It's Not About Change .... It's Growth

I caught myself thinking about an old pendant that was given to me by Medb when we first started going out almost 14 years ago. It was a one of a kind coiled dragon with my birthstone in it and beautiful ruby eyes. I wore him for almost 10 years everyday and a rare piece that I would kill someone for if they tried to take him from me. When I started my transition we changed him for my Quan-yin pendant that I have worn everyday since.  When I stopped wearing the dragon it was for a few reasons , one was the style didn't fit and the other was for Medb. I wanted to give her something to remember Ian by as I changed into Kara to let the energy that had gathered on him to remain. and at the time we didn't know what would happen while i transitioned.

4 years later and wiser I've come to a few realizations about the original reasons why I stopped wearing him .... one girls can make anything look stylish :) (ty carol for the jewelry advise) and second .... if you take your transition in stride and in a healthy way ... you don't change you grow.  I am still the same geek, the same person I was then in many aspects... I'm just learning to grow and just be myself.

I witness so many trying to run from the past and change everything and its not healthy. Once you start cutting everything out you cut away your soul. You damage yourself in so many ways that just won't go away. You can  run from yourself but you're just creating a whole new shell and replacing the old one with a new one. By growing you allow yourself to resume where you left off once sealed off from the world. You can build and prosper in many ways and get to love yourself for the first time. A friend once told me that if you consider transition you need to ask yourself can you live by yourself, and love yourself knowing that being alone is a real possibility? If you can't then you shouldn't until you learn to do so .  Harsh  words perhaps, but true none the less because you need to find that internal love for YOU .

4 years later and I have grown enough to realize that I love who I am becoming, that the hard knocks, the comments and being forced to stand my ground is making me into a beautiful woman. I love Medb for being my best friend first and showing me what true love is. I love my Mom for teaching me to be independent no matter what. I love Jazzy for showing me what a true friend does for those she cares about. I thank those people who laughed at me in private and made me walk away for showing me what I don't want in my life. I love those friends that came into my life and gave me the chance to grow with them and shared with me their joy.

I din't run and change who I am because if I did I would have lost a very caring, loyal person with a hell of a vindictive streak. I'll grow past who I was in to who I want to be and enjoy the good and bad because those experiences are required to be healthy. As midnight once said to me... Vive la vida como usted quiere a la mujer, porque sólo tienes una vida y de su preciosa al perder en tonterías.  and this is a very true statement.

You get to choose how this transition will be, you will make it as good or as bad as you choose. It will be as easy or as hard as you make it. It's not easy to do but nothing worth while is.... but regaining yourself is an unimaginable reward. For me its time to regain my Dragon and wear him with pride unafraid of the energy stored in him and adding to him again because I've grown in to him :)

Be Well and everyone  keep shufflin !!!!

My Playlist

Life is a beat to dance to and I forget that for a long time I couldn't feel much. I wouldn't allow myself to as I was locked in a fight with myself. A very unhealthy one that went on to long till I admited to myself I was a girl.... some of the hardest but most rewarding words I had ever spoken to myself. The funny thing was the next morning  while I walked to my car I could feel and hear the music in the air... the worlds beat.  The beat of life and when I turned on my car and plugged in my ipod I could feel the music and the lyrics of life and what they ment to me.... this is some of my playlist. 

I know this pain (I know this pain, I know this pain (echo))

Why do lock yourself up in these chains? (these chains, these chains (echo))
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind, mmm
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

You could sustain (you could sustain , you could sustain (echo))
Mmm or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness (no baby)
You got yourself into your own mess (ooooooo)
Lettin' your worries pass you by (lettin' your worries pass you by)
Baby don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind? ……. Wilson Philips

We all have something in life that we chain our selves to, maybe it’s a job, a bad romance and sometimes like in my case I chained myself to fear. And as these lyrics can have so many meaning for me it was all to true. I’ve chosen to live free… away from the traps of life and just to be myself. I know its tough but you can do anything you set your mind to.

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life …. Pink

So true … I have made a number of different chocies in my life. Some good some bad but in the end of those trials by fire I have survived. I have been tested and forged and you know what its great. Nothing in life is easy, we all have to fight for it and taste the rewards of all our hard work.  You just have to ask yourself what do you want to fight for, and then just do it.

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are…. Bruno Mars

My Angel is my rock, my best friend and has taught me so much in my life. She is the best thing to ever happen to me. She has taught me to be true to myself even when its been hard to do so, she has taught me to love myself and see the world in a light I couldn’t have before and utmost she is teaching me how to be a lady.

I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good night
that tonight’s gonna be a good good night
Tonight’s the night night
Let’s live it up
I got my money
Let’s spend it up

Go out and smash it
like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let’s get get OFF

I know that we’ll have a ball
if we get down
and go out
and just loose it all …. Black Eye Peas

This is just the perfect beat to get up and dance. We all forget in life sometimes to just cut loose and have that good night. To move to the beat and just sing and dance. To go out and live and say wow that was just to cool. Those nights where the stories will be told for years to come and memories to last a life time.

My best friend gave me the best advice
he said each day's a gift & not a given right
leave no stone unturned
leave your fears behind
& try to take the path less travelled by
that first step you take is the longest stride

if today was your last day
& tomorrow was too late
could you say goodbye to yesterday?
would you live each moment like your last?
leave old pictures in the past?
donate every dime you had?
if today was your last day … Nickleback

What would you do if today was your last day and you had no tomorrow. How often do you look at life and say tomorrow it will get done? You never know when it will be, try and live like tomorrow would be the last day, never go to bed angry and let those that you love know you love them. Don’t let opportunities pass and for goddess sake live each moment you have left cause its worth it. 

First Day Back

<p>It's been over 3 months since I left work and it's been an experience. A mixture of emotions and healing, most I didn't expect some I did. Truthfully I had hoped not to, but life has a funny way of pointing out your missing something. While I need to secure our position for February, and tell my body to relax it will be ok. This time I'm going back for myself, to prove that I'm the one in charge not my employer.

All my life I've danced to their time far to long. A meeting last Tuesday has made me realize something, I'm a bitch...being in total control of herself. I will not let anyone control my life... Why should I. It's my life and I will dance to my time, if it happens to run along your beat awesome. If not to bad would you like to join mine.

This time my return is for me and I'll do the best for myself until I choose to leave on my terms.

Yeah Your Life is Over ..... Now What

The one thing you can not argue with is the higher then normal rate of suicide with transgender individuals, Some estimates peg it as high as 20 times that over the normal population. So the question becomes why? What makes it so high ? Is it the struggle to be accepted ? Is it the fact that you are not prepared for your new life? Support system or lack of one? Fear of going on in what was a perceived reality? Loss of friends and family ? Religions right wing nuts?  some or none of the above ?

I don't know but I have my theories. They might be right, they might be wrong but here's my thoughts....
"Experience is a brutal teacher, but you do learn oh god do you learn" ... C.S. Lewis

From the moment we learned to conceal our selves, we started the mental damage. The fear, the self loathing and the self abuse that we inflicted on our selves in the pursuit to make others happy. to deny ourselves the ability to be happy for our selves and the years of resentment it breeds.

When the shell breaks and we choose to try and undo the years of pain, it becomes all about us.  How many people do we drive away because of the drastic changes we seem to go almost overnight. The way we start to talk and act like? For myself I know I hurt many and did damage to a number of others when I came out. The fact is I hoped to keep everyone and in the end I lost friendships.

Now lets look at this is this truly a transgender thing.... really it's not. Over the course of a life time we will lose many friends and family and sometimes over the stupidest things. The funny thing is we all forget that we will meet many new people over the course of our lives.

I lost my wife / husband / children ect .... Yes for a trans woman or man this is a VERY REAL possibility and it's one that I hear and see all to often .... honestly when you look at it the context of your life this again isn't a trans thing. It happens to people in all walks of life. Relationships end all the time and the average person will go thru several partners in ones life times. For the transgender you have to remember your partner just woke up to a different person all together and you are causing them to accept not only you, but they have to look hard at there sexuality.  Relationships change all the time if it ends do what you can to be friends... if it can't be get a lawyer that has experience with GLBT cases. Do not let then walk all over you, just becasue you are trans does not give them the right to take everything. We all want to be free and in the starting stages we will give everything to walk away.

I lost my job or I can't do my job anymore. Yes transgenders face a lot of discrimination in the work place mostly due to people not understanding the medical condition or base facts on sterotypes. Lets face the fact you are a new person and you want to try something new and you should. School is a great place to transition because you are learning something more suited to you. You are never to old to learn and the change of scenery will do you good.

The world is out to get me .... all these forms, they called me a guy/girl ... they are all looking at me .... oh my god yada yada yada.

Ok lets look at this logically. Yes paperwork sucks and the rules could be more streamline for this to be easier. In the end its just some cash and time on your end. From doing my name change to changing ID all in all was just tedious and mostly easy. The people I had to deal with were easy to talk to except one person for my sin card, She made a point to belittle me in front of others in the line and I called her on it getting her manager involved. In short I stood up to her and my right to be myself.

I will always be alone no one else will ever love me.... no one ever understands me.  AWWWWW yes spoken just like a true angst ridden teenager that really no matter how old you are. Hormonal changes and the fact that you have no choices in life .... such a trans thing .... NOT !!! Face it you are growing up just like everyone else did, with a choice to choose a relationship instead of one you thought you had to have due to society!!! Would you date yourself at this stage .... Really. The fact is you don't know what fate will bring we all don't it's why we call it life.

My surgery is done why am I not fixed !!! ??? --- This one is the simple one to figure out. No amount of surgery will ever fix you. It's not the problem and you have not addressed the cause of the problem. Your psyche is not addressed. To many trans race to the surgery in an almost goal like fashion, focusing on the surgery instead of the problem of identity. Healing that part of you that is truly damaged and in need of fixing your identity because a year of full time isn't going let you find out who you are. It will barely scratch the surface. Why is this ..... read above because I'm trans I lost my friends, family, job the world hates me ....
So if you focus on this all the time where do you go. Into depression and other bad places. Why do you stay there because you are use to those negative emotions and in a sick twisted way they are a source of comfort.
         " Act like a victim you will always be a victim, act like a winner and you will be a winner "

Why do we have a high suicide rate .... look above to many of us have lived a life of fear and look at real life situations as it's all against me. We weren't given the coping tools for life. Given hormonal changes and a sever lack of post trans people not willing to help those about to start the transition and mentor them thru an essential second puberty and I can see why its so high. For those that read this here is my advice ,,,,

Your life is new ... you have to treat it as such.
You have every right to be happy and to belong
Don't let people walk all over you but respect those that can\t and tell you so
It's all new so take time to cherish the good feelings so when it gets dark you can remember them
Most important start finding out who you are and who you want to be like a child your imagination is the limit
You have more strength then you think
If you have dark thoughts get help because life is a beautiful thing ...

" Live Life Like You Want To" - Midnight
A very special saying one that might seem to be impossible but its not. You have the ability at this point in your life to be whatever you want. School, work, arts hobbies its all new and nothing can stop you but yourself. Don't let your worst enemy be yourself.

Be Well

The girls are free

Well in one way they are for sure. For the first time since the surgery, I won't have them in a bra 24 hours a day. Tonights the first time my girls just get to be natural and hang loose. It's a weird feeling for sure, not like when they first came out of surgery.  In some ways I'm afraid they will fall off but that's silly. In other ways they feel natural and comfortable.

The past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions, fears and joy. They have brought out a strength in me few will ever know, because few ever face themselves, and challenge themselves to be better. I'll never say that surgery is for anyone, because it's not. It has to be best for you and your own mental needs. It has to help you live in your own body and let you be happy.

One day the way my body reacts will become second nature. I won't stop to feel what that twinge means or how my breasts feel loose. It will be just another day, and in doing so I'll know I'm out of puberty, just like any other girl.

Be Well

Fatherhood

Fatherhood for me was something I had to learn on the fly. I didn't have any positive role models growing up, I grew up in grade 5. I learned very fast that things never lasted forever, you could truly trust very few. Life was a cruel bitch and men were never to be trusted,  From my alcoholic sperm donor Ken  I can't call him a father because he never raised me. I met him once for 15 minutes and his words to me were " Get the fuck off my properity and don't think you will ever get a cent from me, " Don't worry ken the bars and legion got all your money.  To Micheal who managed to break my heart 3 times once when he left to find himself when I was 10. He was the only man I had know my entire life till then and he cut me and my mom out of his life. He re-entered it at 16 and I tried again to forge that bond. I almost came out back then.... he left when he met his now wife Nancy. Again he walked away with no contact till 3 years ago. I opened up to him just like I had with everyone else. He had initially opened up and things were good then three days after a barrage of emails he shattered my heart for the last time.

There were a few others that came over the years, Malcolm and then John. They were a fine pair to live with one  ran his house like a military boot camp and the other loved to play mind games. To say I have men issues is an understatement. I rarely will trust a man and they will have to earn my trust over a long period of time. Few have managed to and of most of the friends i lost they were male.

When I first met Medb I knew that she was a package deal with her kids. They were coming from a bad past with a man who again was like an overgrown child. I don't doubt that Paul loved his boys in his own way.  I told them I would never replace their father. I would be for them like their father but I would have to earn their trust. Did I have any experience in rasing kids? NO !!!!  I did vow to myself that I wouldn't be like any of my role models.  To this day it still holds and always will they are my kids, even if i don't approve of there life choices or actions.

Was I the best father I could be..... No I wasn't . I was battling myself every day. I could have been there more for them. I worked a lot to put the roof over our head and food in our bellies and try to earn some cash for entertainment. I did lose myself in the comp at times and should have been getting them in clubs or activities, We just didn't have the cash but we never starved and the morgage was always paid.  I should have spent more time with them.

Now as they are in there 20 and have or will have children... yes I'ma proud grandma now of a beautiful grand daughter I hope they improve on what I started and can be a better father then I was. If they do read this  here's some advice.

You need to work hard and smart in a trade or a profession you love to do.
Go to school and always upgrade yourself because the world is still a cruel bitch., you need to provide for the precious bundle of joy and being unemployed won't do it.
The days of playing games and hanging with your homeboys are over you need to grow up and be a father. Spend your off time with them and make it count because regret is a bitch.
Watch the people you hang around , because you never know who they truly are.
Cherish the good times becasuse they will help you get thru the dark times.
Take charge and lead by example, your children will be watching you and learning from you.

Do I blame my "fathers" for my failure's, no I don't because they taught me what a father shouldn't do.  I did my best with the tools I had. They weren't a lot and in the end I'm still here and always will be. That is something to be proud of. In the end I did better then they did and I hope my sons can and will outdo me.

Be Well

Success

Why do some people seem to achieve success and others don't ? What sets them apart from the average person? Some might say they get all the breaks, they have all the luck. To a degree that is possible but I think its an individuals outlook on what they set out to do.  Their passion and there love of the project or hobby.  They have to believe fully that there is no failure, that they will achieve whatever they set to do.

All my life I get to a point and then self destruct and watch everything I built up collapse. For many years i couldn't understand why. Tonight I figured it out and the reason is simple .... I didn't have the tools to succeed because I couldn't commit myself to it. I was in the shell and working to hard to keep the real person hidden. It was doomed from the start and when looking at my failures I can now see the success in how far i got.

This begs the question what could I do now ..... How far can I take a concept and make it reality ?

Time will tell but I know the path I try will succeed because there will be no chance for it to fail.