Changing

I remember far to many nights my mom coming home at 11 PM agree after working since 6 AM. At times I would help her into bed, get her some toast with peanut butter and watch her collapse. I was 8 at the time barely old enough to understand why Mike would stay home all day, and when he was home he slept a lot. It was the early 80's times were tough but my mom kept us a float, I watched her work 3 to 4 jobs at a time and when she left the acreage with me she kept up the pace. My mom always believed you work hard you would succeed. Do what you love the money will follow.

I started working at 10 helping my mom at the record store, stocking shelves and watching for shoplifters. I them went on delivering newspapers and selling subscriptions, and all the way since then I've worked hard and at times multiple jobs. I'm a work O holic and if I don't have a way if making cash and feeling self diffident, providing for the family I start to come unglued. A lifetime of letting a bad habit rule me, I've missed a great many things because of it.

With things having been taken care of, I have a chance to truly change. A chance to have a summer vacation. A chance to really make the effort to rid myself of a bad trait and make a positive change for the better. Will it work? I don't know that will have to be my choice, only time will tell.

Be Well

Change in a Heartbeat

It's amazing how a few moments can change your life. Sometimes its a few words, others its actions and sometimes its just a pure accident. Tonight was one of those moments and it caused me to take a few minutes to analyze what can I really do. We had gone to the Nickelback Concert that we had paid for way back in November when they first announced they were coming. We go to the arena early and lined up for a vip passes. Once we entered we were taken up to the lounge area and we waited to get access to the floor. Now I have been to a few concerts and floor they usually have seat and assigned seating. Well these were GA tickets or in a nutshell General Admittance so first come first serve... no chairs so you move from your spot you loses it. Well we managed to stake out spots right by the front and we proceeded to stand for hours going thru two of the opening acts...... it was at the end of Seather that I first saw it..... Medb had gone a very white colour and she was struggling for air and to stay conscious. She summoned one of the security for first aid and in a few minutes she was being lifted over the gates. First Aid was on the scene and after a brief examination she was being taken to the office.

It's right there that I felt helpless, I couldn't do a damn thing, other patrons who had witnessed her being lifted over filled into her spot to hold it.  I must have looked like a lost deer at that moment not able to help, not sure what to do.... and in those few moments you start thinking about whats truly important. The security officer saw me and knew before I had to say it I needed to leave. Up and over the gate I went and I was on Medbs tail under a minute after she got up to the second level.  All awhile my mind is racing and the need to protect and heal are banging in my head and spirit.I quickly located her at the office and when they opened the door i could see her sitting sipping cold water and getting cool air. a feint smile on her face as I entered to sit with her and make sure she was ok.

The emergency was over just a combination of over heating, dehydration and needing some fluids and she was right as rain. For me I could breathe easier and I didn't care about the concert. With outstanding service we were given seat for the remaining concert, the rest of the night was something :).

This brought me to start thinking about my own personality, how I react around Medb when we are together and when I'm alone. Medb brought p the fact that I am a switch,  something my friend Jen had pointed out to Medb in Montreal. When I'm alone I tend to be more female and tend to be a bit more submissive, I allow more feminine characteristics and reactions and behave very different. When I;m with Medb I'm far more dominate, protective and aggressive and I display far more male characteristics. I saw and felt in full force tonight and you know what theres nothing wrong with that, It's just the way it is and in no way makes me any less female. 

It's just who I am ...... 

On a side note during all of this while we were on the floor there was a guy standing behind Medb and close to me. I caught him him smiling at me several times and looking away. He was paying me a compliment but in my head my thoughts were like you are so barking up the wrong tree ... Why did I do that, because I had already judged him against my own feeling about men. One that is unfair because I am judging him on a number of bad apples .... not for what I should be judging him on, his personality and who he is not what he is. It's something that I need to get a hold of soon.

Be Well 

What's Important

The last year has flown by faster then I can believe ... A year ago I had arrived with our cats, a load of stuff and we were about to get our own place. Things are a bit better on some fronts, on others it's still a waiting game.

The important things in my life thou are taking shape. My relationship with Medb is stronger and has grown so much over the last 4 years. My surgery was successful and mostly free of complications. I've made some healthy friendships that will last me a life time. Most importantly I've lived free and won't go back to being unhappy.

Some say you can't have it all .... but shouldn't it be you can have happiness. It's taken me a long time to sort things out ... but I'm a lucky girl because I have myself, my freedom and my future.

It's not the amount of years you live, but the quality of the years you live.  --- Gabriel Ingelasis

Be well

Stepping out of the comfort zone

For to long now I've stayed in a comfort zone. One I've known all my life, in the shadows, in the back ground and for many years living a life I thought society wanted of me.
The last few years I've still done that by wearing minimal make up, plain hairstyles and clothing that covers up everything. It makes me feel safe, and it's another box really. Just another way to stay in the shallow end of the pool.
The voice I've heard all my life screaming at me that this is wrong, started screaming awhile ago when I looked in the mirror. Not just about my.style, but about my health, weight,job and lack of direction. So I'm taking steps to listen to it, to try something new to change everything I can to be happy.
A few Weeks ago I decided to change my hair style and colour. Today my top piece came in and I picked it up.... The style very different and the colour was a big change. Once on I started to freakout because I took a huge step out of the comfort zone and I wanted to go back.....
But going back is unhealthy because it's the same as just hiding and not growing. I've watched Medb challenge herself lately by getting a grip of crowds and her strength amazes me.
The reaction I've had is positive so far so I have to say it looks good ... Now just to change more till I'm happy .
Be Well

Feeling Right

It's been a long time since I can say I just feel right. I caught myself this past Monday wanting to play with my hair and makeup just cause. I've gotten into a bad habit on my days off not wanting to do anything. Just throw on a hat and go.

Cuddling up on the couch with Medb I happened to just stop and notice I feel right for the first time. I didn't feel like a stranger in my body, I didn't feel the strains of any transition. I just was myself, not hurting from the surgery, no pulls on the internal mental thoughts. I was and still am happy and content.

It's a great feeling to experience, and one I know won't fade. I've reached the end of a milestone and journey. Now time to start another one ... Because life has so many to choose.... But before I start I have to set a save point :)

Be Well

Morgan the Travelin Lapin

I know it's odd but on my last trip having a stuffed bunny help me break the ice and open up conversations with others. it started with Medb suggesting I take Morgan to Vegas, and in my hurry I forgot. When I got home I found Morgan on my pillow looking sad and alone so I vowed he would go with me when I saw Jaz.

The pictures started out of boredom in Seattle while I waited for my flight in this shot he is paying for lunch. The woman next me thought it was adorable so up on Facebook it went. Morgans travels. It allowed others to follow my trip without me being in the front of the camera.

During the weekend Morgan got to have more pics and just show off. For me it allowed me to put aside some fear about meeting new people. I still worry about folks learning my past and I'm trying to quash that.... Time will tell really how it goes, for now I'm curious to see how Morgans adventures play out over the next few years.

Worn Out ....

I had really wanted to post more during this week, however life had a different idea. Last weekend I spent it with Jazzy watching her graduation. I had a great time and in a few days I'll post about that. The last week has been long , hard and in many ways I didn't like the stress and anger that followed. Jet lag plus 4 days of overtime made kara a very cranky girl and I had little tolerance for peoples drama and bullshit.

Saturday saw me collapse in bed unable to get up so I called in sick. The day really just consisted of sleep, watching old cartoons on netflix and playing some games. The day flew by and even today I need more rest, the day did give me insight on a number of things though. 1) I should have listened to my mind when I was a kid and liked watching She-Ra and Jem as much as Transformers  and 2) I really need to take a break , take stock of my life and figure a new path in life.

For now I'm going to go lie down and watch some more TV :)

Be Well all

God Loves Man Kills ....

While I was traveling out to visit Jaz and celebrate her graduation, I had a chance to re read an old X-Men traffic novel by Chris Flattening ... The story was the first dark story I had read in comics. It's tones and art were not what my 10 year old mind was accustom to.
The basis of the story was the extermination and murder of mutant by Rev Willem Stryker and his purifiers. The mutants were in his eyes an abomination to God, an evolution not something created. Using religion as a means to condone actions we as society call murder and genocide.
While the story is fiction I had to admire the writing and the raw story seen thru the eyes of an adult. The similarity in some teaching I've witnessed, read or seen towards any one gay, lesbian or transgendered lately from some evangelical leaders in the past few months.
I mean you know it's bad when Pat Robinson says hey guys tone it down you are scaring folks. Maybe one day it will be gone, we can always hope .... From the best scene in the book we see a cop shoot an armed Reverend Stryker in front of a televised congregation. He drops to the ground the fun dropping from his hand who he had been pointing at Kitty Prude moments earlier. As people are in shock of the Rev being killed ... They start calling for the mutants to be charged as well as the officer who shot him .... the other officers say no .... He killed him the shout. The police reply no he just saved a girl from being killed.
The more people I see speak out against the hatred some preach, the more I have hope and the more religious people question the hate and balk at it the more I know God loves.
Be Well

Mom & Kid Day

The day comes from my childhood, those rare days when she would pull me out of school and we would just spend the day together. Most times it would involve me going with her while she worked but it was a time when we could just bond and lugh. My mom in her own way did everything to make me feel special, and she gave me the greatest gift a parent could give a child. She taught me to be independant and self suffiecent. This will be a topic another post.

Last Saturday we had our first Mom and Kid day in mnay years but also the very first as her daughter. I can tell you that it went very well even if I pushed myself overboard to make it just right. Picking her up and bringing her to the coast. We saw a movie, had a wonderful dinner and then a concert of her favorite country artist Charley Pride. Watching the years melt off of her and catching us singing his old hits together will last me a life time.

Not wanting to drive back up to Merritt we got a hotel room and just rested and once we got in and relaxed I watched her drift to sleep and realize how lucky I am to have her as my mother. She is one of a kind and Ièm hoping in the next few months we can do it again. Her health is not the greatest so I donèt know how long she will have, but Ièm going to try and make the most of the time we have.

Till next time

Be Well