I went to bed tired and emotionally drained tonight. a combination of many things. The hardest was walking away from two friendships that ment a lot to me. This was my choice to do but the silence was hurting me to much and it was my call. I also deactivated my old facebook profile, I kept it up so some could find me but after 4 years it seemed pointless at this stage of my life. Walking away is never easy but I made my choice after I found myself getting angry at one of them. If there is to be no future with them I want to remember the good times. What I liked about them .... not the anger.
I woke a short time later crying fragmented dreams of a warped scene from the empire strikes back .... lightsabers, hyper smart ferritts and a very angry image of myself full of rage, anger, sorrow and raw emotions looking into a broken mirror ... a shattered image and the feeling who is to blame?
I could blame society, religion, my mother, can't say sperm doner, I could blame everything but its not the truth. I am to blame for my fractures, my anger, my hurt, my fear .......as I look inwards at the core of my being to a very hurt, angry girl I lay the blame at my own feet and no matter how many people will say you did nothing wrong.... they are wrong I let myself do this to myself.
I carry anger towards both Ken and Michael , towards those that walked away or fell silent, towards my employer towards Brian and Dan ..... but mostly towards myself for not letting go of the hate and anger.
I have to let it go and I have faith in my goddess that I have the strength to do this and grant mercy on to those that feel I hurt or lied to them. May they find peace within there lives....
It's 3:31 am and I'm going to try and go back to sleep
Happy bunny day
Be Well
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