The morning started off far to early for my taste. Sorry 7:45 am for a meeting on a holiday was stupid, however I can't say the day was uneventful. I saw a friend online that I had not seen in a bit so sent a quick Hi and things went fine... long story short within 30 min the conversation was over... the contact deleted and had I been home booted and blocked on the other program I know them on. I had just cut them out of my life, and it wasn't what he said that did it but I saw as aspect of him when his mask slipped that I didn't like. It was quick and easy and I had no remorse for doing it. I'll admit I didn't have a lot invested in the friendship but the fact that I do this makes me wonder about myself.
All my life I've given everything to my friends, people who are acquaintances I would treat like friends. The majority of times I was always left out, an after thought left out of events and outings unless I invited them or set it up. When I decided to transition I told everyone and was very open about it and in my naivety thought all would be the same, I was wrong on many levels.
I learned very early on to protect myself I had to walk away from those who deliberatily or un attentionally hurt me. At first it was hard to do, but once you cut out people you see as father, close blood relatives and long time friends, it gets rather easy to do. Some of these relationships and friendships I truly miss... but some people can't handle the change and they can't transition with you. With the exception of a handful of people, like my mom and my fiancée I know I could do it to anyone. Is it wrong to do this ? Do I still want to do this... ?
I had a lot of time to think about this tonight and I've come to a few realizations beating this around this skull of mine ... 1) Friendship is fluid and changes as you change and that's normal 2) You will only have a handful of true friendships during your lifetime. 3) Those who love and cherish your friendship will fuckin hunt you down if you try to walk away and stay away..... those that let you leave their lives weren't your friend really or you just outgrew each other.
hun its hard to know when to walk away... some times we stay too long, sometimes we leave too soon... and sometimes we take a break. I agree with a lot of what you said cause I too am normally the one to keep friendships up and it gets old. So i stopped and soon i found myself alone :( Worse time to be alone too... my world had spun upside down and i stopped everything. I stopped feeling, caring, loving, touching, talking, sharing, I stopped being me and became this zombie. You can relate i bet. We all have that zombie times, some never come out. I joined a online community and it allowed me to be the old me, the me i liked. The girl that could feel and care again, the girl that could be loved and love back. I met my best friend in the whole world there and god she taught me a lot... still is. I helped a lot of people on there and although i take pride in that, god it drained me. You see the thing about helping people sometimes is they tend to forget your more then their helper and sometimes you have needs too. I saw a lot of that, there were times I said I'm done. But you know i never could be cause that is me. Then i met you... and you showed me someone could care as much as I cared, be there for me as i am for them. Understand my stupidity as i understood theirs. We're human, we do stupid things. There are times we need to walk away, times you don't look back... But there are times we take a break and let the stupid learn. Sometimes they amaze us and sometimes that was our purpose... to put them back on track, its not always about our needs. Walk away when you need to
ReplyDeleteBut remember we are human.
lol :)
Love you girl
Jazzy
Note to self: get hunting license in case she try's to leave so you can hunt her down.
ReplyDeleteHugs... I know I am late in replying to this.. But I really needed to read your summation.
ReplyDeleteThank You.. and I will hunt you down as well. Your too dear to let go.