The Ugly Truth

The hardest thing I've had to work on the last few months is looking at my ugly parts. They are there lurking and coming face to face with them have caused me to face a number of painful memories. They've caused me to critically look at myself and challenge a lifetime of fear and doubt.

Life is what ever you make it. Simple and easy and for most of my life I've made it tougher then it really needed to be. I've put up roadblocks, let my health suffer and went to 300 pounds.... For what a feeling that I wasn't worth it, that because I was different. For me those voices of self doubt have done more harm then any part of my journey.

Here is the cold hard truth about transition .... You will be your own worst enemy. You will try to deny yourself happiness. You will blame yourself for things you can't control and when times are rough you will try to destroy yourself from within.

I'll lose my spouse .... Yes you could your relationship was built on a lie, they have a right to be upset ... but they might have the strength to walk with you or at some point still be your friend. My kids will leave and not love me ... If you've raised them well they won't but it's there choice. You have to let go of what the.shell built and see what you become.

For a long time I felt I lost my family my friends but I didn't I lost negative influences in my life that I didn't need. I've built better and healthier relationships in the last 4 years then I did as a shell. I'm starting to look after myself and feel good. I'm growing and no matter how painful it is, no matter how hard it will get ..... You can't take it away from me.

I've grown past the transition to female, because I am female and no one can take that.from me, I'm Kara .... I'm a fighter, I'm a father, I'm a survivor and I'm whoever I wish to be.

Be Well

Just Be You ...

I've heard the saying I just wanted to be me ... I lived my whole life as they wanted me to ... I just couldn't take it and then ....... Well fill in the blank. To say that this is only a trans thing is so wrong. It's a human thing as we age and grow we all worry about the road we never took. We blame society for making us be a certain way, the truth is... you didn't have the strength to just be yourself and chose to let others remake you. Every human being has experienced it in one form or another.

The question begs why does it take a major life shake up or near death to see it? Why do we not just be who we are? How do you just do it..... whats the secret?  .... It's easy just be yourself. Do what you love and surround yourself with those that love you for nothing more then being you. Live life on your terms and never give up on your dreams. Those folks that wallow in negativity turn your back and just let them be miserable.

I broke into a million pieces 4 years ago and it was the best thing for me to do. I'm healthier then most people and I've come to realize that what we all see as trans issues are just human issues just with a different cause. People fall in and out of love all the time. Job's come and go and friends and family always change.  people always have medical challenges and really you only have control of one thing..... You and really its all anyone has to control.

Welcome to humanity ....What do you want to be !!!

Be Well

OhMy !!!!

It started in a slow roll and exploded in a sensation that I will never forget. A feeling so deep that its hard to put into words. I collapsed into her arms and openly wept as the sensation past. A whole number of questions finally being answered and fears being thrown back into the darkness where they belong. Would I be able to again feel everything, could I orgasm again and the most important question. Was the operation the correct path for me? yes...Yess  ..... YYEEEESSS . Its hard to lie when the body feels right and you have a deep inner peace.

I laid there for several moment ... her arms wrapped around me and let all the stress go. The knowledge that this was the right path for me. My gamble paid off in full and truly feeling whole. The body and mind were in one and in sync. In 30 years I had not experienced  the feeling that I'm complete.  It was amazing and a true day to remember.... I can now say to anyone that this was the right road to take bar none. The surgery was the right path for me to take. No one can tell me different because I've lived it ... and experienced it.

I have no words to describe it but life and I'll always be grateful in the one person who risked everything to give me this gift... My angel, she is my rock, my love and most important my best friend te amo mi angel . 


Be Well 

Six Months .....

It's odd 6 months ago I was a week out of surgery having the stent removed. My aftercare was 4 times a day and I had no idea what was ahead.

Today I'm down to once a day in my aftercare, I just received my presidents club trophy and about to head home to my angel. I truly miss her when I'm away. To celebrate I revisited my.fear from Las Vegas .... A Victoria secrets outlet. I know to some this sounds like it's nothing. To myself I feel out of place .... The images, some of the girls shopping there hit me hard. I'm not use to it ... I didn't have the luxury of growing up playing with style, make up or hair .... I'm learning as I go.

With a deep breath I went in and stood my ground ... I repeated to myself ... I belong here no one can change that ..... and unlike Vegas I didn't run. I made my purchases and it felt good. The next 6 months a lot will change for,me all good.... July will be a change in a big way for me ... I'm going to do something I've never done before ..... You'll just have to see what I have planned :)

as for the bag .... It's a trophy of kicking fear in the teeth :) What was in it ? That's a secret between me and Victoria

Till next time

Be Well

New Directions

I had an emotionally draining past week. very emotional, angry and on the edge, partially due to hormones but also with a frustration with myself. I want to change and  to not be afraid to flirt, to live, laugh and just be whoever I want. Of all the problems and challenges of transition the greatest gift is the ability to be whatever kind of person you want to be. To shuck off the shell and soak up life and freedom. To often it is wasted, it's easier to just go back to the same old same old. To hide and complain about how life's not fair, to dwell on the negative and assume that we're victims. Life is hard .... change is hard but oh its so worth it.

I want to be the kind of girl that leaves an impression when I leave .... people thinking  What a Gal. I want to smile and laugh. I want to break men's hearts because simply they can't touch me. I want to be able to flirt and not feel like running just because a man shows a hint of interest outside of work or business. I want to be able to feel comfy in a make up store or shopping as I do in a gaming store.  I want to find the beauty in life, the good in people. I want to be able to help others even if I'm blunt and dishing out tough love.

In short I want to change myself and become a better person by christmas. I'm going to do this by changing something about myself everyday and seeing how I grow. Work out more, Experience more, eat better, do my make up everyday and so on.

Till my next post

Smoke me a salmon, I'll be back for diner

Be Well

Waking in Tears

I went to bed tired and emotionally drained tonight. a combination of many things. The hardest was walking away from two friendships that ment a lot to me. This was my choice to do but the silence was hurting me to much and it was my call. I also deactivated my old facebook profile, I kept it up so some could find me but after 4 years it seemed pointless at this stage of my life.  Walking away is never easy but I made my choice after I found myself getting angry at one of them. If there is to be no future with them I want to remember the good times. What I liked about them .... not the anger.

I woke a short time later crying fragmented dreams of a warped scene from the empire strikes back .... lightsabers, hyper smart ferritts and a very angry image of myself  full of rage, anger, sorrow and raw emotions looking into a broken mirror ... a shattered image and the feeling who is to blame?

I could blame society, religion, my mother, can't say sperm doner, I could blame everything but its not the truth. I am to blame for my fractures, my anger, my hurt, my fear .......as I look inwards at the core of my being to a very hurt, angry girl  I lay the blame at my own feet and no matter how many people will say you did nothing wrong.... they are wrong I let myself do this to myself.

I carry anger towards both Ken and Michael , towards those that walked away or fell silent, towards my employer towards Brian and Dan ..... but mostly towards myself for not letting go of the hate and anger.
I have to let it go and I have faith in my goddess that I have the strength to do this and grant mercy on to those that feel I hurt or lied to them. May they find peace within there lives....

It's 3:31 am and I'm going to try and go back to sleep

Happy bunny day

Be Well

Lowering The Defense

The second I meet a person my mind starts to work. I look at what you wear, what you say and how you say it and look at every subtle movement subconsciously. I then greet you with a smile and begin to talk and usually within 5 min I understand what you are trying to present or hide.  I've profiled you for one reason .... how to protect myself and adapt to you.  It's my method of survival and it keeps me away from many people. I've done this ever since I can remember. It started in preschool when I would sit under desks and watch the kids play and interact.

For me growing up I learned to create a shell and learn to be a chameleon, to adapt and blend with society to keep my deep dark secret of who I truly was away from everyone. It's a tool I've used to great effect in my sales trade, and was my key to surviving. I learned to read people, what they would say and not say ... all to blend and lie .... to survive the fact I wasn't male. I wasn't what people wanted to see or what society wanted me to be. Then the shell broke.

When I started to go full time and experiment in virtual learning to be female I never got rid of the defense, if anything I just redirected the energy into making them stronger. When men started flirting with me it freaked me out, finding an attraction freaked me out even more. I hit overdrive on my defense's and as fast as they could offer a flirt or a compliment I wold counter it hard and fast. I made it so they would  have no chance... and they didn't because I was finding every way to counter anything they said or did.

It was not a healthy way to deal with it. How am I suppose to learn to live if I'm always playing defense. How am I suppose to grow ..... I can't really keep doing that. So it has to come down to lowering those defenses, allowing some things threw and learning to deal with a flirt or a compliment in a different way. In an accepting way appropriate to what ever is thrown at me.

Can I be hurt and let down .... yep, but like or not that's really what life is about and I'm not introverted .... I'm and extrovert and compliment in a harmless flirt can be a good thing. It's a compliment to my outward projection of what I am ..... A woman

If you want to know what the profiler see's when she looks at herself .... I see a very repressed,unhappy , angry hurt person ....Do I like it ...No but it's what I did to myself and this is what I'm trying to change.

Till next time

Be Well