Why Change....

The last few days have been rather emotional and I've spoken to a number of people asking them to describe what they see when they look at me. I've had a number of interesting responses and was asked why change. Simple because I don't like where I am right now in my life. Very few people know this fact, I hate looking in mirrors or of pictures of myself because I don't like what I see.... While we were in vegas no matter what Jazzy or Rache said to me regarding my appearance I wouldn't believe them ... How can they see me like that and more importantly why couldn't I see it.

It comes down to Who Am I ... at this point in my life Who I am isn't ready to see this. Medb made some really good points in her post tonight and pointed me in this direction to challenge me ...

                                                         I AM
Kind, vindictive,honest, deceitful, self abusive, funny, scared, brave, self sabotaging, intelligent, analytical,loyal,self controlling,egotistical,logical,giving,competitive,compassionate,selfish,generous, squeamish,artistic,judgemental,accepting,emotional,worrisome,predictable,lazy,hard working,

                                                  What I want to be .....
Kind, vindictive,honest,funny,scared,brave,self loving,intelligent,analytical,loyal,self expression,egotistical,self respecting,logical,giving,compassionate,generous,squeamish,artistic, empathetic,judgemental.accepting, emotional,open,hard working,easy going

All my life I have been to hard on myself... controlling what I experience and what I express to other. I have not let myself just feel.... always afraid of what I find. I have not allowed myself to just live and see what happens. I'm afraid of so many things...and for the longest time afraid of people finding out my dark secret. That's no longer the case...

Now more then ever I want to change, to stop the voices in my mind that tell me I'm not good enough, I'm stupid, I stand out and any number of things that I'm more then capable of doing to tear myself down. I want to be able to see myself in a mirror and smile and be proud of the person I am. To fee the inner beauty I know is there. I want to stop the self abuse and controlling nature and just be free to experience life and open up being care free......

                                          I want to change to be a better me :)