug down as I have and I want to be more active.

I marked the day by putting the donut aside its causing me more pain and soreness using it. It's a good thing to feel like you're getting better and stronger :) ... Last week the wii, less the 4 weeks the pool and aquafit.classes to get stronger.... Next back to workouts .... Then school.

This phase was temporary ... Next up the rest of my life

Be Well

Lest We Forget

Today marks the 13th international transgendered day of remembrance. A day we remember those lives cut short by act of violence just because we are seen as less then human. A perception that is born by intolerance and bigotry, spread by close minded individuals that often use religion as a misguided weapon. The facts speak for themselves, a transgendered individual is 20 times more likely to be murdered then the average person and 1000 times more likely to be the victim of an aggravated assault.  All this despite being an almost invisible minority.
We hear you, sure you can express yourself , but don't use the bathroom in public because you prey on children. It's as stupid as saying don't leave your children around a catholic priest because he will molest them. It's all built on fear, lies and misinformation. We are routinely fired or let go by constructive dismissal. The loss of family and friends sometimes push a transgendered individual into an unhealthy or unsafe relationship for human contact. How can we in this day and age allow a person with a medical condition to be put into this kind of cycle.
For myself today I say a prayer for those who have lost those lives trying to be themselves. I say a prayer for the world to learn, accep tand break this cycle of abuse on your children, brothers, sisters,husbands and wives. I pray that we will break the intolerance and bigotry one day.
I mourn the loss of old friendships and what could have been.
I give thanks to those who chose to let me into those lives and showed me love and acceptance.
I celebrate my freedom, my life and my future.
BE WELL

Day Of Rest

Ok so after a very hectic day yesterday I've learned not to over do it. I just can't take it yet... I just don't have the strength yet. I spent last.Wed waking early getting to the doctor, to the bank, then race to Langley,then race to richmond in a 3 hour window. To long sitting and driving .

In the end it took till 630.to get home .... Today I picked up a new prescription, had sticky bun and laid down off my ass with an ice pack. I do feel better and tomorrow I hope to do it again and get the pain under control.

I'm at my first stage of healing and it looks good... In 30 more days I'll be better yet... In 60 more even better :) just got to live thru it, smile and enjoy the time.

Fear of Contact

Something I've noticed is being afraid of others touching me in my new surgical area's ... I flinch if the cat gets to close. I don't like applying pressure there yet and I don't know. I've found myself guarded way to much... And I need to find a way to relax and pull the stick out of my ass.

There is no reason for it really. The breast.augumentation has healed and the scars look great. The new bottom is looking good and healing well even if I over do it. So I know its psychological and with me. Speaking with several girls they are all excited and curious... And here I am scared that I'll be hurt... Like a china doll.

Is it because I fear myself ? Is the new feelings that I fear ? Or prehaps its a holdover from the past and I just have to girl up and face it.

Time will tell on this matter.... Tomorrow I get to enter a realm I'm familliar with arguing with a buracrat and getting thru stupid rules that make no sense to get a simple matter resolved.

For tonight everyone Be Well

Why I hate Apple

Most times a company gets bigger the worse they get. Case in point Apple, I use to love the company from the first time I got an iPod mini in metallic pink. I've had the touch an iPhone 3Gs but I doubt after tonight I'll ever buy another product from them again.

I watched them tonight erase my fiancee's iPhone and iPad because she upgraded the operating system to 5.1 the program did not agree with a few songs she had put on the iTunes program. So it reauthorized her computer and erased all the apps she paid for. Now while restoring them was easy she lost all the data on the app. 4 years worth gone.... Because apple didn't like the fact she got her music outside of iTunes or wasn't ripped by iTunes.

The company needs to learn they are no longer the best anymore, there are tons of solutions like the galaxy s 10.1 that I'm blogging on right now. The google devices allow your own content, more video playback, backing up of your apps and work. They also do flash and allow outside sources to use.... Your iShit looks nice and is controlled by apple and that's the truth because once you buy it, what gives them the right to change it or remove it without permission.

Tonight apple lost 2 CUSTOMERS  because we refuse to feed there corporate beast any more

Be Well

The First 30 Days

Wow ... It's been a month already and its hard to believe. Last month I was sitting in montreal waiting to get wheeled up for surgery. I was suppose to go second thou I went first. I sat there thinking of any reason for me to say stop, I'm not ready... And I couldn't think of one.

All the way to the epodoral needle.... All I could say is "better make sure I wake up or you won't be leaving this hospital alive" to the anthesiologist. Awake I did in thr recovery room, sore disorientated and wanting to see and hear my angel.... To let her know that I was alright.

Here I am a month later about to go to bed and marking each small thing as an accomplishment. I'm healing very well :) I took the time to sleep and recover physically. I need to work on mentally because Its all changed.

My goal for the upcoming week is to start studying for my GED and start looking at college. I know I can do this because I'll be damned if I continue the way I've been going.

30 days isn't alot but they are to me ... The best thing I've felt in this month.... My grand daughters head on my shoulder and the look in her eyes when I held her... Priceless  lets see what the next 30 are.

Be Well
Jys

Hugs

A long day today but one filled with an emotional joy thats hard to describe. I spent the morning getting ready for the doctor and after we went to see the kids. It was a short visit as we had to head home but I got to see my grand daughter Amaya :)

She is a cutie and just over a year old and growing fast. I haven't had a chance to get to know her as we were living in Calgary and with the surgery just haven't had the time to see her.
When we got there the kids were relaxing and Amaya started to stand grinning at Medb asking for hugs, she got picked up and cuddled. Then she turned and reached for me with this adorable smile. She got placed in my arms and cuddled right in, her head tucked on my shoulder and it felt right.

I melted as she smiled at me, bunted my head and gave me baby kisses. She is my grand daughter and will always be special to me. I've been weepy all day as I recall the feeling I had of her in my arms. It's an amazing feeling ... I already know I'll need to steal her in 6.years or so for a disney trip.

Ty Amaya for a memory.and emotion I'll never forget.

Taking care of buisness

A long day today but productive. I have to keep reminding myself that its barely been a month since surgery. I'm expecting to much to fast , today was a three hour trip to merritt from surrey. While I wouldn't normally do this trip yet, I had no choice in it .

Got my pain killers refilled more then a,months worth, I got my forms released to the MY general phtsican who can communicate with manulife for my benefits. I also got to see my mom... So it was a good productive trip, but I'm sore and,needing time to recoup.

I'm glad we stayed the night so tomorrow will be an easier trip home :)

Be Well

Cuddle Time

Ok I have to say right now the thing I miss most is ..... Cuddle time with medb.  While its not that I don't want too but its the fact that I can't lie on my side for to long.

It robs me of the ability to comfort her and let her know it will be all right. It also robs me of having her cuddle me and allowing me to just melt.

I know that this is just short term and like all things it will pass. Right now thou tonight it reallly sucks .

Day of Strength

HooooHaaaaawww ..... Something that started with a youngman named Tim who I met on my first visut to Montreal. On your first day after surgery they make you walk around the nurses station. Well tim on his first lap let out the HooooHawww and others that followed. I took it a bit further making jokes and encouraging others to say it. For personal note I did 8 laps on first day 3 in the morning 5 after dinner :).

The reason I bring this up today is because it deserves it ... Today I drove, had lunch out, shopped a bit and did some personal business. After getting home and icing up I did my aftercare a bit late... Then played some lotro before finishing up the night.

I didn't sleep during the day, didn't have a lot of pain and returned to some form of normalicy in my life. Every day I'm getting better and I'm feeling good... No I didn't have a eurphoric high the day of or any time else, and in ways I'm glad I didn't .... Cause what goes up comes down. What I have is an inner peace, much like I felt 3 years ago when I first came out.

What next ..... Swimming lol only 6 weeks away or so... But thats another post. Till then please

Be Well 

On The Mend

Well its been over a week since I got home and physically I'm healing but what about mentally.
I don't know how to respond to that, my body feels strange to me still and as Llyn has said my conversation is lacking mostly focused on my after care and schedules.
I don't want this to become the case, like Red Dwarf I don't want to become like the Toaster a one dimension character. Yes I can say I'm happy but I feel like I'm trapped in A 3 hour cycle all say right now. I feel weak as my ability to lift and help is diminished and the worst part I can't hold Llyn the way I want to.
This is temporary I know and I do want a quick fix where there isn't. So I need to adjust, a gentle hand on her back in a special spot to let her know I'm there. Help with some light housework to feel I'm doing something. Most importantly I need to get back to just being myself and push back my fears of my new body.
It's an active choice I have to make....
To all Be Well